What if you can not take it anymore !

I understand what you're saying. I'm having some of the same issues, they've just started. For some reason, he thinks our house is not our house and that we have another one. I ask him where it is, and he says, "Over there," pointing vaguely in a random direction. I'll try to get him to understand that this is, in fact, our home, showing him that all of his things are here, etc. His response? "When did you bring those here?" We've lived here for 15 years.

He doesn't recognize me sometimes. He asks me where I am (meaning I am not me, and where am I.) It's like he recognizes my role as his wife, but not that I am that person. I am also raising my 13-year-old grandson and he is fixated on where he is all the time. If he asks me once, he asks me 100 times, "Where's E?"

He tells me stories or asks questions that have no grounding in reality at all. Sometimes I can just crawl into his fantasy and hang out with him there for a while, but there are some things where that just doesn't work.

This is a man that drove a truck cross-country for 30 years and helped build a good chunk of the local infrastructure driving construction dump for another 20. He could tell you how to get to just about any place, anywhere in the lower 48. Now? Now he has to ask me every time how to get to the bathroom that is 20 feet away.

This is just the tip of the iceberg. I am considering counseling - have you thought about that? Sometimes I just need someone to rant to. I feel so alone.

I found a therapist who understands dementia. I attend zoom sessions with her every week. its not traditional counseling, more like coaching - I tell her things that I am feeling and thinking that I can't tell anyone else. It has been extremely helpful! I encourage you to find a therapist who really understands the dementias. My Medicare Advantage Plan has covered all therapy expenses so far.

I would second what others have said about counseling for yourself. Because you are seeking counseling does NOT mean you have a mental illness. I, too, found out I needed a place to safely vent my feelings and talking to a counselor has been a god send on many occasions. She has also pointed out some things that I was, um, too close to the situation to see. And yes, my Medicare Advantage covers all but a small portion of the cost.

Rereading the thread brokenhearted. You do sound so conflicted-you are at the end of your own rope trying to care for him, yet you possibly want to treat a leukemia that he probably doesn't know he has and for which he can't understand the implications. Perhaps counseling would help you work through this one. I would look hard at questions about quality of life for both of you. I don't see how treating his leukemia could possibly contribute to improving quality of life for either of you. But ultimately, you are the one who has to make those decisions and be comfortable living with the consequences. Many have recommended the book entitled Being Mortal- I have it on hold from our library so can't give you my own take on it yet, but it's mentioned frequently on these boards which is why i ordered it.

There is a book, "Hard Choices for Loving People" that discusses end of life decisions. It is available in paperback and online in pdf. Members have found it helpful.

Iris

This is my first post, but I've read a lot of posts on this site. I have to mention, just reading what others have been writing has been a tremendous help for me. My DW, I think, is in her 3rd or 4th year. This subject hit a nerve with me and felt it was finally time to speak. IMHO, I personally see no reason to try to extend the life of someone with Dementia. Even before my wife started losing her short term memory, we were both of the opinion not to artificially attempt to extend our lives (and filled out the appropriate papers to that extent). BTW, she is in her mid 70s and I'm late 70s. During the earlier stages of Dementia, I listened to my wife complain several time a day for a couple of years "I wish I were dead", or "please kill me", or other variations. I suspect the disease has progressed, since I haven't heard those phrases for about a year now.

Again, just my personal feelings, I would do nothing to try to extend the life of someone with dementia. I can understand the selfish reasons others might want to (we don't want to lose a loved one), but what about quality of life for the LO?

At this time, my LO only lives in the moment. A few minutes later and that moment no longer exists for her. So, I try to keep her as happy and comfortable as I can, in the moment. But, I won't do anything to prolong it.

Hi Brokenhearted. Just consider that if your DH doesn't grasp that he has Alzheimer's, then he will not factor it in to the decision to treat the Leukemia. My DH would opt for treatment because he has no understanding of his Alzheimer's. I, however, would opt for him to have a peaceful journey.

Broken ….your spouse didn’t know who you were and locked you out of the house. You mentioned cleaning him, brushing his teeth, etc. implying that he’s no longer capable of doing ( or deciding to do) simple things.

In different discussions, you’ve mentioned his difficulty walking, his anger outbursts, getting kicked out of adult day care and that he’s between stage 5 and 6. You also mentioned he seems to decline every 3 months or so

Yet you feel he has the mental and emotional decision making capacity to decide what to do about leukemia.

You are going to have to make this decision. As you mention, dementia and leukemia are fatal. Dementia cannot be cured and is a one way disease. Please take some time to research stage 6 and 7. There’s been discussions here from several people whose loved ones are beginning stage 7. I think most of them wish they could have spared their loved one this stage.

I think a counselor ( not one with rigid ideals) could be of help to you while you are making this decision.

I just have to weigh in on this, and say that I agree with Quilting Brings Calm. Stages 6 and 7 are difficult enough, Ive been through this. It would have been cruel to put my husband through chemo at these stages. Let me put it another way, and use the word nightmare.

Fortunately for me, and for DH, the devastation of stage 7 was rapid, and mercifully, he passed after a few months. I recommend that you have your DH evaluated by Hospice. They are a Godsend . You can always decide not to use them, but I think you need to consider it. They also have great counseling, spiritual advisor if you need, respite care and so much more. Please...

from someone who also was locked out on the patio.

Wonderful book and read it years ago and still have it. I would suggest you buy the book!