need help on how to socialize with my parent
Anyone have ideas as to help all of us make weekend visits better? It's easier at their house bc I can just spend all of my time DOING things for them, in the kitchen, etc. I need a way to engage both of them, and between my dad's exhaustion and Mom's dementia, I just am struggling.
Appreciate.
Comments
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Welcome to the forum. I can imagine the visit wasn't good for anybody. After a certain point PWD do not do well with disruption of routine, and probably the unfamiliar environment and the normal chaos of kids was difficult for her. Probably not a lot you can do to change that. She will almost certainly do better at their home, but you may want to think hard about whether you are projecting your expectations of engagement on to her. There are other threads about failure-free activities for PWD, which may be as simple as taking a walk, listening to music, looking at old photographs.
You've come to a good place for support and suggestions. Sounds like your dad needs some help, have you discussed day programs, in-home aides srhe can get breaks, or eventually memory care?
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Hi klis,
This helped me a lot...might be helpful for your older kids too...
I agree with M1-- adaptation to what your mother can handle now will help. They can't meet your need for the kind of family get togethers you used to have. The disease has made it so your mom doesn't have the capacity to participate on several levels. I imagine your dad is exhausted.
There are a lot of other losses besides memory as the disease starts to affect the different lobes of the brain, and that sounds like what you observed over the visit...
It's ok for your mom to not participate and be quiet. That's where she is now. Remember, her memory losses will move backwards in time, so if there's some card game or something else she used to play frequently back in the day (for my mom it's solitaire) she might still be able to do that. But again, it's ok if she just can share the time with you. You can always give her some little task to do like sorting laundry, that's simple but lets her do her own thing while still 'doing'. That said, if you give it to her and she doesn't follow through, let it go, it's the disease that keeps her from being able to focus on a task.
What might be good is to drag out old photo albums and look at those with her, label old pictures with who the people or places were, capture any family history from her side of the family, and video her while she can still share those stories with you and your kids. Music too, from a person's youth, can really help them relax and connect. Maybe an old movie? Kind of depends if she can still follow one.
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Thank you so much. Yes, I'm trying to get Dad to get some help, but he's set on the idea of live-in caregiver, but not much available in rural area they live in - have had no luck finding someone. He's been resistant to taking friends up on offers of spending the afternoon with her, etc - I talked to him about giving up his pride and just saying yes. I think a home health aide would be perfect, and I think I may have sold him on that, if they can find one (rural VA) - memory care eventually, but no one wants that yet.
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Thank you - I'll definitely look at those. She really does love to be helpful - as much as I hate asking her to fold laundry, she'd probably love it. Loading the dishwasher made her happy. She fidgets when she doesn't have something to do, paces. These are good ideas!
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Yes-I think that the person with dementia can spend a lot of their day being wrong, so finding something that they can do fairly well is good. My mom liked to do the dishes--she'd miss spots, but she felt useful and it put her in a good mood, so worth the trade off. She did let the dogs lick the ice cream bowls sometimes and then put them up, thinking they were clean. I think I caught her each time that happened...
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Klis i had the same difficulty of not being able to find home help in a rural area. It was one of several factors that precipitated memory care sooner than i had hoped for. Their local Council on Aging might be able to assist, but staffing is an issue in many places still. Many home health aides want 30-40 hours per week and finding reliable staffing for less than that is even more difficult. I hope that he/you can find someone.
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I am sorry your weekend went sideways.
I agree that visits should be on her turf. If your children overwhelm her, it might be better to visit solo or stay in a hotel to give her breaks. My own dad struggled when we came for holidays; a day-trip for us and only me, DH, DS and my niece and her husband-- all adults. He was OK for about an hour before the anxiety crept up.
Can your dad afford a live-in caregiver? My neighbor has had this situation twice; first for his late wife with MS and then for his new MIL with Alzheimer's. It's hard to find the right person even in a metropolitan area. He found his caregivers via word-of-mouth "inheriting" them when a previous client passed. He'll need to do background checks, he'll need to manage payroll and have a contract drawn up as well as check with his insurance agent about changes to his policy around the liability of in-home employees. I'm not sure how much the salaries were, but I know this isn't a situation where care is a tradeoff for room and board.
HB
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I too have kids around the ages of yours and it is so hard for them to watch their grandma they were so close with now struggle. My youngest that is 11 I don't believe she will remember much of who or realizes that her grandma is changing and now will remember her grandma at her worst, unfortunately. My mom seems to be in a middle stage (struggling with organization was very neat and organized to clutter home and no longer cooking). She has no desire for anything and is grumpy and mean towards us all the time. Talks bad about me to my kids and sisters. She told my 14 year old niece that she is rude and spoiled. It is becoming a real struggle we all love my mom. obviously but her rude remarks and anger are soooo bad.
How do the visits work out at their house? As for my mom she seems better behaved when she gets out and I read that they can be worse in their own home and that is my mom. Although she has never liked being home anyways.
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and do you find your mom pacing? This is something new for us with her the past month. The past month she seems even more agitated and we were all watching tv and she would continue to get up (do nothing other than walk to her bedroom then the kitchen and back to the living room. She would continue this all evening for hours. I also have read evenings can be worse for dementia patients. It does seem worse for her so maybe do earlier visits!?
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Commonly Used Abbreviations
DH = Dear Husband
DW= Dear Wife, Darling Wife
LO = Loved One
ES = Early Stage
EO = Early Onset
FTD = Frontotemporal Dementia
VD = Vascular Dementia
MC = Memory Care
AL = Assisted Living
POA = Power of Attorney
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