Newbie feeling alone
The last 6 months have been brutal for me; I am the only child of 2 that is close to my Mom, and the only one willing and able to be responsible for her care and wellbeing. I feel so alone. I need this community. I need support. So, here I am 😊.
I'm looking forward to being a part of this difficult journey with you all.
Cat
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I hope your mother receives loving care. I am hesitant do put my mother in a facility because I fear that she will be neglected. Unfortunately, I may one day have no choice.0
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Welcome to the forum Cat, it has been a lifesaver for me in relieving the isolation. You've come to a good place. Lots of wise and kind people here who have been where you are. Keep us posted how it goes.
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Welcome Cat. Hope you find much helpful information here as I have..
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Hi and welcome @catminor . I am sorry for your reason to be here, but glad you found this place.
Kudos to you for recognizing the need to step in to keep your mom safe and for managing the logistics of a cross-country move.
Early on, when I was adjusting to the role of parenting my parent, the emotional toll of taking over and being all up in their business combined with the physical exhaustion of moving them (from MD and FL to PA) was hard. It did get a bit easier once we were able to get routines in place.
HB
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Greeting Cat. Welcome to the forum. It has been a life saver for me.
My dear 84 year old mom has Alzheimer's. Last month both my parents moved into my home with me. It is a relief (and a challenge) to have both of them with me.
I am one of their 3 living children. All of us children live locally. The other two children are noticeably less engaged in my parent's lives. I feel alone. I am disappointed with my siblings but I am not surprised. When I accept that I am in the trenches alone, I lower my expectations of any help and reduce my resentment of my siblings.
I am glad you found the forum. It is a supportive resource. Again, welcome.
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I hear you; that's why I'm moving her close to me. I would not be ok with her being in a CCC far away from me. I'm very grateful to have those choices.
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Thanks for the welcome.
What you're going through sounds hard. And expectations are the root of disappointment, so it sounds like you are managing those feelings pretty well. My 1 brother has been completely (and legally) out of the picture for more than 20 years, since my Dad passed; I have honestly said good riddance with no regrets.
I'm glad I found the forum too. There's also an in-person support group near me 1x/month; I'm looking forward to going in November.
Thanks again.
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Hi Cat I just moved my 82 year old mom to a facility near me: it has been a roller coaster but we are both surviving! Here you will find good firsthand advice, wisdom, compassion, and people who truly understand. You are definitely not alone.
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@Patrick99 said:
"I hope your mother receives loving care. I am hesitant do put my mother in a facility because I fear that she will be neglected. Unfortunately, I may one day have no choice."
In many ways a quality MCF can be preferable to care at home. For one thing, they are staffed by a a team of trained and well rested caregivers who aren't at their wit's end. Because the relationship history and dynamic between a child and parent or spouses does not exist, many PWD are more cooperative and receive better care. My dad fought mom constantly around food, not drinking, hygiene and moving around-- in MC he was better cleaner, better fed and hydrated because he allowed the staff to help him. But best of all, mom could go back to being a doting wife because she wasn't his hands on caregiver.
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Wow. South Carolina to California! I'm impressed. I moved my mom last year from PA to NC and the logistics were overwhelming. She went into AL ten minutes from me when she moved here- she was already at a point that it wasn't safe for her to be alone while my household members were all at work or school. Now we are looking at a move to memory care. It is unfortunately true that even close friends and family who are not involved in the daily details simply can't grasp the stress level you have. Even in a facility, mom requires a lot of management by me as her representative. I hope that she settles in well near you and that you have a bit of a breather after the move! Everyone here understands the challenges.
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Hi @catminor
Welcome to the group. I was feeling alone and overwhelmed when I joined this forum. I don't post a lot here, but I read tons. It has helped to know there are other going through the same or similar situations. People who you can reach out to without feeling like it might be a stupid question. It has been a God Send for Me. I pray that God Bless you through this journey and give you strength when you need it, rest and peace each and every day. 😊
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It's time: I took a month LOA from my job and am headed to GA & SC for a month, to get work done on the rental properties in Savannah GA, and get the moving company to my Mom's place in SC to pack & load her apartment.
I went and did all the payments and lease paperwork for her new Senior Living apartment at the CCC close to me in Sacramento.
I booked an extended stay hotel in Savannah, so if there's any in-between time, I'll have my Mom with me. Then I'm bringing her home with me to transition to her new Senior Living community.
Overwhelmed, with zero time to be overwhelmed. It's crunch time now.
I may need a full bottle of wine and a day of crying and tantrums when this is done!
