Need to vent

Lgb35 · January 5

we are early in this journey. We are both young and still working. DH is 60 and works as a salesman for building materials. He vents about his job every day and always has. His diagnosis a year ago was MCI and I notice issues with his memory and word finding every day at home. I don’t know how it is possible that it is not impacting his work. I said to him today not to get defensive but I didn’t know how it is not impacting work based on what I see at home. His rationale is he is opening up to me more and it has been like this longer than I know. He then ends the conversation with well I guess I am crazy so whatever. UGH that is not what I said. I can’t say anything without that snarky type response. About 6-7 years ago when he started complaining about having memory issues I didn’t notice his struggle but now it is painfully obvious ever. Single. Day.

thanks for listening

M1 · January 5

you need to speak to a certified elder law attorney asap about getting him on short- and then long-term disability so that he doesn't get fired for cause. If he gets fired from his job for cause, he could lose any pension benefits he has. Don't delay, it may be critical to your financial future. He should qualify immediately for SSDI and then Medicare, which will help you. You also need to get power of attorney for healthcare and finances, as you will likely need it in the future.

carmenmagee · January 5

Sorry you are going thru this struggle. My husband was diagnosed four years ago at age 58. We had been married two years. I now realize he could having issues for years since he was a widower and lived by himself.

A plumber his whole life, I think many things were ingrained in his long term memory. He got so is was more like anxiety with things that involved numbers. When he went on Disability and “retired”, I’m amazed he could do his job as long as he did.

After a major incident driving, I took the bull by the horns so to speak and got some very great advice from a doctor friend. Memory Testing was devastating, immediately no driving and an Amyloid PET Scan confirmed Early Onset.

With that all being said, I strongly agree with the other comment. Get your affairs in order ASAP, financial and medically. Get a good Attorney to help you navigate what your future could look like. One thing I learned, if you don’t know what the question is, it’s hard to find the answer. Finding the right people to help you navigate these issues is critical. It gave us both a big peace of mind. Prayers for you both.

Belle · January 5

Sounds very much like how my DH was behaving before diagnosis. Lots of complaints about his memory but everything was a personal insult to him including very gentle attempts at convincing him to retire. He got in pretty big trouble at work and then it became obvious that he had to retire or he was going to get fired. I made a deal that we would both retire and then I would start the process to get him on SSDI. All of that worked, he retired, I retired, he didn't lose his pension and he was approved for SSDI due to his cognitive impairment. None of that was fun and now he's on some medication to help, it was all anxiety driven behavior, and I have learned how to approach him in a way that usually doesn't elicit a meltdown. Is your DH on any medication for anxiety? What you told us probably should be discussed with his doctor.

mrahope · January 5

I would agree with what the others have said. This is the time to get your affairs in order. When my DH was told he had MCI back at the end of 2020 it took me a while to realize what some of the legal and financial implications were. It took until almost the end of 2021 to complete the documents, and TBH, they sat in a drawer until today. Then I was able to use the healthcare POA that we had created to allow my DS to have access to DH's medical records so he could help me advocate for DH. It was and is a relief to have DS able to help me, and without the POA it would not have been possible. Just helping you to realize why you need these things.

Also, you are so entitled to vent. It's a terrible thing to have happen to your LO, and then the anger starting is just so wearing. I have listened to my angry spouse about so many issues over and over again. Do whatever it takes to "turn down the volume" at least in your own mind. I often get out my knitting when he starts to talk and ramble on about things I can't do anything about. It's sad to have to do that, but it helps.

Lgb35 · January 6

Thank you everyone. He has been on aricept and Zoloft for the past 3 years. I might have to discuss increasing Zoloft with our doctor. We are working on all the legal papers now

GG06 · January 6

@Lgb35 Your story is strikingly similar to the situation with my husband. He is 64 and was diagnosed with FTD in May 2023 but is still working. I am stunned he can still do his job given his current cognitive and social deficits, but evidently, he can. He has no awareness of his dementia other than recognizing he "forgets some things." I contacted a close work colleague of his in July because I was so concerned. His co-worker thanked me for telling him and said he knew something was off with my husband. But he also said my husband's analytical and written skills were still excellent. We agreed that he would talk to the head of the firm. I haven't heard anything since, so I guess he is still producing good work.

Also like your husband, mine voiced concerns in 2019 about his memory. Said he couldn't remember peoples' names he used to work with or some accounting research. I told him I thought he was being paranoid because of his family's history of dementia. I hadn't noticed any memory issues . . . until 2022. I won't go into the history here, but I've posted our experience in the FTD group. If you are interested, click on the Groups tab on the ALZCONNECTED banner, and you'll see it.

Zoloft has been a miracle drug for my husband. Hopefully it continues to work for him.

Curious - what tests did your husband have done to get his MCI diagnosis?

Gig Harbor · January 6

The only suggestion I have other than what M1 said is how you talk about his diagnosis. I tried to talk to my husband about how everyone has some kind of problems when you get to an older age. I pointed out that some of his friends had various cancers, others had heart or lung problems and others had mobility issues. I said that his problems were related to memory issues but that we would find ways to work around that just as we would for any other disease. That seemed to help when it was just included with other diseases rather than making it into a huge issue. I said that if he had vision issues he wouldn’t drive so brain issues meant he couldn’t drive either. It all helped a little bit. I also stressed how lucky he was to be more physically fit than some of his friends.

Lgb35 · January 7

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/193810#Comment_193810

He had MRI, spinal tap, tons of blood work, neuropsychological testing, speech evaluation due to aphasia. He is atypical for FTD and Alzheimer’s but they believe it is one of them. It is a wait and see at this point. I am getting ready to schedule an appointment so we can discuss testing since it has been a year since we have done anything. I feel like he has declined in the year but he rationalize his memory lapses and word finding. I don’t typically draw attention to any of it I just roll with it as long as I can figure out what he is trying to say but occasionally it is so far off that I can’t.

ButterflyWings · January 8

@GG06 is sounds like you need to be careful that your DH does not get fired for cause, before accessing his short term or long term disability rights that he is entitled to. The advice here is to speak with a Certified Elder Law Atty (CELA) post haste.

I will tell you that we trusted "friends" in my DH's field to be honorable and some of them were opportunistic instead. Don't let that happen to you.

GG06 · January 8

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/193962#Comment_193962

@ButterflyWings We have our financial and legal affairs squared away. I doubt his firm will fire him, but if that happens, we will be okay.

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