Dad has ALZ, Mom has cancer
Thats when Dad's stability went down hill. He decided two days ago that he wasn't taking anymore medicine and this was "the end". I think his plan is to try to die before my mom does.
My parents aren't that old: Dad 70 and Mom 68. Like, I didn't see this happening now. I'm tired and weary. Long story short, we are actively looking to get him placed in a memory care facility. The cost is crazy but my mom can't do this. Shes tryimg to survive herself. My sister and I can't either.
Comments
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Welcome to the forum, that's a lot to have on your plate. Makes perfect sense to get your dad placed, there's no shame in needing that structure and support. Keep us posted how it goes. You've come to a supportive community.
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Thank you. I'm sorry we all have to be here in our own individual circumstances regarding ALZ/dementia, but I'm glad to know I'm not alone. It brings a sense of comfort.
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Hello, Rhun. I'm so sorry you're going through this. The first years of a marriage should be ones of joy and hope, and the delight of laying plans for the future. They should be some of the best years of your life. I'm sorry that it's not working out that way for you and your spouse and your family.
I think your focus should be on your mother. Ovarian cancer is an incredibly painful thing in both its progression and its treatment. And it's a frightening thing. Be there for your mom, in every way that she needs you, in every way that you can. Things will sort themselves out for your dad in their own way.
It's good that you're planning to place your dad in a memory care facility. When I finally got my mom into a good memory care facility it was as if a huge burden was lifted from me and my husband. We were exhausted and stressed out trying to watch over her and care for her. Yeah, it's crazy-expensive, but it's better than ruining the lives of everyone involved in care.
If your dad is refusing to take his anti-anxiety and anti-depression meds you and your mother should speak with his doctor. Upping the meds might be appropriate. They may no longer be working.
My mom is in stage 7 of Alzheimer's and in a memory care facility, and let me tell you, getting her to take her anti-anxiety meds every day is tough. It's a battle. I often help the aids coaxing them into her. Sometimes it means concealing crushed pills in pudding or jelly. She of course forgets by the next day the stratagems we used.
Again, I'm so sorry that you're suffering through this. Life sucks sometimes. But keep your focus on your mom. She is the one who is going to be in pain, she is the one who is going to need you the most. Hugs to you all! 👨❤️👨
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Thank you so much for your encouraging message. Yes, we are definitely rallying around mom. I'm so thankful for her sister, my Aunt, taking her to her home. She's in good hands while we try and get a handle on things with Dad.
Truth be told, my father frightens me a bit. He hasn't been abusive or violent, but aggressive. He didn't like how my husband was seasoning porkchops lastnight. He was staring intently at my husband and then suddenly jumped up and said, "Oh dont stop now!! You might as well keep going!" And he grabbed the seasoning forcefully. We tried to stop him, but he poured all thr oregano on the porkchops and it went everywhere. I was stunned. He walked away angry and went to his room. I confronted him and asked why he did that. He said, "because that was way too much seasoning he was putting on those pork, just ridiculous!!" He eventually apologized.
The issue now is trying to get him to the doctor tomorrow. He's refusing. His brothers are going to help. We'll see how it goes.
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Rhun you need to tell the doctors about the pork chop incident and that he scares you, that is unacceptable in a home situation. He may need to be hospitalized for medication management before placement. That level of aggression would get him kicked out of memory care. I had to do this with my partner, it is not easy, but necessary. You need to tell them that you are afraid for your own safety and cannot take care of him at home. That needs to be your mantra to get him the care he needs.
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I agree. But here's an update:
He attempted suicide lastnight by ODing. Praise God he wasn't successful. He's now at the hospital and they will be transferring him to an in-patient unit. It's really a shame how the system makes you jump through all these hoops to get some real help. But once crisis happens, they expedite everything. I have a sense of peace in knowing that he's not at home and a danger to himself. We all are.
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Oh my goodness, i am so sorry for all of you, what a terrible, tragic way to force the issue. But i am glad he is in the hospital where he belongs. Hopefully this can be an opportunity for all of you to get the needed help. I hope the social workers can help you arrange placement for him from the hospital. Again, you should insist that taking him home again is not an option.
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I'm so sorry, Rhun, that all this is happening to you, your dad and your family. I agree with everything M1 has said. Your dad can't return to your home. That is an unacceptable situation. He needs to be placed in the geriatric psych section of the hospital where his medication can be adjusted, and then he needs to be placed in memory care.
Do not let the hospital social workers convince you or any other family member to take him home. They may try--I know a family that got calls and calls from hospital social workers pressing them to take a hospitalized family member with dementia. They stood their ground and eventually the family member was placed by social workers in assisted living memory care.
You're correct that it is a shame--criminal really--that the system makes you jump through hoops before one can get needed help. But hopefully your dad will get the help he needs, and things will get better for your family soon.
Please give us an update and tell us how things are going.
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I will repeat what others have said, do NOT take him back into your care. Insist that he be placed after hospitalization into memory care, no matter what they say. They cannot force you to come + get him, and you should not do that
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Thanks everyone for your comments, advice and empathy.
Yes, we do plan to stand our ground and let the social/case worker assigned to my Dad at the mental hospital know that him returning home is not an option because there's no one in the home to take care of him and he's a danger to himself and possibly others. We will demand a direct transition to a assisted living facility (and perhaps a locked memory care unit will be more sufficient). I think that's the part that has me most stressed, the fight. The demand and lack of support from the professionals and having to demand the help. The hoops. It has me feeling exhausted already.
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Commonly Used Abbreviations
DH = Dear Husband
DW= Dear Wife, Darling Wife
LO = Loved One
ES = Early Stage
EO = Early Onset
FTD = Frontotemporal Dementia
VD = Vascular Dementia
MC = Memory Care
AL = Assisted Living
POA = Power of Attorney
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