Sister Refusing to Get Ready This Morning

Marp · October 2023

This morning, my sister was having difficulty with the buttons on her pj top. She has gained some weight so the top buttons pop open. We need to buy her some different PJs without buttons. She & I are the only ones in the house so it rarely bothers her that she goes to the bathroom with some buttons undone.

In the meantime, she kept trying to button them when she got up. I kept trying to get her not to worry about it since she was just going to use the bathroom then change out of her PJs and her nighttime incontinence underwear anyway.

I got her into the bathroom and on the toilet fine. Got her PJs & incontinence underwear off just fine.

She went to the bathroom, wiped herself, then refused to get off the toilet.

She sat there for a good hr, refused to take meds, get dressed...anything.

She is now off the toilet dressed, has taken some of her meds, combed her hair & put her glasses on. She is standing in the bathroom.

She is really angry with me about not letting her try to keep those PJs buttoned. I did apologize profusely for not taking her seriously, but that hasn't helped.

I'm trying to give her space to do the things she needs to do in her own time. I've tried offering some incentives (favorite foods, etc) to get her to finish her routine, but it's been a no go.

I feel like we're in a battle of wills here. I'm staying out of her way & trying to remain calm, but it is frustrating because she's only hurting herself. She doesn't know that, of course (or doesn't care) so it doesn't do any good to say anything to her. It's so frustrating.

She'll probably miss adult day care today with her stubbornness, but there's nothing I can do - I'm not going to drag her out of the house by the hair!

I did call the ALZ 24/7 Helpline which was nice - just was able to talk about how this made me feel (since I can't expect my sister to understand).

Emily 123 · October 2023

I'm sorry Marp. Isn't it hard? My mom still plays the 'Mom' card with me when I try to get her to wash, and at this point I think she might be one of those people who hang on to that part of her personality for a long time.

I think you're on track with getting her something that doesn't have buttons. I don't have any thoughts on what to suggest to get her off the commode ( I wonder what her thought pattern was about that-- do you think it's some older/younger sister dynamic, like 'you're not the boss of me'?). I'm glad the help line let you vent.

Marp · October 2023

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/185915#Comment_185915

I think it's some of the "you're not the boss of me". For sure. I've noticed lately that she has been more resistent to accepting help from me. Her hygenist said she wasn't brushing or flossing her teeth well at all resulting in a bucket load of dental problems. I stepped in and started helping & two years later things are much better on the dental front, but, lately she has been a bit stubborn about opening her mouth, etc. I eventually get her to do it, but it's a struggle.

Sometimes she mutters under her breath when I try to help her with something so I think she feels like I'm being intrusive. I try to give her space in the bathroom but she doesn't always remember to wipe so I often poke my head in and remind her to do that. She sometimes calls me a "bitch" when I do that.

I am usually courteous when I help her and I try to be gentle when doing hands on help - helping with clothes, brushing teeth, etc so as not to hurt her.

But she still gets stubborn & grump. This morning was really bad, but I think it was partly because I made it sound like the pj thing was not worth worrying about, and I'm sure I sounded frustrated when I said it. So she felt disrespected. She alr;eady doesn't want her older sister bossing her around; dealing with a frustrated older sister is further down on the list.

Marp · October 2023

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/185915#Comment_185915

Yes, venting was nice. The woman I spoke with not only helped me think of solutions to what I could do better but she also gave me kudos for what I did well. Not often a caregiver gets kudos. It was nice.

Elshack · October 2023

I am wondering if her Dr could RX a med that would help with the underlying anger issues.

Marp · October 2023

Her psychiatrist & I talked awhile back & we both don't want to jump to meds as the issue for everything. She felt blown off & disrespected this morning & it's okay that she tried to communicate that. I don't want to drug her into oblivion so she fails to try to express what she can. Yesterday morning she needed to express something; I'd hate to drug her so she can't stand up for herself when it's appropriate.

Yes, sitting on the toilet for an hour was a bit extreme, but it's what she has.

She's already on an anti-depressant and an anti-anxiety med which really help.

SDianeL · October 2023

Marp, so sorry you are going through this. If you haven't already, please read the book "The 36 Hour Day" which really helped me with my DH. It's not that they are being stubborn. Their "reasoner" is broken and they can't reason enough to think that way. My DH wouldn't shower. Trying to get him to shower was a huge argument. Until I read the book. The reasons they don't shower are 1. they don't recall the last time they had a shower. 2. Taking a shower is too overwhelming. There are many steps to taking a shower and they can't remember how. 3. They may be afraid of falling. Once I realized this, I made a deal with my DH that Wed & Sun were "shower days" the same days he goes with me to get a newspaper. I get everything ready, and then tell him his shower is ready whenever he's ready to take it. It worked! If he feels bad that day, I will give him a break if he promises to take it the next day. He usually just goes and takes it. We keep it simple and do the teeth & dentures the same days and he brushes them in between. Your sister may not have realized she was on the toilet or whether she was finished. I have PJ's that button and I sewed them shut and put them on over my head. Maybe order her a couple of pairs in a larger size that don't have buttons? As a caregiver I became the Mom and he became the child. He resents that and says "don't tell me what to do" many times a day. He's losing control and takes it out on me. I know how you feel.

Sister Refusing to Get Ready This Morning

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