Memory care- when

Hi Laney. This is a very individual thing, in general i think that if you're asking the question, then it's time. Definitely start looking at facilities. i was in a similar situation, could not convince her to allow help at home, and then in the midst of the pandemic also could not find help in our rural area anyway. Our decision was forced by threats of violence over driving, and she required hospitalization before placement. With your other post about medication management, i wonder if the same may happen for you.

I agree with M1. It's an individual thing. Many people choose MC when incontinence becomes a problem. This was something I was able to handle. What puts one person over the edge may be much easier to handle for another. We're all different. Just don't push yourself too far.

I am in a similar place, DW early stage 6, needs constant attention - really comfort care. I have no life outside caregiving. Few people are capable of doing that indefinitely. I have received advice both here and from our care team she will adapt and may even do better with placement sooner than later - while she still has enough verbal and social skills to develop relationships with other residents and staff. She is not incontinent and I know that would be a tipping point for me. Hard to guess when that will happen, planning to be proactive and make the move in next few months. Everyone is different. One thing I keep hearing is take care of yourself and do what is best for you. Go ahead and start the search so you have a plan, even if you do not act on it right away.

I keep asking myself this same question. My answer may change later, but now I will try to keep DW as long as I think the care I am giving is better/same then she would get at a MC place.

I placed my dh at an earlier stage than many. I am still working and my dh liked to go for walks while I was at work. He would tell me about the places that told him not to come back, and he would tell me about "those kids" and how bad they were. I was afraid he'd get in a fight or get arrested. I tried a day care briefly, but he didn't like it and the hours didn't work well for me, so I placed him.

It was hard at first, but he likes it there and the staff and other residents like him too. He has adjusted well and is happier by far than he would have been if I'd quit my job and stayed with him--no job and no money to do the things he liked. I am also much happier, because I did not want to quit my job.

How do you all afford memory care? My understanding is that it’s not covered by Medicare nor Medicaid.

@mickenny, here is what happened to us. My partner is a very accomplished custom builder who built our farmhouse when she retired in 2008. Symptoms of dementia began in 2014 (age 73). By the spring of 2022 she was edging into stage 5, not recognizing me sometimes. She was overfeeding our animals constantly, even in the middle of the night. It wasn't safe to leave her alone, and i had to hide not only the pet food but also the car keys and the mail, and turn off the ringers on the landline phones to keep scammers at bay. Had put her on a MC waiting list and was looking for home help, though I could not find any in our rural area. One day she asked for the truck keys to go buy pet food because she had fed our two outdoor cats 24 cans of food in 3 days. I had more hidden but refused to give it to her or to give her the keys. She had a catastrophic reaction and threatened to come after me with a knife and tear the house apart. She then went to the barn to continue her search for keys. I called our neighbors and some friends for help, and our neighbor came over on the pretext of borrowing the tractor. This distracted hef, and I was able to give her an extra dose of Seroquel, which she took at bed time for sleep fragmentation. This all happened on a Friday afternoon, and our doctor's office was closed. We limped through the weekend with extra Seroquel, and when i took her to our doctor's office on Monday and explained what had happened, he just looked at me and said "M you just cant do this any more.". He sent us to the ER for psych admission, using the excuse to her that her blood pressure was high.

I have to add that the hospitalization was a disaster because they screwed up her extensive medications and caused acute narcotic withdrawal, which made her combative and resulted in my first choice MC refusing to take her. I filed state and Medicare complaints which resulted in sanctions, but that's another story. She was miserable in the MC facility where I placed her, and so insistent on leaving that i could not visit her alone for the entire year that she was there. Communication with the staff was also very problematic. In January 2023 i asked my first choice facility to reconsider, and this time they accepted her and we moved her at the end of April. She has been much better off there, and now in late stage 5/early 6, she has no memory of our beloved farm or of our 30 years together. Pictures remind her briefly, but she constantly asks where i live and whether she can come live with me. I reassure her that that's the plan. She is an introvert and claustrophobic, so that she does not like most of the group activities; when I am not there she spends most of her time in her room, constantly fidgeting and moving things around, packing up to leave if given any containers (we can't leave a laundry basket in her room for example). She refuses to let anyone besides me to help her bathe or change clothes, so I shower her on Sundays. She is still continent at this point. We had another medical hospitalization this fall that was quite difficult.

That's probably more information than you wanted. It's been a very tough five years, with 21 months now in MC.

