So sad the time has come

N00dles · January 23

Hi. I have posted on here a few times.

My heart is breaking; it is time we are going to be placing my Dad (w/ALZ), into MC.

He is in the hospital (several states away, in my hometown/State, from where I live) with pneumonia. He is recovering and feeling better, but still confused, today.

My mom, just had surgery a little over a week ago, and is unable to safely care for him at home anymore.

I made a promise to her a few years ago, that I would help her keep him at home as long as possible. Until a year ago, when I got a job with limited vacation and no summer break like when I was teaching, I was spending a quarter-to-up-to-a-third-of-a-year there. I know we did our best by him, but it doesn't help my pain. My mom has been a wonderful advocate and caregiver.

My mom, my siblings, spouses, my husband, and myself were on a conference call last evening when my mom shared about him not coming home after hospitalization. We all agreed it is time, and that we are needing to take care of her as well.

I am going to try and get out there soon.

M1 · January 23

Hope he adjusts easily and that your mom can recuperate too....

JeriLynn66 · January 23

Prayers for you and your family.

SusanB-dil · January 23

Hi N00dles - Do understand that you kept your promise that you kept him home as long as possible. Now it is time for that extra help that sounds very needed. It sounds like you feel like an abandonment. It is not! He will be getting that extra care that can no longer be provided at home. Agree that I hope he adjusts well.

N00dles · January 24

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/195613#Comment_195613

Thank you.

N00dles · January 24

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/195625#Comment_195625

Prayers certainly appreciated.

N00dles · January 24

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/195641#Comment_195641

Thank you, Susan. I do realize that; it is just really hard to come to terms with your own parent going into MC. I know we have done everything we could.

Update: He was transferred to MC this morning. I heard he did well on the ride over. I too hope he adjusts well.

harshedbuzz · January 24

@noodles @N00dles

Your honored your promise and then some. Your mom, with your help, gave dad 2 extra years in his own home and you can both be proud of that.

The other piece to this is that it may be that your mom has reached a point where she's seeking "permission" for transferring his daily hands-on care to a MCF. Women of a certain generation often feel an expectation that they must be the providers of 24/7 care even when a MCF is more appropriate or can do a better job with well trained and rested staff. Mom worried about what people would think.

I had a CTJ with her because she wasn't able to take care of her 82-yesr-old self. It was worse than I thought, and we both paid dearly for her self-neglect in stage 8.

Dad got much better care once he was placed-- in part because he cooperated with his carers. Plus, he got his wife back free to just love on him. A win/win in my book. I hope your dad adjusts well-- your mom, too.

HB

psg712 · January 24

Hi N00dles, I feel for you and your family. Making that move is so hard. It is a huge blessing that you, your mom, sibs and spouses are in agreement that it's time, even though it is painful.

I hope that he adjusts smoothly and that you find some comfort. You are still doing your best for him and for your mom.

catminor · January 25

@N00dles

Sending lots of empathy for the heartache of your LO placement in MC.

You are definitely doing the right thing, for both your LO and family, especially your mom.

CaliforniaGirl-1 · January 26

I just want to say that for us, after all the agony, the move to MC has been a largely positive move for my LO and us. (Although ouch $$). My LO is doing much better in the structured environment where she gets treated like an independent member of a community with her own tastes and likes and dislikes.

Not that there weren't months of "when can I get out of here?" but once she acclimated, she has some pleasure and quality of life. In a way after years of stress and worry, I feel like I have gotten the gift of having a positive relationship with my LO that isn't based on fear and worry.

I know you, your family and your mom will feel guilt, but she is still taking care of him.And that is important to keep telling her. He will still need her and your family. But the care will be in visits and advocating and making sure he has and is getting what he needs. And you and your mom will be able to get a night's sleep knowing he is safe and cared for.

It will take time for your mom to be ok with this because as someone said, many women feel like they have to be the caregivers themselves. But a big part of caregiving is recognizing when they need a different level of care than we can give ourselves and recognizing that taking care of the caregiver is necessary and not a luxury.

So sad the time has come

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