How long does separation anxiety last?

clarinetist · January 11

I’m a longtime lurker who’s been on the dementia train with my husband for about six years. He’s probably in the beginning of stage six. For the past few years, he’s had separation anxiety whenever I’m not in the same room. He attended adult day care for 2 years, but was fairly anxious the whole time. Often the day care had to call me to reassure him. Now I have an in-home caregiver who comes twice a week. My husband does ok with him for the first hour, but as the day wears on and sundowning starts, he feels anxious and the caregiver calls me. My husband sees a geriatric psychiatrist who has prescribed Seroquel, Trazadone and Venlafaxine. The meds do help, but he still hates not having me in view. So I’m wondering, does this separation anxiety ever lessen? In my worst nightmare I imagine him being bed bound and me having to stay in the same room!

ghphotog · January 11

I know how you feel. My DW had to be close to me all day long. If she doesn't see me she will walk around checking doors and calling my name. For a while she did the same thing at daycare. They didn't call me but would tell her me when I picked her up that she was very anxious and looking me. She seems to do better now after almost a year.

She also is in stage 6 somewhere but I don't think this will end until she get into 7 and then I still don't know. She doesn't know we are married and I'm just a familiar face she sees every day and that seems to bring her comfort even though she really doesn't know me anymore or how we are related.

Then she can be crazy, scream at me. She will talk about me in the third person a lot.

Sorry for typos. I'm using my phone and my glasses aren't working very well anymore.

wizmo · January 11

For DW separation anxiety started around stage 4/5 maybe 2-3 years ago and has only increased. She needs constant presence of other people, preferably me but will do ok up to several hours with family and friends she has known a long time. Even when it is just us, she will ask where are all the other people. We tried in-home caregivers and she just rejected them even when presented as if they were people she knew in the past. Family tells me when I am gone for short times she asks about me and searches for me. Real separation is in our future when she goes to MC. It is going to be hard on both of us but I know we'll adapt. She may even be happier with continuity of more people around.

captmatt2 · January 12

My wife was diagnosed with Alzheimers in 2017. We did the Ely Libby trial et al. She seems to be declining rapidly lately.
I try to be patient and caring but it is getting stressful. I am just reaching out to find some support. I`m starting to feel dizzy and stressed. Her Neurologist is sort of in the background now that the trial is over.
Is this forum for people like me or should I look elsewhere?

ghphotog · January 12

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/194462#Comment_194462

Cap, this is a good place for you. A lot of experience and wisdom here.

Howaboutnow · January 12

For us, DH shadowing and need to have me in sight has only increased. We’re in beginning of 7. I’m afraid this may continue as long as mobility does.

clarinetist · January 12

Thanks, all, for your input. My siblings have been urging me to use respite care, but the facilities in my area require a minimum of one month’s stay. Because my husband can barely tolerate 4 hours away from me, I can’t imagine him making it through a month. I was hoping that the separation anxiety would wane with time and when he no longer recognizes me. Although he sometimes doesn’t know who I am, he does know that he wants me ( or the other clarinetist, because sometimes there are two of us) nearby.

l7pla1w2 · January 12

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/194366#Comment_194366

That sounds familiar. DW is in stage 4/5, I estimate. She's generally okay in the house by herself, but she does get anxious. I volunteer nearby for a couple of hours, three mornings a week. I tell DW where I'm going and that I'll be home by noon. I even put a note on the door. Sometimes when I get home, DW berates me, saying she didn't know where I was. Sometimes she calls my cellphone around 11:30 to say she misses me and she hopes I'll be home soon.

DW often asks me where I live. A minute ago she said she would show me where my closet is, so I could move in. She sometimes asks about the other people in the house (none) and whether they've left. She tells me a nice man whom she liked used to live here, but he left, and she doesn't know why, and she's glad I'm here now. (I think what that really means is that she's become a different person, and I've become a different person trying to care for her.) If I've been downstairs for awhile and she's been upstairs, she will sometimes ask, when she comes downstairs, "Where have you been? I haven't see you in awhile."

This morning, DW and I went grocery shopping. I used to do this alone, but I bring DW along now because of her anxiety. Sometimes it's like having an 8-year-old along, asking, "Can we get that? Can we get that?"

Driving home, DW remarked about how she went shopping recently by herself, that she was home alone and had cooked for herself. That's ridiculous on so many levels:

- She hasn't driven in a couple of years.

- She wouldn't know how to get to the supermarket.

- She doesn't really remember what foods she likes.

- She doesn't know what food we already have in the house.

- She needs to be reminded what she eats for breakfast and lunch (and I make dinners).

- Supermarket checkout confuses her.

Oh, and she wasn't home alone.

It's challenging to know how to respond. She asked where I had been when she was home alone, and I just had to keep repeating, "I don't remember."

Vitruvius · January 12

clarinetist,

As for this expectation:

"I was hoping that the separation anxiety would wane with time and when he no longer recognizes me"

In our case, and as others have noted, separation anxiety didn't fade when my DW failed to recognize me, In fact I think it increased. I was fortunate that like l7pla1w2 and many others, my DW did not know who I was, but was rather comfortable having me around and did not like being separated from me. Occasionally various delusions caused issues with her acceptance of me, but they always subsided after a few hours.

All that said, eventually her dementia progressed (Stage 7) to the point that my presence, or anyone else for that matter, no longer mattered much to her. She is always very accepting of me when I visit her in the MCF but is untroubled by my departures.

darcytg · January 12

How long does separation anxiety last?

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