Only child, always the enemy

Cardinal Caregiver · January 24

Hi,
New here! My husband and I moved my mom in with us about 6 weeks ago because we and her physician agreed that she couldn't live independently anymore. Her dementia is not advanced but she was forgetting to eat and take meds and falling. We created a bedroom (in our dining room) and set up our living room as a sitting room so she has her own space but we all have less privacy that is idea in a house that had 4 adults before the move. Anyway, the hardest thing right now is the anger and paranoia that mom directs at me (not really anyone else in the house) although she did sent the Occupational Therapist out of our home in tears. She is either verbally aggressive and mean to me or she is crying and saying I don't care about her. She is already on medication for depression/anxiety. She also says she is lonely but drives us all off by being unkind or out of fear of saying something that triggers her.

Anyone have suggestions. I am walking on eggshells all the time!

M1 · January 24

Talk to her docs, the medications might need changing. It's typical for the primary caregiver to be the safe target, but you should not be subject to abuse in your own home. Is assisted living or memory care an option financially? Some people do better receiving support from non-family members.

M1 · January 24

Welcome to the forum by the way....

Cardinal Caregiver · January 25

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/195822#Comment_195822

I made an appointment with our PCP for myself later this week so I can have an unfiltered discussion with him. He is really the only one who has helped us and the neurologist was no help at all and now she refuses to go there or to any other docs. I am not sure how comfortable he will be getting into mood stabilizing medications. She has some funds to help with costs for an ALF but I had hoped that we could provide care as long as we were able to deal with her physical needs which are pretty minimal. We wanted to have her money available to get her really good care if she was physically debilitated. I know I can't drown myself while trying to save her but I keep hoping tomorrow will be better. Thanks for reading and responding. Appreciate you!

Emily 123 · January 25

Hello,

I've found these helpful.

Understanding the Dementia Experience:

https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/210580

Tam Cummings assessment tools/AD checklist

https://tala.org/wp-content/uploads/2019/04/Tam-Cummings-LLC-Handouts.pdf

Tam Cummings-Stages: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tansVVDM0fE

Teepa-10 early: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pqmqC-702Yg

Teepa-multiple videos: https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PL2E2lPBsUeBjA1Utglo8q6yANAijEf8cX

5 losses: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=awBm4S9NwJ0

Anosognosia https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5nw3YUDQJuY

Careblazers-5 mistakes to avoid: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rO50pVUOlbE

Stage 3: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TIkTO4d8YyI

Stage 4: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=coiZbpyvTNg

Moderate stage: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6cZTgG6kDjs

Talking to a person w/ dementia. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ilickabmjww

Talking to a parent: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oiUpztj2DkQ

Yes, the daughter caregivers seem to get it more. It's tough to navigate. It's like a "Person Least Likely to Quit" award, right?

If she's like my mom, who forgot meds, eating, etc., her short term memory is shot and she may never wake up in the morning understanding the new living situation. Memory of recent events will be non-existent, and the disease is creates blanks in her memory that prevent her from sensing how the disease is affecting her (anosognosia). What she may do is latch on to older memories she can still access and try to plug them into the memory gaps to make sense of what's going on.

Loss of memory = loss of a sense of time as well. My mom spent nine months thinking she was paying me a weekend visit. Even though she still couldn't find the silverware drawer in the kitchen at the end of the nine months, if you had a conversation with her she'd sound fine. My problem was that it led me to expect her to function at her usual level, which was stressful for her, or I'd do too much for her and make her mad. It's hard at first to get a handle on where our loved ones are in their disease, and moves to a new environment or into a new routine are hard for them since familiarity helps the PWD navigate through their day.

So while your mom may be lashing out, it could be due to confusion and anxiety from her memory loss layered on top of her depression/anxiety. It's great that you're following up with her provider to see if any med adjustments might help as well. I agree that with M1 that you might want to look at other living options if possible, especially if meds don't smooth things out, or see if there's a local adult daycare she could go to to get her out of the house for a bit. Maybe an aide a couple of times a week?

You may be tempted to try to 'orient' her to the here and now, or explain to her about her dementia, but since she has no working memory all that may do is distress her. And since that leads to her lashing out, you want to kind of let her exist in her own bubble so she stays calmer. It's very hard to do at first.

A lot of times what works best is to go along with whatever they can believe, or make up a fiblet--perhaps you tell her she's with you because her home had a sewer pipe break--which will make more sense (and be more soothing) to her than that she's got dementia.

BassetHoundAnn · January 26

Hi, Cardinal Caregiver. Welcome to the forum. I'm an only child too. My mom's lashing out at me has been the toughest part of caring for her. As an only child so much of your focus in life is on keeping your parents happy and solving their problems. There's no one else who can do it. Then suddenly, when dementia hits, they take out all their anger and frustration on you. It's emotionally gut-wrenching. You're trying so hard to help them, to do the right thing, to make their life safe and better. You're knocking yourself out. But you just can't win. They blame you for everything, for all their anxiety, for all their problems. They take it all out on you.

My mom lived with us at several points. I couldn't take it emotionally. I found myself hiding in the bedroom, trying to escape her whirlwinds. She was a sweetheart with everyone else. But with me, whenever we were alone, she was a volcano of anger and recrimination.

It took me many months of begging her primary care physician and a geriatric clinic where I took her to prescribe anxiety medication. And even that didn't do the trick completely. She's in memory care now...because I couldn't keep her in our house...it was too hard emotionally...but she still lashes out at me when we're together alone. It's all my fault. Why are these things happening to her? Why won't I let her go home?

I keep asking hospice nurses and the MC nurses to up her anti-anxiety medication, and they do, but still the anger comes when I'm alone with her.

Yeah, it's tough. Really tough. I've spent many hours crying, and I bet you have too. I don't have any solutions. I just wanted to say that I know what you're going through. I know how hard it is. Hugs to you.

jvm11 · January 26

Hi ,

I am new here as well and struggling with the exact same situation as you are . I felt like you were me when I read your post . However, my mother is home and refuses to go to assisted living . I am the target of her agitation daily . She has gotten so bad that she now accuses me or my sister of taking things when in fact she has misplaced or lost them .

It’s very upsetting and frustrating. We never know what the day will bring . Also her sleep pattern is horrible . Up all night and sleeping all day .

Unfortunately, her neurologist does not what to put her on anti anxiety meditation or any medication to aid with sleep due to her age and side effects .

I am beside myself so I understand how you feel . I’m constantly on edge and it is soo very draining between the worry the sadness and just everything .

It’s heartbreaking and I find myself often in tears. I know this is part of the process but it sure is hard.

M1 · January 26

Jvm, if the neurologist won't help you, ask for a referral to a geriatric psychiatrist. Sounds like you're getting an unnecessary runaround.

Only child, always the enemy

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