Guilt and Regret

Dear Steve,
We are only human and none of us are perfect. You did the best you could do. Be kind to yourself. Until you can accept those situations as exactly the way they happened, you will not find any serenity. Accept those situations and know you did the best you could do At That Time.

I am so sorry for the loss of your dear wife but also for the grief that has manifested in guilt. I, too, had problems while taking care of my dad and still feel the guilt. After my mother passed away after a massive stroke, I watched as the grief overwhelmed him and worsened the Alzheimer’s he was dealing with.

Three months later, he had a significant stroke that required 24/7 care. I moved in to take care of him, with the help of my dear husband, and while he rehabbed from the stroke, we watched as the Alzheimer’s turned the man we knew him to be into a hateful, mean, and cruel person we didn’t recognize. It was difficult to care for that stranger, and there were many days that I dreaded what I would face in the morning. There were times that I would have to leave and walk outside just to breathe and to avoid a confrontation that I wasn’t sure how I would handle.

He didn’t always know who I was, and I still feel the sting of the guilt in how I dealt with things. Yes, I look back and realize that I could have done things so differently, but I also know now that at the time I was physically, mentally, and emotionally exhausted. When you are in that situation, it is so hard to be rational and not react inappropriately. We have to understand that we did the best we could at that time given the circumstances we faced. We have to forgive ourselves and try to remember that we loved that person for who they were to us—not the person they had become. Alzheimer’s robs the patient, as well as the family who loves them, of the essence of who they are, and we have to believe that the person we loved knows that we did the best we could to care for them. Take care and forgive yourself, as I know she would. I pray the the holidays will grant you peace and sweet memories to sustain you.

Hello Stevesg - I'm not there yet and still caring for my DW, she's 61 in our 7th year now with this disease. Your words connect with me though, many times the video tape in my mind replays times when I was simply bad, even causing DW fear/confusion even harm. As I read your comments a video tape looped back in my mind.... visualizing the time when my DW was screaming, and hitting on me as I was attempting to change her. In frustration, I jerked her leg up to pull off the diapers and she fell back on the floor, out of breath, gasping and in pain. These bad videos coupled with the emotions of self-loathing come back to haunt me from time-to-time. What you feel isn't wrong, the honesty and courage you have in expressing them here is totally right. I'm sure you know there is no such beast as a perfect caregiver, we are human, the very emotions that we derive joy, love and satisfaction from caregiving when things go right can also torment us when things go wrong, when all of us fail during the moment. It's true, we aren't perfect, but I'm sure your DW didn't marry you because you were perfect, she picked you and you her. I praise you for being there for her when it counted most.