communicating with Memory Care Staff
My husband is in a new memory care facility. I know there is a period of adjustment for him and for the staff. But I want to be a good advocate for him as he will not ask for help on his own. How do I approach the staff with requests without feeling like I am a needy wife who is going to constantly ask for something to be done for my husband?
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Hi Sandy. Does the facility have a designated person as family liaison? I would ask for a sitdown with that person, and/or for a sit-down, in person care plan meeting. It's completely appropriate for you to make the staff aware of all of your concerns, including the fact that he is reluctant to ask for help or doesn't know when to ask for help. He won't be the only one, i guarantee it.
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Is there something specific you feel they should be doing but aren't?
@M1 's advice is spot-on at this point. One thing that happened when dad was in that adjustment phase and starting to settle in, was that his aides handled him very gently those first few weeks. They didn't "force" anything. This was kind of frustrating given what the place was charging. They played the long game. If he said he didn't want to go to the dining room, they brought a plate of finger foods he could manage to his room. When he said no to a shower, they accepted that. The only times they cajoled were for a change of Depends or medication. This allowed him to see them as respecting him with the result that he became much more trusting of them and more likely to cooperate. Once they bonded with him, they became amazing at handling his occasional bouts of non-cooperation.
Dad had the same care team on his wing daily from 7am-11pm, so we got to know them well enough to make requests if something came up. They also communicated with us directly if they had a suggestion for us. I used to bring dad a hot coffee when I visited. I used to only stay about 45 minutes each time and didn't realize the coffee triggered diarrhea about an hour after he drank it for some reason. I had no idea until they asked me to stop bringing it. I switched to a fancy cold latte without any real problems.
HB
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@Grandma Sandy trust me you are not alone in feeling like the “needy wife” BUT I am sure the memory care staff will appreciate your feedback and involvement. One thing the director told me early on is that she worries more when families are not involved - that’s actually harder.
The more you ask for things, the more they will know what your husband needs and wants. My mom would never ask for coffee, and told me she never got it, so I really pushed for it. Only to find out she gets hot coffee every day!
One staff heard her telling me she almost never gets coffee, while they gave her coffee during breakfast, and was like “oh my goodness please do not say this you are killing my soul.” as a joke. But not angry at my mom. Because she knows she doesn’t mean to do this.
But the key is it’s really hard to get used to asking for things - for you and for your husband - but it’s not bad. It helps the staff get to know botu of you.
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No, as far as I know they do not have a designated family liaison. I would like that if I could talk to one person and could disseminate the information to the person that needed to know. I am actually trying to find such a person at the facility. Otherwise I feel I am telling the day staff something the night staff needs to know and even though intentions may be good, things do not always get passed along.
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the same care team 7 am to 11 pm, that is amazing. That would solve a lot of problems. No, they do not have that work schedule.
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Certainly the facility has a head person overseeing staff...even if they are not physically there for all shifts.
When presenting your issues...better to phrase them as questions or concerns...rather than complaints. What you are seeing may not be the whole story...then again, there are places/staff who do not live up to reasonable expectations. You just never know.
When you find the right person to talk with, end each meeting with a "let's follow up on (certain date and time), to make sure they understand your desire to stay informed.
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Grandma Sandy, your question made me realize how poor the communication is at MIL’s MC. Yesterday I asked for a contact to discuss changes in her care and other issues that might arise. (I already talk with the nurses but they are very defensive and offer little unless I ask the exact right question).
The MC had to figure out who my contact would be - they go through a lot of staff. They all know who I am because they see me a lot. The CNAs have been my best bet, but they don’t always have the big picture. But now I do have a contact and feel much more confident that I’ll get the info I need. So thanks for giving me the initiative to get this done.
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Yes. This is exactly what I have been trying to find out. The person or persons who are responsible for certain aspects of care. For example, who do I go to for laundry questions, for housekeeping questions, for personal hygiene questions, etc. etc. I will keep trying and the suggestion for a specific follow up conversation is a great idea. Thanks
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The idea of a specific follow up conversation is a great idea. Thanks
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Commonly Used Abbreviations
DH = Dear Husband
DW= Dear Wife, Darling Wife
LO = Loved One
ES = Early Stage
EO = Early Onset
FTD = Frontotemporal Dementia
VD = Vascular Dementia
MC = Memory Care
AL = Assisted Living
POA = Power of Attorney
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