Feeling Guilty

I understand although I might struggle to put into the right words.

Guilt is a given, comes with the job sorta speak. Every decision we make is weighed on the scales of guilt and how it will it affect out partners, spouses or parents even when we know it's the right thing to do and most of the time there is no balance on that scale. We make decisions that we know will affect them, possibly physically and or emotionally but we have to do it. It truly is a learn as you go endeavor.

Some people, not myself, have no hesitation make the hard decisions in life but a lot of us aren't that way.

You are in your 50's now and your'e right, it could be a little more difficult to find a job but that isn't your fault but finding work is still very possible for you.

I work about 4 hours a week now somtimes less, My last check was 25.00 because I had to pretty much retire to care for my wife. When all of this started happening I saved and budgeted every penny and was able to get our checking / savings accout to a comfortable amount but I knew it would only hold us a few years, now our checking is running very low and way out of my comfort zone. My DW doesn't understand any of this any more. I'm only 62, next month, and have applied for social securty. That will help but things are still going to be tight.

I feel so guilty all of the time. Everything I do somehow has the ball and chain of guilt attacthed to it. It gets very heavy to drag around year after year. I lay awake at night and replay all of the mistakes I've made in this thing we call caregiving and wonder if I made the right decisions year after year. . . you know what I'm trying to say here.

Hang in there!! Get help when you can and try to realize this disease isn't your fault or hers but here we are..

I absolutely feel you. I, too, am 14 years younger than my DH. I don't know if it's a blessing or a curse, but in the earlier days I don't think I really understood that this is a fatal disease. It's just that the course can be so long. I, too, wonder whether there's any true living to be done after my caregiving is over and if I'll survive it at all. Had I understood, I think I might have done more traveling with him, as he enjoys it far more than I do. But hindsight, as they say, is 20-20.

Our partners may not have to live in the future we're preparing for, but barring unforeseen circumstances, we do. And our partners aren't aware of so much that we have to handle every day. All this is my way of saying, if you believe you're going to live in a future where you need money and have no other means of getting it, you have to continue to work. The key, I think, is to be more invested in your partner's welfare than you are in your work. It's a tricky tightrope to walk, but you simply have no other reasonable choice. Put your emotional energy into your partner, and make your days together as good as they can be. Beyond this, you can do no more by feeling guilty.

Just my .02

Can your wife apply for SS disability? Maybe that would help. I am so sorry. This disease is the worst.

She's already on SS and a pension from the Federal Gov't so that helps but we need a bit more so my SS should give us a little breathing room.

...and going to an office and having real conversations has been keeping me sane, sort of.

well, at least going to the office is a different kind of insanity, LOL.

I'm in a similar situation (11 year age gap). I left my job in July so I could spend time with my husband and get his long-term care set up. His home health aide starts soon and I'll be looking for work again after the holidays. I've actually been lucky grabbing short-term projects as a consultant. I'm considering trying to build up a client list and continuing that route for a while instead of heading back to corporate life. You'll find a good fit and balance, I'm sure.

I sadly agree that trying to get a job in your 60s will be extremely difficult (unless you have a specific skill in demand and unless caregiving didn't physically wear you down). I read that 62% of workers aged 50-plus reported having personally seen or experienced age discrimination in the workplace; I've seen it first hand. That said, perhaps moving again (yes, I know it's difficult) to a more affordable area where you could possibly retire and take advantage of the upcoming change to Medi-Cal (no asset limit) in 2024 and obtain waiver home care?

My spouse is also 15 my senior (78 vs. 63) and I am in the process of moving us from our dream home to a manageable small home near care providers in Cali.

I will say that if you two are having a lot of laughs, you do have blessings to count! Enjoy your LO as long as you can!!! I send you abundant good wishes.