Is it ever possible?
Is it ever possible to take a break from caregiving?
I just went to a reunion for my old military unit, I thought everything would be ok and I had people taking care of my wife. I ended up having to come home early from the reunion because my wife got very argumentative with the caregivers. As soon as I got home, she calmed down.
I have been taking care of her for the past three years (she is advanced moderate stage (whatever that means)), I had planned on taking her to the reunion, but we took a trip earlier this summer to a family reunion and the way she acted I decided that I could not take her to my military reunion. Yea, I might be selfish, but she was absolutely hateful on the earlier trip.
I honestly wonder which person will succumb to dementia and Alzheimer's first?
Comments
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Have you had your wife evaluated by a geriatric psychiatrist? They are the experts at dealing with behavioral disturbances. Plenty of people on these boards have done so, and many describe the difference before and after medical treatment as night and day.
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Sorry Vince, that sounds really frustrating and disappointing. I think we all wish for breaks. Memory care relieves some of the moment to moment, but not the sense of responsibility (at least, it hasn't for me).
I'm sorry you didn't get the reunion you had been hoping for.
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Vince it is NOT selfish to take care of yourself and take a break. We need a break as caregivers, self care is important! So Sorry this is happening, but I feel your pain.
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You might check with the VA, since you mentioned the military. They do have respite programs. Some in-home, some temporary residential respite stays. Depending on your financial situation, you may pay a co-pay for some of the services. My understanding is it's available to spouses as well as the military person. It might be worth looking into. They gave me 20 hours weekly in-home for my retired Air Force hubby. I'm now working on getting approved for up to 30 days a year residential respite care.
I know exactly how you feel. I have help for 20 hours spread over 3 days of the week, but other 4 days are slowly killing me, physically and emotionally. If I get residential respite set up, I don't know if I'll have the heart or courage to actually use it, but I literally dream of having my house to myself, just for a while. I want to sleep when I want, eat when and what I want and literally not be responsible for another human being for just a little while.
Do whatever you can to get a break from your loved one, don't feel guilty. Think of it like recharging your batteries. We all need a recharge occasionally.
Take care of yourself and don't forget to breathe!
Texoma2808
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Taking a true break from caregiving is difficult in the literal sense for me. I do have 4 hours 2x a week to myself, which I value, although it does leave me sad sometimes , as I realize what I am missing.
I did recently make a list of 25 items of “self care “ activities that I use to recharge & help me “show up” to care for my DH in the way I want be there for him.
making a list keeps it more top of mind. I keep it next to my bed on my journal These are all things that do not take a large amount of time
my list includes meditating , exercise my body, read friday paper and do suduko, play with grandson, call or see a friend , enjoy a cup of tea, keep my space uncluttered, take a walk in nature, work on letting go of grudges and anger, stop ruminating (Just a sampling )
writing it down made it seem like plan of action. Which I liked. Reference it when I’m down.
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In my experience, it is possible to take a break physically but not 100% emotionally until stage 8.
That said, you do need to do whatever it takes to care for yourself in order to be a fit caregiver in this marathon which means respite of some kind to do something pleasant for yourself. This is not selfish; it is the airline safety drill of putting your own oxygen mask on before assisting others. Protecting your health-- mental and physical-- is the most loving thing you can do for your wife.
I agree with @Marta on seeing a geriatric psychiatrist for medication to calm the anxiety that drives this kind of behavior.
HB
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hello Vince.
I have been on this road 13 years. for 7 I was the 24/7/365 caretaker in a few cases when I was giving a speech or a lecture someone would sit with DW in the audience. She has been in memory care for the last 6 years.
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We never seem to be able to completely take a break. Even when my Dw is in daycare I'm always thinking about her, worried about her, waiting for a call that she's not compliant or acting out and to come get her. . .
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I too agree with @Marta on seeing a geriatric psychiatrist for medication to calm the anxiety that drives this kind of behavior.
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@texoma2808 “i literally dream of having my house to myself, just for awhile”. Right?! To be able to relax in my home, not followed, not tiptoeing, being able to get things done without DH being upset or pacing so much around me that i think I’ll jump out of my own skin, not timing everything around what will be least problematic, the list goes on.
Life at home requires so much moderation and control, ironically and no-fault, at the hands of our LO with a diseased brain. Quite sure my brain is forever changed as well.
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"Moods would have to be managed."
This resonates with me as my sister is currently in rehab following an injury. I was hoping it would be a break for me. I've spent part of most days at the rehab trying to help, .
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I had some of the same experiences, I keep reading to take care of myself. I have found that getting people in the house to care for my wife for even three hours makes a world of difference in my mental state. I get away 4 hours on Wednesday and about the same amount of time on another day. I get groceries, go to the library or my medical appointments. Once a month I have lunch with some of my high school classmates. I also attend two support groups in the area. I am aware of long-term respite programs and day care in the area, but they have not met my needs either because they only had a couple of people, and my wife didn't like them because I wasn't staying with her. However due to my health needs I may need to find out more about long term respite programs very soon.
Dave
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I almost forgot to tell you that I had the problem of taking my wife to public events and I am now more selective, but I did talk to her doctor, and she prescribed a mild drug, Risperidone, 0.25 mg. Which has helped calm her a bit out and at home.
Dave
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I agree with everything you say, I guess I'm the type of person that does not want others to suffer, but, you are correct, we need a time out. Thank you
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Commonly Used Abbreviations
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DW= Dear Wife, Darling Wife
LO = Loved One
ES = Early Stage
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