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Welcome to the forum. I moved my parents from Alabama to Illinois on an emergency basis. Mom immediately went to the hospital for a week, rehab for a month and then we moved her and my step-dad to an AL. He had been living in a hotel for that month( long long story). It takes a long time to get everything settled and even longer for them to settle in to a care facility. Don’t be surprised if she starts calling and asking to go home, and complains about everything. Don’t be fooled by this and don’t feel guilty. You’ve weighted the options and determined what is the best course of action for her and for you. You aren’t abandoning her, as you will still be her advocate - still dealing with finances, medical care, needed supplies, etc.
I am also one of those siblings doing this on my own. My full siblings are out of state and aren’t interested. My step-siblings are local and aren’t interested. It’s less drama to just let them all be uninterested.
one word of caution- the trip home will not be fun. Give thought ahead of time to logistics - bathroom breaks - will SJ-R try to escape or wander off? If so - Maybe you both need to go into the handicapped stall or family restroom together. If driving and staying in hotels - give her the bed farthest from the door and put a chair in front of the door. Be prepared for her to be extra confused during the trip.
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Thanks for the welcome. That sounds really hard, what you've been through.
Fortunately, I've had since April to get ready for this, and my Mom made the decision herself. We are flying back, then she'll be with me for just a week while rented furniture gets delivered to her IL Senior Living apartment, and it gets painted the colors she wants.
Until her furniture and belongings arrive from SC, which can take up to 4 weeks, I fully expect she will be quite unhappy; can't say I blame her. Moving is hard, and not having your stuff for almost a month makes it harder. I know the CCC will be supportive for her, and I've prepped a list of counselors for her to have someone besides me to vent to.
Other than that, I just need to listen and let her vent, give her hugs, take her out for dinner, maybe to the golf course, etc. Do what I can to support this transition for her.
This is her new home, and there's no going back, especially since we're selling the CCRC unit.
It will all be OK. I just have to keep going, and be as gently firm, loving, patient, and supportive as I can be.
Still, pretty sure I'll be needing that bottle of wine 😊
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Yes I don’t drink but lord the month I moved my mom I wished I did! You are in the thick of logistics, which is good - you’re right on time. This is the hard part, in some ways. When you do not have one minute to breathe. Later will come facing the changes in life; what it means for her, you. For now, take energy and comfort that you are making the smart and necessary moves when it is still a choice. The hard part - making this happen - will soon be over. But it is a journey.
it sounds like you found a wonderful place. As @Quilting brings calm said, don’t be surprised if she changes her mind or mood suddenly. Don’t doubt yourself. You are making all the right decisions.
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15 days until I fly my Mom home with me to CA.
She'll be staying with my partner and I for a week while her furniture etc is in transit to her new IL apt at the CCC in Sacramento.
I have 2 days off work when we get there, then I have to go back to work. I took a month off to get all this done.
That means my Mom will be alone in my apt with our 3 cats while I'm at work that week. My partner works ft and definitely can't be there.
I'm not concerned about safety for my Mom; her MCD is not presenting any safety issues at this time (thhs the move to a CCC before her MCD gets worse).
However, my partner is super stressed out that my Mom will leave the patio door open and risk any of our indoor only cats getting out of the apartment. When my Mom stayed with us for a week for the CCC tours, she left the patio door open, but we were there and caught it quickly.
It is likely she will forget the cats don't go outside, so this may happen again. My solution: put a big sign on the sliding glass door to the patio that says "KEEP DOOR CLOSED SO CATS DON'T GET OUT. DO NOT REMOVE THIS SIGN"
My Mom is a very respectful house guest. I'm 90% certain she would not remove the sign.
Is this a good solution?
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I'm impressed by all you've accomplished.
Can you set up a camera to observe your mom while she's alone at your house?
What is a CCC? CCRC?
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Don't underestimate the amount of confusion a new environment can present for a person with dementia. I'd be very worried about leaving her alone, and not just because of the cats. I never had any luck with signs working. Cameras are a good idea. Perhaps you could lock the cats in a room your mother cannot access, or send them to a kennel for the week? Or, despite the expense, hire someone to stay with her for the week?
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I don't feel like this is a robust enough plan to safeguard the cats. She is very likely to drop from her current level of cognition and function with a cross-country move to a new house, time zone and routines.
You could hire a HHA-- presented as your cleaner, cat sitter or a friend visiting to supervise the situation. You could secure the cats in a room with a keyed lock while you're not home. You could board the cats until mom moves.
Not to start something, but I don't see the point of a camera unless you are onsite and glued to it. If you're 30 minutes away at work and she shoos the kitties out the door what can you do with the information assuming you're actually watching when she does it?
HB
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I wasn't thinking of the cats when I suggested the camera. I agree, the camera would just let you see them run out the door. But a camera might prevent other disasters. If she turned on the stove, could you telephone and tell her to turn it off? If she walked out he door, could a trusted neighbor get her back in the house? Etc.
