Is Asking for Help Always Worth It?

Dear Victoria2020, I really appreciate your post. It’s the opposite take in some ways to a reply I got on another board which said I can’t ask my children to care for their dad, they need their money, etc. The common thread & what I know to be true is that I need to work & we need outside help. Our abilities are limited. My son lives with us but I end up cooking all his meals because he’s always working. I was happy that he was taking over dog duty but he started to resent that. It’s inconsistent. I can’t ask him for more money. It’s too much. It’s only been two months & I’ve made a mental note that it won’t go past six.

I think daycare for my husband is a great option, tho he won’t think so, & the 800 line is where I’ll start for some more insight. The puppy was the canary in the coal mine b/c we got it at my husband’s urging after our pup of 13 years passed. I was still working & my husband was home with the new pup. He kept letting the dog out unsupervised & we live in rural area with no fencing around the house. It forced me to look at his day to day functioning more honestly. I had been in total denial. With our old dog, he was messing up a lot, too, but I couldn’t understand why. So, the trip is another wake up call. Thanks so much for your reply. It helps!

mommyandme I agree that the kids should be able to hold down the fort for 12 days but my son works 10 hours a day and my daughter seems ambivalent. Thanks for your support. I’m on the precipice of cancelling/postponing the trip but I’m also learning a lot from all the different replies & advice. So I’ll keep everyone posted on the final decision.

Dear Iris,

You are right. The little pup is such a source of delight but also so much work. I will discuss this with the kids; either one of them takes the dog or I put the dog in full time day care when I go back to work. It could come to re-homing, though. I hope not.

Dear ButterflyWings,

Thank you for your thoughtful response. I’ve posted here and on another board & gotten about 15 replies—all but one very sympathetic, offering good advice. The majority of replies urge me to get my husband into memory care (which we can’t afford) or into LTC via Medicaid & to go back to work. Some suggest in-home help & respite care. It’s very hard to image uprooting him from home and sending him anywhere. It’s really unimaginable at this point. The only scenarios where I can imagine that are if he becomes violent, starts wandering, becomes a real danger to himself, or forgets who I am. So I’m processing all this helpful advice and grateful for it. It’s still hard to imagine.

I want to THANK YOU ALL for your very thoughtful, helpful & supportive responses. I am coming back to your responses after a few days and after being fairly active on another board where the consensus is 1) get a job, 2) rehome the dog, & 3) get help/put husband in memory care or LTC.

I've been applying to jobs and the idea of working again makes me really happy. I may be able to bring the doggie to daycare depending on some logistics. My daughter and younger son will take him if that does not work out. Still have not gotten older son's input since he is on a business trip, but these are all my decisions. The dog's fate depends on the location of my job, etc. My daughter is crazy about the dog (he's an extremely cute and cuddly little devil) and she and my younger son (who live together) were planning on getting their own dog anyway.

I realized that I have been putting everyone's needs before mine as usual and also making things harder than they need to be. I agree with those who said I should have never quit my job; I should have left the job I hated and gotten a better job, but I stayed home for almost a year instead. It was an experiment, and I learned that it's not sustainable.

My oldest son who lives with us is basically paying me rent, utilities, and for use of the car, etc. and for all meals (which I buy and cook) so he's not paying any more than he would if he lived alone--actually, he's paying less. Once I am working, I wont need any money from him so he'll make his choice about where he wants to live. If he wants to stay, I'll still charge him rent.

I'll get some PCA help for my husband. Then, if/when his needs get too much to manage at home, we'll take the next step.

I agree that I am asking my daughter to sacrifice more than my son and in a sexist way. I did not really see it like that until I saw harshedbuzz's post: "I do see your daughter's point in the assignment of very stereotypical gender-based work assignments. Your son gets to support the household and she's supposed to step away from her professional life to provide housework and mind dad and the dog. That's a flashback to the 1950s. I would bristle at that, too."

