Are there times when you just don't want to be around people with "normal" lives?

my DW is not that bad yet other then short term loss confused easily, but I will say doesn’t like large noisy places and crowds.

@Denise1847

I can't say if it's common, but my mom suffered with this in spades. We discussed her struggle with this many times. Five years since dad died, it still does.

FTR, my mom isn't a glass-half-full kind of thinker by nature. They were late in their 70s/80s before dementia took over their lives entirely. They'd enjoyed a relatively blissful retirement starting in 2000 and aside from being dropped socially in MD around 2004, which meant spending 6 months a year in Florida where she created a new social group before she had to move back to PA in 2016. She was pretty isolated after that, and when her friends did reach out, the conversations about their trips, wonderful Florida weather and high-achieving grandchildren (she has 3, one who is terrific, one who has made a complete mess of her life and my son who has autism) left her feeling worse than if they'd completely dropped her I think.

While it would have been tempting to point out that she had 15 years to travel to Europe if she wanted or that she enjoyed a kind of retirement I won't because of my on-going support of both her and DS, I feel she is absolutely entitled to her feelings. Loss is loss-- it's not a race to the bottom. I am sorry for the pain this causes you.

Sadly, dining out was something they had to pass on fairly early on. Initially, dad was socially unfiltered and often brought up divisive topics among friends he didn't know well so they were dropped. Later he couldn't follow conversation with more than one other person which was fine if that other person didn't mind listening to whatever monologue he was currently looping. Eventually, the experience was just too much in terms of the effort needed to showtime and the sensory overload so we stopped trying.

HB

Denise I feel it is common, especially as the middle stages kick in. It's very difficult to be social when the pwd just needs to have a routine. My dw struggles at the mcf in large noisy groups. She will say I can't breathe and thats the sign she needs to be pulled back out.

And yes I find times when I don't want to do things because I get the same questions which leads me to try to explain the latest losses and I feel that brings everyone else down.

When in the throes of Alzheimer’s, my DH was exceptionally agitated with loud noise and crowds. (Ironic for a guy who coached basketball in large arenas with screaming and occasionally booing fans.) Even family gatherings of 7 or so were tolerated for only a short time. COVID put a stop to most stressful social situations and, yes, increased isolation. Since his passing, I have reconnected with several friends for leisurely lunches or visits. I’m grateful for the couples who still invite me out for nice dinners as a “plus one”. (My first lunch date with an old college buddy morphed into a 5 hour gab fest at Panera. Her long suffering hubby finally called looking for us.) There is still some semblance of a social life after Alzheimer’s; it’s just never the same.

For me, realizing that being around people with normal lives is difficult was another one of those gut punches that happen along the dementia road. Much as I dearly love my husband, and my heart breaks for him, seeing the parts of my own life that are gone, or changing, or never will be takes a toll over time. Being with people who are living out the dreams we once looked forward to is hard - and giving yourself permission not to experience the hurt and bits of inevitable envy by staying away from certain situations, is actually taking care of your mental health. It feels like a loss, to lose friends or an evening of socializing, but it can be protective. Looking forward, seeking God's peace that passes understanding, are the only way I can stay in the moment.

Denise I too think it’s part of this journey. I was the one that always enjoyed being around other people. Not anymore. Kinda like you in the beginning of this I used retail therapy, thank goodness that didn’t last long. I enjoyed reading my Bible, but for the last 7 years I study my Bible. So much I didn’t really understand but when sit, learning the Hebrew and Greek brings a much deeper understanding. So true fully I don’t miss being around other people. I try talking to my dh about something I didn’t understand, knowing he doesn’t understand a word I’m saying but he seems to be peaceful when I read to him or just talking about Bible.

Denise,

You expressed exactly what I have been feeling lately. We still do some socialization but I do find it hard to be around others who are doing things we dreamed of doing or we can't do anymore. Jealousy, as others have said, is not a healthy emotion but I notice I don't want to check Facebook or other social media for fear of getting into that mode. Thank you for your honest post.

@Denise1847 I wish I had a magic wand I could wave to make it possible for your DH to accept a caregiver, so you could get out and have a break. The breaks I get enable me to stay on track with caregiving. For me the actual hands-on, day-to-day caregiving is not really that bad, because DH is an easy going and good-natured guy. The thing that I struggle with is the loss of my own freedom....that I can't just pick up and go on a whim, I always need to find caregiver help to be able to get a break. But the thing that keeps me awake at night is the sensation that time is slipping by. The clock is ticking, minutes and hours going by and I am getting older and in time will likely be less healthy and able. I hate the feeling that these precious early years of retirement, when I want to go and do and reap the rewards of my many years of working, are being spent sitting in one place.

A friend once told me that when we retire we have three phases ahead of us. At first we are in the Go Go years, when we are still physically able to get out and go and travel extensively. Then we hit the Slow Go years, when we still can get out but there are limits to how long and how far we are able to travel. Finally we enter our No Go years, where we pretty much stay at home, and seldom venture out. Unfortunately right now I am a wannabe Go Go person who is trapped with a No Go person. Sigh.