My Wife, Dementia, and a Silent Christmas

Dunno, I’m so sorry people are like that. Your wife sounds like a terrific lady. This life is lonesomeMy DH can’t be left alone. On Wednesdays I go to a local support group for two hours. We meet at a memory care center and our PWD can stay for day care at the facility while we meet. They don’t charge us for that. I also pay for occasional additional day care. My support group is very helpful. Maybe you can find a day care situation like that. Most people don’t want to get caught up in our world of dementia. However, The folks in this forum can be very supportive and helpful. This journey has ups and downs and requires so many changes in ourselves. Make sure you find as much ‘me time’ as you can. Vent as much as you want. We understand.

I, too, felt angry/disappointed toward a couple nephews who didn't express care or reached out just to ask how we were doing throughout this journey. While they're not our children (we have none), we've treated them as if they're our own flesh and blood from their birth to present, with the younger one just turning 21. They're adults now, so I refused to make excuses for them. Simply put, I conveyed my disheartened and disappointed sentiments without attacking them. It was like a light bulb had been turned on for them and the turn around was swift. They said they had stayed away because they feared saying the wrong things and offending us. So I suppose many people truly don't know how to handle PWD. Regardless, I believe it's healthy to communicate how you feel to your children in a calm manner without resentment (as M1 also suggested). Wishing you a positive outcome.

I am in total agreement. My family does not fully understand and can be very thoughtless. I agree - make a request - not a complaint. You will get what you want. Stay well.

I hear you, dunno, but you are bearing the brunt of this disease.

Dunno, my wife is similar to your wife in that she always had big parties for the holidays. She always made special cookies each year (About 10 dozen) to share with all of the kids. This year she told me she just can't do it anymore. The stress, the memory issues, all make it hard for her to cope and continue with some of those traditions. Because she can't then that leads to the stresses of I'm not good enough anymore, etc.

Along with the cognitive decline she has had bouts of delirium that last a few hours to as long as a week when she was hospitalized. It makes it all very difficult. On top of that the kids and family shy away from her because they don't know how to deal with it either. So I'm the sole caregiver who now cancels any off site activities to stay home with my wife. It is very stressful and I'm now looking for a caregiver that can come in a few hours a week to give me some relief.

Good luck with your wife and with your health.

@Dunno

I am so sorry. I'm glad your son came and you were able to talk. I get that it's hard to watch someone you love slip away. But like a lot of things, adults do them anyway.

Please make your needs known; it sounds like however wonderful your wife is, she didn't quite finish raising her children to be thoughtful adults. My own mother was similar in modeling giving behavior but not fully instilling it. By virtue of birth order and distance she had never been in the role of caregiver for her parents or any of her older siblings so I was blissfully ignorant of the dynamics. I had to pick that up out in the world as an adult.

HB

The isolation from the disease hurts. I'm sorry that you weren't included in the family event, its wrong of them to not include the both of you. Every excuse will be made, but the bottom line is you were hurt. I'm very sorry that happened. Sadly it happens frequently. Your best bet is to be the best caregiver you can be and move forward.

eagle

I am so sorry. You both need that love and support. Our son is 26 years old and we have 2 year old granddaughter. So we went to his house.