Elderly Care for Dad

kbmills · December 2023

Hello,

My Dad is 97 yo and has been living in a progressive care community for the past 15+ years. After my Mom passed from VD in 2015, Dad made it very clear he did not want to ever have to go to AL our LTC but wanted aides to come to his home to assist if needed. Roll forward 7 years and here we are in full-blown dementia. Dad has lovely aides who care for him quite well but the cost is astronomical. I have an older brother who is his financial POA and a younger sister. Being that I am an RN, I am Dad's medical POA. The short story: My brother has been extremely difficult with his expectations of these caretakers and how he pays them (e.g.if there is any time disparity, he holds their pay until resolved). This has been extremely upsetting to me as these ladies are caring for my Dad per his wishes and need to be paid in a timely manner for the care they provide daily. I am planning to retire after the beginning of 2024 and my husband would like to move my Dad to our home once we can add a few safety features (stair lift) and other accommodations for his care. Dad is not a good sleeper; usually up to use the bathroom several times a night and some nights, does not sleep much at all. I recently started him on Mirtazipine which has helped a little but not a lot. He is a huge fall risk as he only has vision in one eye but stubborn and not very accepting of assistance. He uses a rollator but only "when he needs it."

I am looking for suggestions from others who have been through this before with an elderly parent. Is a move too much at this point or will he eventually adjust? He definitely looks to my husband and I for comfort whenever he gets agitated, difficult or distressed. My brother manages his finances and any care issues remotely despite living just 20 minutes from Dad. My sister, also 20 minuted from Dad, has her own medical problems and does not drive but does visit when she can. Between my husband and I, we visit Dad at least 3-4 times a week, get him groceries weekly, take him to all of his appointments, etc.

Please advise if you can. Would like to have him live with us but also wondering about having some in-the house care in addition especially at night time since he does not sleep well.

Thank you in advance for any suggestions/recommendations you can share.

2parents/brain change · December 2023

Wow, I can't say much except a move in situation sounds very, very hard. We tried having my 92 year old mom live with her Grandson and his large family. It worked for a time, but it was so difficult.

As much as it nearly makes my skin crawl to have mom in full time memory care, the facility does a good job. It has turned out to be the best situation as she is entering late stages. We, my husband and I and the oldest sibs are in our 70s and caring is physically and emotionally exhausting.

We have a brother who is POA and very difficult. Plus not well informed or willing to work at getting informed.

Take your time in making a decision, but don't sell you own life short.

kbmills · December 2023

Thank you very much for your words and thoughts. Much appreciated.

Best to you as you continue on your journey with your mom........

housefinch · December 2023

This may come as a surprise to hear. He sounds like he needs 24/7 supervision because he seems at high risk for wandering/elopement, etc. I am sensing from your post that maybe you and your husband, and your brother, are thinking it would be manageable to have him at your house and provide that kind of care. Honestly, he likely needs an human being awake and with “eyes on him” 24 hours a day for his safety from your description. That is memory care, in my opinion, unless you have unlimited money or unlimited ability to live without sleep, risk your own health, everyone can quit their jobs, and everyone has the patience of a saint and is suited to be a caregiver. I personally value my own health, sanity, relationship too much and would be putting my relative in memory care. I don’t think the transition for your relative would be as damaging as the potential personal cost (non-monetary) of taking on that job yourself. At least I couldn’t do it. My 2 cents only.

kbmills · December 2023

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/191198#Comment_191198

Thank you for your "2 cents"; I very much appreciate your insight and opinion. I have read many comments both ways and appreciate your words. Thanks again.

Quilting brings calm · December 2023

I would not move him into your home for many reasons. Safety and 24 hour supervision is one. Having a life of your own is another. Someone who has been in a continuing care facility for 15 years has been in AL even if he doesn’t know it

The final reason I would not move him into your home is your brother and the purse strings. He’s not performing his duties by doing illegal things like withholding caregiver pay. Something he cannot do to the facility itself. He’s also likely to withhold money from you that you need for your dad’s care.

kbmills · December 2023

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/191654#Comment_191654

Thank you for your words and opinions, all of which I totally agree with going forward. We promised Dad we would not move him into AL in his retirement community so I am also looking in to other options for care which will be closer to me. So hard to think of what would be best for him, how would he adjust after 15 years in one apartment, etc, etc; and the guilt of having to make a good choice; very challenging. Thank you again very much.

Elderly Care for Dad

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