Resentment
Does anyone else feel deep deep resentment toward their LO? My mom is in memory care declining fast. They now suspect vascular dementia and NPH. She refused surgery that may have helped her. I saw her yesterday, today I’m at work and she’s calling 20 times saying she is desperate and has no way to get home. I call the director who tells me she’s fine and texts a selfie with both of them. I have 22 voicemails! I am so resentful. I know it’s not on purpose but…she does really upset me.
It’s like she acts fine with them and like a basket case with me, desperately trying to get me to take her home.
i know I shouldn’t be angry but I am. What to do?
Comments
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I think we discussed before possibly losing the phone? Literally no residents in our MC have personal phones. That might go a long way towards relieving your resentment.
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Disappear the phone!
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I would get rid of the phone, too. And I restrict myself to X number of interactions per week, and it’s based on my window of tolerance. That number varies based on what is good for me that week. Sounds unfeeling, but I have to maintain those boundaries for my own health. I am sending you strength and comfort.
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Thank god for people who understand.
There is only one reason she still has the phone: my guilt and desire to stay in contact, as if I can somehow control her decline. It’s so irrational.
It will have to go. For now, I’ve gotten rid of most of the numbers on it. Half the time she calls she gets confused who she is calling. So it’s not going to be long.
I just can’t bring myself to admit we are at that point.
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@Anonymousjpl123 I’m not even dealing with PWD in memory care. It’s my mom who is a caregiver for PWD and doing all sorts of unsafe things while “caring” for him. I get too angry hearing her “today’s social events” update text messages knowing she’s leaving him home alone. Although she was just notified that her insurance is dropping her because she’s had 2 car accidents in a year, both her fault, 1 in which she totaled her car. She’s always been a very good driver. So she may have MCI already and be heading for dementia. Lord help me.
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I hear you! My guilt is palpable. You're not alone.
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I had the similar situation and we had to remove the phone. My parent forgot about it within a day but it’s heartbreaking.0
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@housefinch that sounds awful. And so stressful! I think it’s normal to have some resentment even when, as with your mom, they may not realize the dangerousness of what they are doing. Watching our loved ones decline in this way is a special hell because, like your moms driving and over extending your dad, it’s a tightrope of when and how to intervene. With my mom, I know she will need to lose the phone but she is deteriorating so fast I can’t bear it yet.
@WarrenL and @NUMber2 when I do talk with her she’s so disoriented. Much of the time I have a healthy perspective, and can hold it together, but sometimes it is hard. Watching a human being lose their faculties, especially one you love (even if your relationship is fraught), is sad. I can’t find a silver lining these days. She is so out of it.
The MC staff talk a lot about being in the present. Some days I’m better at acceptance than others. For now, as annoying as it is, the phone stays. But the time she won’t need to use it is coming soon and I find myself in tears thinking about it. I just never saw this coming. Thanks everyone for listening.
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Anonymousjpl123 I completely understand your frustration and resentment. I am unmarried (the only one of my siblings) and thus, I live with my mother in her home, trying to keep her there as long as possible. Because of this, she thinks I am the only person who can help her, and that because my siblings have families (all grown) that I should not talk to them about her issues, or ask for their help. I am also work in family practice healthcare and feel as if I never get to leave work most days. I want so badly for her to understand that others can help with her, if only she would allow it. When she refuses she does so in a very nasty way usually which breaks my heart and makes me angry at the same time. I completely understand the frustration and resentment and how it affects the relationship between you and your LO.0
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You might want to tell her that the other people are there to help you. You are the one needing help. Maybe have whomever come in as if they are just there to help with housecleaning for you. Even possibly explain that the person coming in needs the help and she’s actually helping them.
It is so hard to accept each milestone of decline. Each and every one of them caught me off guard and only after I was able to accept them was I able to adjust and find peace within myself.
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@karensboy81 it’s so hard! I feel like this pressure all the time, and I can only imagine what you experience living with your mom. That said, all we can do is give ourselves grace: I visit my mom as much as I can, and try to be kind to myself when I either over extend myself or resent the crap out of her. It’s just like this I think. I hope you can ask for help. My siblings want nothing to do with this, but my friends? They have RALLIED. I ask them for help in a crunch because there is no one else for me to call, and they have been there like the extended family of my dreams. So don’t be afraid to ask. And especially start with your family, but even if they can’t help, get it wherever you can.
Watching my mom decline is a nightmare, but I don’t feel alone and that has made all the difference.
@mommyandme (m&m) it is exactly that. I don’t know if it’s the NPH, or dementia, or that my dad was covering for her and all heck broke loose when he died, but her decline has been so fast. Fits and starts, but fast. On my best days, I remember that she is in the absolutely best place she could be and that I’m there when I can be. On my worst days I see only the sadness. What I’m trying to remember is these milestones are part of her illness, and are expected. I struggle with boundaries, and many days feel like pea soup, but I take so much comforT reading posts here, knowing you are going through this or have.
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@housefinch my best friend just told me make a schedule for “days on and off” with my mom. And to make a schedule for at least one day a week that is just for me. Any advice on what you’ve done?
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@kjwright428 I have mostly detached myself emotionally from knowing as much detail of my mom’s everyday life. I am learning how to set boundaries and prioritize my own family. I have some specific family issues unrelated to dementia that may not be universal. Dementia has definitely not helped those, though, and working on my own coping mechanisms has been vital. And trying to prioritize being healthy instead of reaching for chocolate!
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Me too! And figuring out boundaries is no mean feat! I am constantly second guessing myself but miraculously have been able to keep my job, limit myself to visit on weekend (though I still do take my mom home on the occasional overnight - even staff agreed it seems to help her feel connected because I have 3 little animals that adore her and basically stay glued to her the entire time).
There is no right or perfect schedule, just one that works for YOU and allows you to have the ability to not lose control of your own life.
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Commonly Used Abbreviations
DH = Dear Husband
DW= Dear Wife, Darling Wife
LO = Loved One
ES = Early Stage
EO = Early Onset
FTD = Frontotemporal Dementia
VD = Vascular Dementia
MC = Memory Care
AL = Assisted Living
POA = Power of Attorney
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