Asking for support

Hello Adresch, welcome to the forums/boards. This Caring at a distance forum does not get much traffic, so you are welcome to post as well on any of the other boards. Also, driving tends to be a hot button issue so please do not take anything personally.

Caring for a person with dementia (PWD) is mentally exhausting even with the best of relationships, whether near or at a distance and the learning curve is steep and ever changing. Caring for yourself is an absolute necessity on this journey, and a good way to do that is to develop a support team. This board can be part of that. Some general recommendations for caregivers are the Alzheimers assoc 24 hour helpline and the free online article called "Understanding the dementia experience" by Jennifer Ghent Fuller on smashwords.com. You have done really well to already have your legal documents.

You brought up the issues of finances, driving and your responsibilities, and distance caregiving. Do you have any relatives or friends in the area? Do you have a good relationship with the neighbors? How about your communication with her doctors? The more eyes on information you have the better decisions you can make, and you need someone there for any interventions. At this point you cannot trust she has the mental ability to follow thru on any verbal promises she might make, or that she has the capability to tell you accurately how she is doing. Other options are a geriatric care manager or adult protective services (although what they can do varies a lot). An actual physical visit every six months or so of 2-3 days to see what is actually going on is best, if at all possible.

If she is actually driving this is a major problem. There is a post on the spouse board today about a man with early onset who had a car accident and is now facing criminal charges. Your mom no longer has a drivers license and even if she has insurance right now it is unlikely to cover her with no license and a diagnosis of dementia. She is wide open to a lawsuit that could take everything she has. And, depending on state laws, you, as POA, who knows she has no license and that the neighbors have told you she is unsafe to drive, might also be held liable and could possibly be sued.

Usually various fibs are employed to stop a PWD from driving. The car is disabled, or disabled and moved, to be forever waiting on a part. The keys are temporarily lost, waiting on new ones. There has been a recall, we cannot drive it until we get a mechanic appt to fix it. Another one is that a relative temporarily needs a car to get to work, or that a young relative would like to buy it, with a lot of thank yous and it means so much etc. Some people will accept a doctors order not to drive (for a physical reason like eyesight or reflexes) if family keeps repeating that someone could sue and take everything they have. Usually, but not always, out of sight is out of mind. You would have to arrange some form of transportation on a regular basis. Also, states differ in what they will allow a POA to do in regard to removing a car.

It is really good that you have your DPOA etc., However, until she is declared mentally incompetent, she can change these, and then you might have to go for guardianship. I really recommend consulting a certified elder law attorney (CELA) (find at nelf.org) who practices in your mom's state. Ask them what you can and cannot do in regard to the car, finances, and placement, what your responsibilities are, and for what you might be liable. They will do appt on zoom, etc. and while they can be pricey one with a broad knowledge base can be worth it.

You are doing your best in a hard situation. I applaud your efforts.

The reaction from your mothers' lawyer is normal and to be expected, that is called client confidentiality, and he would not take you on as a client because that would be conflict of interest. I hope a lawyer calls you back soon. Some lawyers might not be interested since you already have all your legal documents (I am being cynical here). It might help to mention that besides information on your current documents you need to know about the guardianship process. Also, do not limit yourself to lawyers in her immediate area since the appt will be remote anyway.

Does the insurance company have a copy of your POA? If not find out who to send it to and send it certified mail. Don't assume your mom is covered just because they did not cancel the policy. The devil is in the fine print, also unless they have a copy of that POA they are obligated only to listen to your mom. Ask the lawyer whether it is a good idea to cancel the policy.

You might want to freeze your moms credit just in case, and look into how to block someone trying to change the deed to your moms' home. As you have seen from your moms bank account, she can do things on her own. Have you thoroughly looked at the trust, the type of trust it is, are you currently the trustee, are all the assets that need to be titled to the trust? These are all things to think about when talking to the lawyer.

If you have questions on specific issues please do not hesitate to ask on one of the other forums.