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Tips for caregiving a parent who thinks there's nothing wrong...

Lisa BS
Lisa BS Member Posts: 10
First Comment
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in Caring for a Parent

Hi there!

New here and struggling. I am an only child. I am in CT, my mom in FL. Mom was diagnosed in 2020 and things have steadily declined. I have durable POA, and health care POA. My mom is struggling to read and take care of finances but refuses to admit anything is wrong and refuses help. Other than sneaking around to find her information so I can be on top of it for her, are there any suggestions as to how to convince her to let me help her before things get our of control? I have tried kind and gently conversation but that hasn't worked. I am told that "she is the mother, I have my own children to take care of, and there is nothing wrong (with her)." There have been a number of incidences already where she has messed up with check-writing or hasn't paid bills on time.

Thanks for any thoughts or advice!

Comments

  • M1
    M1 Member Posts: 6,788
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    welcome to the forum, and so sorry for your struggles. She has anosognosia: a feature of the disease where she truly can't perceive her deficits. Well over 50% of dementia patients have it. Unfortunately, you are likely to have to intervene against her will on all fronts, and it is good that you already hold power of attorney: in fact because you hold it you have a duty to act. There is a saying on these boards that safety has to drive the decision-making.

    You probably are going to have to consider moving her closer to you, and/or move her to an assisted living or memory care facility in Florida. Workarounds and "therapeutic fibs" are going to be more effective than reasoning: she can't do that any more. Advice here would be to not even try to reason with her, because you will only upset her, as you have already experienced. Have her come to you for an extended visit and then come up for a reason that she has to stay: oops, there was a water/gas/radon leak in your home, it's going to take a long time to repair: but I've found a great place for you to stay in the interim.

    Are you a signatory on her bank accounts? That might also help, if you can convince her to add you. Then you can put her bills on autopay and do them electronically. Talk to an officer at her bank, if you don't already have a personal relationship with one. You should also freeze her credit with all three agencies--you need to prevent her being scammed.

    It's very hard to have to change the parent/child or spousal dynamic in the face of dementia, but all of here on the forum have had to do it. There are many who can help, you've come to a good place. I wish you well.

  • Rae4
    Rae4 Member Posts: 16
    10 Comments 5 Likes 5 Care Reactions
    Member

    Hi Lisa,

    I just wanted to share that I was in a similar place with my mom as you are with yours. My mom has always been a very independent woman living and managing on her own for over 45 years. I was beginning to see her struggle with gathering her paperwork for her taxes and saw a couple of late payments on her bills. I questioned her numerous times and offered to help numerous times just to be rebuffed. She felt it was just an over site and she was on top of things, until she almost got scammed out of $15,000. She fell for a very popular phone scam called the grandmother scam. She was told her grandson was in jail for running a red light and hitting a pregnant woman causing severe injuries. She was told if she wired the money to her grandsons attorney then he would be able to get out of jail on bail. She started that processes but got confused on the computer (thank God). The scammer called her back and said he would accept cash and he could meet her at a location near by. My mom actually went to the bank to withdraw the money but fortunately her bank closed at noon that day and she wasn’t able to withdraw the cash. She called me several hours later to let me know how worried she was about her grandson and to see if I could help somehow. After that experience she agreed to let me take over her banking, and everything else. While going through her accounts I found she had over $600 a month in automatic subscriptions for things she didn’t use any longer. It was a mess! Trust your instincts and step in! I wish I would have done it sooner. Good Luck!

  • Lisa BS
    Lisa BS Member Posts: 10
    First Comment
    Member
    https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/192707#Comment_192707

    Thank you so much for sharing this! It is so scary out there! I am trying to, inch by inch, get her to give me more responsibility but she is a tough cookie. I may need to rip off the Band-Aid in her best interest!

  • Lisa BS
    Lisa BS Member Posts: 10
    First Comment
    Member
    https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/192697#Comment_192697

    Thank you so much for your thoughts. It is so helpful to read others' advice. I am definitely considering the idea of moving near her.

  • jfkoc
    jfkoc Member Posts: 3,946
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    "It's all in the approach"

    I would take a long look at coming from the idea that you and the grandchildren really miss her. Anything you can add to let her think that her maternal care/helping is needed may just tip the scale of getting her closer to where you live.

    Another thing you can do is get everything possible online...bills, banking etc.

Commonly Used Abbreviations


DH = Dear Husband
DW= Dear Wife, Darling Wife
LO = Loved One
ES = Early Stage
EO = Early Onset
FTD = Frontotemporal Dementia
VD = Vascular Dementia
MC = Memory Care
AL = Assisted Living
POA = Power of Attorney
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