I just need to write some stuff down.

Ok, I totally hear you! My mom was a sweet, caring, giving, kind and calm personality her complete life, to all. But as her daughter I knew her and her passive aggressive ways, her judgemental tendencies and narcissism. They were stealthy but they were there. After moving mom here so I could care for her 24/7, it took awhile to differentiate between the affects of the disease and my own mommy issues. Luckily her best characteristics were what she usually projected. Thank goodness for her smiles. Those times when she criticized me cut to my core. “Who would wear their hair like that” (my hair)… “you’re not taking care of my cats”. … blah blah blah. I had to do a lot of emotional work on the fly and also stealthily. Eventually I got thicker skin and more patience and was able to see her through til the end. The CNA license I acquired, before the move, helped immensely. Also, another way I remained somewhat sane was to have help in daily. I had to get away to survive. I would highly recommend getting in more help for your own mental health, if you can. Possibly taking her to an adult day care could provide added stimulation and distraction and give you some more needed time for you. This forum is another reason I coped along.

Welcome to this place but so very sorry for the pains which brought you here.

I think I understand where you’re at in this journey. I also want to mention that although my mother didn’t know my name (or hers for that matter) for at least a couple of years, she knew I was someone special and her person. I know she loved me even though she never said it after moving here. I told her often with no reciprocation. She knew her deceased mother’s picture but not her deceased daughter’s picture. It was a complete heartbreak for all of us when my sis died. How could she misplace that memory. oh well. The loss of who our LOs were is devastating. Some have found counseling with a therapist that has some type of dementia caregiver experience, to be quite helpful. Experience is important, cause when you don’t know how this goes… well ya just don’t know.

Your daughter sure needs you still. My moms grandchildren, who were all adults (20-27 yrs old) when mom’s dementia journey started, just really didn’t know how to deal with it. I thought they would but I found out, nope. No fault of their own. I wonder how uncomfortable your daughter is with all this.

Your mom is so fortunate to have you in her corner, watching out for her. Sometimes placement is the best decision for everyone. Your mental and physical health are so important, probably number one in your scenario.

This disease is such a soul sucker in every way! 😔

> @BabstheBus said:
> My mom is about to turn 88, alzheimers (I think possibly Lewy body), lives with me, is on Namenda and Seroquel which seem to calm hallucinations, perseverating, etc. Without those meds, it's bonkers around here. She is a lovely mom in many ways, but also the most self-centered person I've ever known (prior to this disease). It's just her and I here. She lives downstairs in an in-law apartment. I have Comfort Keepers come 2x per week for 2 hours, but I wonder about adding some more visits.
> I work full time. I have a 17 year old that spends most of her time with her boyfriend. My husband passed away at 44 almost 6 years ago. My only sister moved to Florida last year. She is helpful sometimes, but has seen mom about 3 times since, for quick visits, not to give me a break. But so far, so good as far as this arrrangement overall, but I wonder how long I can do this. And I'm trying not to focus on how it all affects me and just be caring and loving, but I get frustrated often, snap sometimes, say the wrong things and correct mom when I shouldn't. Trying to stay peaceful. Starting to grieve for her memories. She talks a lot about the town she grew up in and thinks I should know all about it. She forgets a lot about the town where I grew up, which means she will soon forget my childhood, which means she'll soon forget about me. It's difficult (I am Captain Obvious). She was married to my dad for 38 years before he died in 2000, but she thinks she was only with him a few years. She has introduced me as her sister. She has called me by my fathers name several times. She did not recognize someone she has known for about 30 years recently. She often thinks she and I have the same dad and gets confused when I ask her if she is talking about my dad or her dad. She didn't recognize my sister and I in an old picture. Before these meds, she used to hallucinate often and vividly...examples of having sleep overs with children, would be frantic that she couldn't find the baby, hearing music, seeing blood in her bed and piles of blankets, dirt all over her walls and interact with all these scenarios...cleaning what isn't there, looking for babies, etc.
> One day she had on 3 pair of undies. She thinks she still has her period sometimes. She has said she shouldn't have been allowed to adopt any babies because she didn't know how to look after them. She said she would've been happy with one child. I'm her second child. She has said she's been screwed out of inheritances, but hasn't been. She is subtle with insults, reminding me often how fat I am. The stories could go on and on, all the random weird things.
> This is a pretty exhausting roller coaster. I find myself wondering how long each stage is going to last. She had a pacemaker put in a couple years ago. And now I realize that is basically keeping her alive longer to suffer with this disease. It's a shame.

What do you mean?

It's amazing that we find it in our hearts to take on the role of caretaker. I moved my mom in 13 months ago. She is a full-time unpaid job. Sorta recognizes people but doesn't know anyone's name but mine. She follows me like my shadow and calls my name 1000 times a day. This lady is into everything not nailed down. Repetitiveness is overwhelming but tolerable compared to the incontinence. The adult pull ups don't work well enough so I'm changing her 6-8 times a day including at least 1-2 showers daily. I get screamed at for insisting she stay clean. My husband and boys will chat with her but the rest is on me. It would be easy to put her in a facility but there is no way staff has time or patience to take care of her like I do. (I have quit my job and not sure how much patience I have left). I have friends who paid $9000 a month out of pocket for care and every time they visited, their mom was soaked in urine, sitting at a table with cold food in front of her. I'd flip out if I saw that. Anyways, we do what we have to do. Like in your original post, I know no one has a crystal ball and all cases are different but is there a guide line on how long each stage lasts? My mom initially started showing symptoms in 2017. Thanks for listening and hang in there!

Thank you very much. She has been diagnosed with Alz and she was staged at late 6 several months ago. She's kinda in limbo so I guess that's good. I will check out your link.

I think loss of a sense of time is very common, including how old they are. My partner is about to turn 83, and this shocks her every time we talk about it. But she also has no concept that we have been together for 30 years, or any of our prior history together, our home, and most details about either of our families of origin (including my two kids by a previous marriage, whom she has known since their early childhood).

There's no easy way to lose a spouse, period. Especially when it has been a very happy marriage. I can't imagine lung cancer was any picnic either. Probably good that we don't have foresight. Courage to take what comes.

Welcome to this place but sorry for your need. I wonder if the help you brought in, to start, could be from people she’s not familiar with. For me, I’d rather a professional come into my home to help me clean for instance. I don’t know if I’d want my peers getting into the down and dirty for me. Maybe she wants to keep their situation private from parishioners? Some have brought someone in saying they need hours for their class or they need some extra work for money etc…even if they’re from a service. She might not need to know that. If she thinks she ‘s helping another maybe that might nudge her a little. Of course, finances drive that train. Could your dad go to an adult day care a couple/few times a week to give her a minute to herself? I imagine you and your siblings can relieve her at times? Still the heavy lifting, I understand she needs help.

I was actually awake when the email came over that you responded to my post. 🥱 I’m sorry that you and yours are having to go down this path. Keep coming back here to vent, comment, question and share anything. The people here are wise and supportive, a lifeline for me.