@AlzWife2023 : we are private pay for the MC and it is breathtaking, between 9-10k per month. I am very fortunate that my partner made good money in her career and was careful with it. She would cringe at the expense now if she knew about it. She accepts the excuse that she is there for physical therapy and rehab after hospitalization. She has no sense of time whatsoever.

I am wondering about this issue, too. My DH is continent, will take medication when I give it to him, and mostly cooperative. He does have anger issues, though he has never physically threatened me with a weapon. He's refused two caregivers that I tried in our former location. He allowed them in the house, but didn't want much to do with them, other than using one of them as a "chauffer" and getting mad when she didn't do unscheduled overtime. He also refused to set foot in the adult day care, even though we'd visited it previously and he'd liked it. I feel like he's forcing my hand re: MC because he's rejected each alternative I've offered. Has anyone tried these services a second or third time after their spouse rejected them?

Sorry I replied to the wrong part of the thread.

I have a move-in date of Feb 1 to place my wife. I know it's the right thing but I"m still hesitant. She is incontinent and that combined with diarrhea is a total night mare. Not sooner than you get them changed and cleaned you have to do it all over again in a few minutes. That happened yesterday about 6 times.

I though I could hold out longer and maybe I can but my main concern is if something happens to me she would not be safe. It could be weeks or months before anyone notices we are not around and check on us.

There is no way she could survive at all without me. She can't change or clean herself and would just wallow in her own crp until she died of thirst or starvation all the while with my rotting corpse in the house.. Sorry to be so morbid but that's the reality of it. I know that's the reality of it but for some reason I'm still hesitant.

It is out-of-pocket private pay from social security and pension plus 401K. I nearly had a heart attack when DH had to move from shared room to private which increased costs by $5K/mo. I don't know how long our funds will last, or if there'll be enough left for me. But I have to do whatever it takes to keep him comfortable for the rest of his journey. I'll worry about finances when my turn comes. One day at a time.

My experience has been similar to Beachfan's except the care taking which lasted six years. My DH was also very silimar to hers. My DH was becoming incontinent and unable to walk and needed help being lifted out of chairs, etc. Finding respite for a much needed vacation turned into permanent placement for my DH at the insistence of our children. It has been the best thing for both of us. What I think has been the most helpful has been the socialization with the other residents. I had no idea that being around people was so important to him. He is unable to communicate and is wheelchair bound but he is well taken care of and loves to be around other people and they do communicate in their own way. He was so isolated with only me. It is expensive, private pay ($6.7K/month), but I have my life back and working on getting my health back. If at all possible, please consider placement. Your health and well being is important. Like our children said "We've already lost one parent, please don't make us lose both"

Lots of good input in this thread. As you can see experiences differ. I'll just add a couple of notes about when you decide to move your loved one.

While my experience moving my wife from home into MC (respite care that turned into permanent) went smoothly. I had an entirely different experience with my father who lived in another city, on his own, but was having problems and was not safe. He rejected our attempts to provide in home care. Having agreed to a "trial" respite care, once he got to the facility he must have figured what was up because he fled the facility and started flagging cars down out in the middle of the street.

If your loved one is not already on medication to control behavior I would check with his/her physician about having them take something to calm them on the day you move them and, possibly, longer. Also, make sure once inside the facility they cannot get out.

Fortunately, my father eventually settled in at a different facility that specialized in dementia patients with behavioral issues and got some relief from medications prescribed by a geriatric psychiatrist.

Fortunately, my wife, who never has been on medication, went willingly, and, somehow, I think, understood why I moved her. My guess is having helped me with my father and with us able to talk about what might happen if either one of us would end up with dementia was the reason.

She's in hospice care at a facility close to my home. I don't have to care for her 24/7 any longer and now have the time to work on overcoming the trauma of living in dementia land and the loss of my wife.

Finally, I'm not aware of any "criteria" for when to move a loved one to memory care. But I have heard this rule of thumb: "Six months before you think you should".

No it's not too soon. My partner is still continent but was starting to be resistant to bathing when she went to MC. It varies a lot.

TNT5050, you may find that you will get more responses if you post this as a new discussion thread. Tap on the orange circle on the right that has the plus sign in the center.

There is also a group for new caregivers that has a lot of useful info. Look up at the purple banner at the top and tap on “Groups”.

Briefly, you may want to talk with a CELA (Certified Elder Care Attorney) about the finances of memory care. They can also help you to get the appropriate legal documents in place.

In many areas of the country, fire departments will come to help you get your loved one up off the floor after a fall. You may want to call their non-emergency number to see if they provide this service in your area. They are trained to do it, they are younger and stronger than we are. Save your back!