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Thanks.
CCC = continuing care community (monthly rental)
vs
CCRC = continuing care retirement community (buy in)
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Thanks for the suggestions. I just realized it's not even a full week with us, just 3-4 days, assuming her furniture delivery arrives on schedule.
It's not a new environment; she stayed with us for a week last month so I could take her on all the CCC tours. She did really well at our apartment. She doesn't have a diagnosis of dementia yet, but she will soon. At this time, she has some "foggy head" days, short periods of confusion, and short term memory struggles. She's very aware of her condition, and quite scared about it. Thus, moving close to me.
It's a one bedroom apartment, so not a lot of options. Last month when she stayed with us, she wanted to sleep on the couch and was happy. She shared our walk-in closet in the bedroom, and that worked great.
Possibly it could work to lock the cats in the bedroom while I'm at work; I could just change the door handle to a locking one. I could put Mom's suitcase etc in the living room for the day, so she has her "things" accessible.
I wish my partner wasn't going to see family in SoCal for their "early Christmas ". And I wish I didn't have to worry about my job security if I ask for another week or 2 to help my Mom get settled into her new apartment.
This is so stressful 😫
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Yeah, a few other people have told me that she may decline in cognition as a result of such a huge change, at least for the first 6 weeks or so while she settles into her new place.
Keyed lock on the bedroom is definitely going to happen.
Camera isn't going to help, since I can't even watch it while I'm at work.
My Mom's a trooper. I'm pretty sure if the cats aren't an issue (locked in the bedroom), she'll just chill for the day, watch TV, read, sit outside on our patio, etc.
I think it can work for the 3-4 days. That puts it to Saturday 12/9, which is latest estimated delivery date.
Actually, now that I think of it, what am I even gonna do if I get a call that her furniture is arriving one of the days that week that I'm scheduled to work??? OMG
I'm so overwhelmed, I can't even think of everything I need to think of! 😕
Well, this possibility means that I have to call my CA job tomorrow and let them know I'll need another week or two before I can come back.
I can only do what I can to try to keep this job 😫. Maybe it will be OK.
To be continued...
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Hugs to you. You are doing some strong work in all this.
If the moving company is a full-service one, can they unpack and set the place up. Presumably they could set up the furniture to your specifications-- most CCCs have floor plans on their website from which you could work. A friend of my nieces was a "packer" and "set up" person for a local moving company while in art school. She'd arrive at the house and direct the furniture placement and room set-ups.
If this moving company doesn't offer this, many communities have specialized "senior moving services" that might be able to do this for a price. The folks at the CCC would have names. Another option I've used is Dolly. You can hire folks to help you with the heavy lifting and such-- it's almost like hiring a Uber.
On-Demand Moving Help & Furniture Delivery | Dolly
Another thought would be to look into a "respite stay" if the CCC has this. The CCC near me offers assisted living respite in rooms like look like nice hotel suites. Maybe mom could chill there until you're able to get the apartment set up.
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Instead of a new lock on the bedroom door, could a piece of furniture be placed in front of it? That might cross one thing off your to do list....
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Is FMLA an option?
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Virtual hugs help, thanks 😊.
I've emailed the moving company for a better description of their unloading at destination. We paid for packing, but not unpacking. I certainly am hoping for the price we are paying that it will be unloaded and placed in rooms as directed in person on site, and that they will set her bed up for her. I'd be fine with them stacking the packed boxes per room according to labels. I'm awaiting response from the moving company on these things.
Thanks for the respite stay suggestion; I'll email the facility tonight and inquire about this option. Great idea!
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If my partner and I weren't such minimalists, that would work. Not a spare piece of furniture for that in our apartment. We never even bought bedside tables or end tables for the sofa 😆.
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Not without a diagnosis of a "medical condition" 🙄😕
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Today I drove from Savannah to Hilton Head to join my Mom and her CCRC friends for brunch at the community clubhouse.
I got up early to meet my contractor and get him going on the 2nd property in Savannah, then drove 1 hour to my Mom's.
Her building is having a going away gathering for her today at 4pm in the lobby.
She was so mean to me at the brunch table, that even 2 of her friends finally spoke up and told her to leave me alone, and that I'm doing everything for her, and she should stop giving me a hard time. That finally shut her up, and she was quiet, or ar least not mean to me, thr rest of the meal.
I hope she's done being mean to me today.
Why are they like this?? 😔
Especially to those of us who care for them???😔
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Commonly Used Abbreviations
DH = Dear Husband
DW= Dear Wife, Darling Wife
LO = Loved One
ES = Early Stage
EO = Early Onset
FTD = Frontotemporal Dementia
VD = Vascular Dementia
MC = Memory Care
AL = Assisted Living
POA = Power of Attorney
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