Alzheimer's sister gets aggressive

dmbasinet · December 2023

I'm living with and caring for my 68 yo sister. She's probably stage 6. I know not to argue but what do I do when I need to get her out of her dirty Depends/clothes? She isn't able to follow instructions but she won't let me help her. I can't physically force her, of course. She has a habit of pulling down her pants in other rooms than the bathroom but when I guide her to the bathroom she refuses to go. If I don't watch her constantly she'll do it on the kitchen floor or elsewhere. Someone comes in once a week for 3 hours to give her a shower. My sister will go to her daughter's for about 5 hours one day a week. I've asked her other daughter to start helping out by taking her one day a week but she's refused. She says she's too busy and when I push the issue she's gotten very angry and attacks me verbally. I have no idea how to get my sister to do what is necessary or let me do it. I am completely burnt out.

Quilting brings calm · December 2023

Can you elaborate on your living arrangements? Are you being paid to care for her or are you getting free/discounted room and board? What caused you to be the person with the primary responsibility for her rather than her daughters? Who has the medical and financial POA? Does she qualify for institutional Medicaid?

dmbasinet · December 2023

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/191783#Comment_191783

I'm not getting paid but getting free room & board. Her daughter has been trying to get Medicaid. I moved in to take care of her since I don't work. Her one daughter works full-time and a part-time job with 2 kids at home. The daughter who won't help is a college professor who teaches 4 classes but no kids at home and husband only works 2 days a week. I'm waiting until Medicaid comes through but in the meantime there's not enough money to hire more caregivers. I'm doing the best I can but I can't force my sister to change clothes or underwear and she refuses but gets aggressive if I try to help. It takes everything I can do to keep her from going to the bathroom throughout the house. She is much more compliant with other people than me so they don't understand how bad it gets.

M1 · December 2023

Because she is more compliant with other caregivers, they would do well to consider placement for her, Medicaid or no. Perhaps you could consider putting a time limit on your services, that would seem completely reasonable to me. Incontinence and toileting issues are the most common reason for placement.

Quilting brings calm · December 2023

@M1 said what I was thinking. There are two different types of Medicaid - one is specific to placement in a facility that takes Medicaid. The eligibility requirements are different than when the patient lives at home.

In the meantime, use your cell phone camera to film her being aggressive with you and show this to both daughters and their spouses and send it to her doctors. Medication may help. Also explain to the unhelpful daughter that her Mom’s bathroom habits are diminishing the value of the home. That may be something she will respond to.

leilani · December 2023

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/67458/alzheimers-sister-gets-aggressive

My older Sister is the same age as yours. No help from her son, so I've taken care of her for the past 6 years. She is around stage 6-7. It isn't easy and since I'm a widow without children of my own, I have made this my full time position. I've gone through some pretty miserable stages with her and learning about her illness during the journey. Every morning I know she will fight me while I change and clean her up. I can no longer brush her teeth, as she will not open her mouth for the cleaning. I'm still able to dress and clean her up, because she is frail and I can over power her. I know....it's exhausting. AND, I'm so sorry you are going through this. I would suggest more help with caregivers? I have a Niece who helps me part-time and gives her bathes. HUGGS

dmbasinet · January 5

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/191839#Comment_191839

Thank you so much. I have no choice but to get her dirty Depends off her by force. I don't hurt her but there's no other way to clean her up or change her. She won't take them off or let me. I feel terrible but I can't let her stay in her urine and feces all day. She will pull down her pants and try to go to the bathroom on the floor but when I stop her and take her to the bathroom she won't go. Aside from the toileting issues and her coming into my bedroom and waking me up throughout the night, I feel I could manage. Unless she goes to a Medicaid facility after it gets approved there isn't enough money to hire more help. She doesn't own a home or have any assets except $1,200 a month Social Security. I feel angry and resentful and then guilty for feeling that way. It helps to know other people understand what I'm going through.

Mimi50 · January 5

It really sounds like you have your hands full. It sounds like her one daughter should be helping you more. I agree with M1 it might be wise to put time limit. On how long you will continue to care for her. She may need placement at MC facility. My husband now has Medicare but he has cost sharing after Medicare and we pay out of pocket. Where Medicaid pays the difference this was put in place when he was approved for Medicare. Maybe it works differently if your sister needs placement in MC. The stress you are under is not healthy or sustainable for any long period of time. I sure hope her unhelpful daughter gets helpful quickly.

Mimi50 · January 5

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/191839#Comment_191839

We have one son he is 26 years old. He lives close by and sees his Dad regularly. If I couldn't care for my husband if something were to happen to me. Then Joshua would have to is that something I want no. He has full time job and 2 year old. Which is why getting plan in place while my husband ES is critical. They can still figure your out care plan for her now. So you can have A life and your sister is well taken care of.

Alzheimer's sister gets aggressive

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