Mom is in Memory care

Welcome to both of you. All caregivers feel worry and guilt, to some extent, no matter what care arrangements are made. But the fact of the matter is that our loved ones have a fatal disease with no treatment. That is something to grieve, but not to feel guilty about. It is no one's fault.

Smorucci, you probably shouldn't rule out memory care or assisted living off the bat--promises made to "never put someone in a home" are unrealistic and not necessarily in anyone's best interest. There is a balance here of people who are caring for their loved ones at home, and people who are continuing to care for their loved ones in assisted living, memory care, or nursing home settings. All are viable options. It behooves you to investigate the facilities near you to be prepared for all contingencies.

I don't know for sure, but so many people caring for a loved one - whether at home or in a facility - seem to struggle enormously with guilt. Like, almost everyone I meet: other families where my mom is, and everyone I talk to caring for their loved one at home. I'm not sure where the guilt comes from (including my own), other than the fact that we cannot make this better.

If you felt it was too much caring for her at home you were ABSOLUTELY correct in placing her somewhere with a higher level of care. I was petrified when my mom moved to memory care. It is still very hard. But the truth is, she is where she needs to be. As for services, I would say that when you visit, please feel comfortable to ask staff how she is doing. Get a sense of whether they know her. Build a relationship with them. This has been invaluable to me: my mom's in a phenomenal place, but it's still scary. It helped me a lot to feel like I could call staff, talk to them, and be involved in her care while not trying to be there all the time.

I'm so sorry for everyone going through this.

Placing your LO is doing something FOR them, not TO them. I would never have considered caring for my mom in my home + she would not have wanted to be in my home with her condition, either. It’s great if you want to be a caregiver 24/7 but I would not do it.

Having said that, I spent many sleepless nights worrying about my mom, it’s part + parcel of what you go through when your LO has dementia

Hi Kcumming, It's a big shift to make, especially because our loved ones look and converse as if nothing's changed, but inside they're having a very hard time indeed making sense of a world where they can't retain any information and they're losing their abilities to do basic daily tasks. There are a lot more losses than just memory, but one of the things that may be driving your mother's behavior is that she has anosognosia, the inability to perceive her loss of capacity. Part of that is due to the way the disease is affecting her memories--she really doesn't recall that she may be struggling, and so thinks you're being difficult when you try to point out specific instances (which she won't recall, so she may also think you're making things up). I would recommend not forcing your mom to face a diagnosis of dementia. It must be terrifying. You can tell the doctor ahead of time that they can discuss a diagnosis with just you if it's going to upset your mom. Sending you some links...