--I was taking it all personally and not being fair because I am so used to sacrificing for everyone and so used to not expecting certain things for myself and from certain others (males)...so THANK YOU.

I wish I had not made these trip arrangements, but I did it on impulse and there's no gong back unless I reschedule the trip for next year. I'm still pondering that. As someone said here or maybe on the other forum---this trip is like a catalyst for the next big steps I need to take.

Thank you

Hello again,

I thought I would update you all as your kind words and insights were instrumental in my recent decision to CANCEL my trip. It’s very sad but the truth is 1) I did not have the money for the trip & 2) my daughter could not afford to not work for two weeks either. We both made rash decisions based on the ideal not the real. So, I’m back to square one with over one thousand dollars in Delta e-credits that I must use by next June or they’ll expire.

This discussion made me really start thinking about everyone’s sacrifices and responsibilities in a less emotional light. I was on a tear about going back to work after I cancelled my trip. I did a bunch of budget and retirement projections. I told my daughter I was definitely going back to work. She was gung-ho. When I told my son who lives with us my rationale about needing more income, retirement, stimulation & health he said it all made sense but urged me not to rush into anything. I then realized I can’t work and come home to caretaking. I can’t take the dog to daycare every day, run a classroom, then come home to cook dinner and the demands of a needy husband. If I work, I’ll spend all my time off (weekends) doing housework and prepping for the week. After realizing this, I felt a bit of release and acknowledged that I can’t have it all. It’s caretaking or working and I really don’t have a choice right now because even if I got help during the day at home for my husband, I’m still the primary caretaker, arranging and overseeing everything including the household (not just his care). All the things he used to do go undone. All the tools and metal outdoor furniture is rusting. The weeds are out of control. He’s left messes everywhere in the shed & basement, etc. This is on top of all my chores.

The only thing he does for himself is make coffee & toast in the morning. He showers and shaves with much urging. That’s it. He does the dishes but often they’re greasy and he’s doing weird things with the dishwasher now so they aren’t coming clean at all. He doesn’t drive, shop, cook, handle any bills or appointments, do any real cleaning or laundry, and can’t navigate the TV. He lets the dog out unattended if I’m not here. How could I ask anyone to pick up all this caretaking for two weeks? The bigger question is: how long can I do all this and put my life on hold?

Well, many months have passed. Summer is long gone. Winter is on the horizon. I wanted to update you all who were so kind to me on this original thread. I hope you are all doing well (given our circumstances)

I finally got DH approved for Medicaid. I am now working one day a week at a job that I love & that pays well. My responsibilities at home are full-time, but I feel much better since I started working.

The emotional labor, so to speak, and the sadness and loss are the worst parts, but I am stable now, have a plan, and accept my position. I am hoping to get an adult foster care application submitted soon so I can get some support for caretaking. I still need to schedule an appt. with a local GP to sign in-state paperwork for PCA or adult foster care services. (DH & I are not legally married so I can be paid in my state to care for him).

That's where I am now. I have been doing a lot of work on acceptance and soul searching.

I feel like DH has progressed noticeably in the last few months. He seems more tongue-tied. He sits silently for hours. He also seem to know that he is out of it and he really wants to be alive and active so he'll do stuff around the house, but much of it is half done or messy.

He loses words and he can't hold a real convo--we just listen to him and agree. We have maybe two or three back-and-forths, but he wanders off and stops making any sense.

He craves physical comfort. He gets very tired and thrown off if we go anywhere outside the house. He lost his temper this morning and threw his cell phone against the wall and cursed me because he could not understand what I was saying. Later, he apologized and made the "crazy" sign by his head.

I won't list all his symptoms, but hygiene and eating are out the window. It's like a having a little kid. He is totally dependent. The chores he chooses to do (poorly and inconsistently) around the house are his only "functions."

Where do you think we are stage-wise?

Sending love & prayers your way!

I’ve looked at this and if any symptom counts then he is straddling stage 6, early & late, which is terrifying!