The Little Things
It’s the Little Things
My husband has been doing okay with the ADLs, but this morning something really saddened me. I was in the bedroom when my husband got dressed. He did not change his underwear and simply put a new tee shirt over the one he wore to bed. He also poohpoohed my suggestion he put on a turtle neck because it was cold out. We were late to an appointment so I let it go because I had no time to coax him into clean clothes. I guess we are moving into a new stage where I will have to monitor his dress. This just bummed me out. It is the little things that can chip a new hole in your heart.
Comments
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I understand. My husband constantly wants to "help," but he can't really do anything. He wanted to take the compost out, so I instructed him to go out the back door, to the far corner of the yard, where the compost is located, and has been for the 40 years we've lived here. He came back in a different door, which was odd and then I saw he dumped the compost in the garbage can. I can cross one more thing off the list of things he can do. What will be next? It's sad, and exhausting. And his anasognosia makes it difficult to assist him.
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Thank you. It had been a bad day. My husband also has swallowing issues from throat radiation 15 years ago. I work so hard for him to have tasty meals. He usually has the same thing for breakfast which is yogurt with a variety of fruit purées which I make from scratch. Lunch is an excellent soup usually home made. For dinner I work hard for variety. — chili, puréed curries, the occasional manufactured meal, etc., Tonight we had a delicious meal of mashed sweet potatoes, roasted tomatoes, onion and peppers (his pureed) and crab cakes with homemade sauce. His comment… I eat the same thing thing three times a day. I know he did not ipunderstand the impact of his words , but I felt like throwing the plate in his face. I rallied but it is hard some times
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Thank you for your advice. Today is much better. I have a pretty good support group. I have a woman who gives me respite help, an excellent therapist and enough funds to pay for a trainer and therapist for my husband. I have a cleaner and a person who does my heavy yard work. I actually enjoy cooking. The problem was seeing the progress of the disease, I do get breaks. . In a week my daughter is coming to stay with hed dad while I go to a spa for a weekend. It is the heartbreak of losing the man I adore in dips and drabs that really gets to me.
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I am back here after many years away…mostly have just read posts and for me it’s hard to know where to start as my husband is not super far along, but the taking out the compost story really spoke to me. My husband has alz with vascular also. ADLs are good but executive functioning, problem solving is gone. So sad, he designed and together we built three small rustic cabins on a ‘campus’ up north over the past 30 years, but now he can’t even figure out to use the rake for leaves instead of a broom, can’t help load a canoe on the car (which he did all his life) or know to let the dogs in if he let them out. I know much worse is coming, but it’s so lonely to experience this ‘ambiguous grief,’ losing him while he is still here.
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can one just refuse to be a full time caregiver? Dh just got kicked out of Adult day care due to “emotional out bursts”. I just sat down snd cried. We have no kids, no other support. I was planning on going into my savings to have him go 4 days a week. Now this door is closed. No w we he will not shave , shower change his clothes. I cannot take it. I have quit a job I loved and now must give up my darling g dog as I cannot care for both. I fear for my health snd sanity.
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Brokenhearted, I have two suggestions.
1. Re-post on your own thread so you will get many thoughtful responses.
2. Call the Helpline and ask to speak with a Care Consultant for specific advice and referral to resources. The number is 1-800-272-3900. There is no charge for consultation and someone is available 24 hours a day.
He will probably need consultation with a geriatric psychiatrist for medication, and he may need to be hospitalized because the meds take 4-6 weeks to become effective.
Don't delay in reposting, because several members have been exactly where you are.
Iris
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Your remark “ losing him while he’s alive “ hit me right between the eyes. I’m new and never looked at it like that. It is the worst part. My DW in beginning
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"offer new clothes when he showers..."
I wish my DH showered.
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Commonly Used Abbreviations
DH = Dear Husband
DW= Dear Wife, Darling Wife
LO = Loved One
ES = Early Stage
EO = Early Onset
FTD = Frontotemporal Dementia
VD = Vascular Dementia
MC = Memory Care
AL = Assisted Living
POA = Power of Attorney
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