Frustration and denial
I feel as if my floor has been taken from my feet when I realize and know what is coming. I know it well because I’m a nurse and have cared for dementia patients for a long time. You would say well.. she knows how to deal with this, but no, it’s a total different ball game.
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I know how you feel. My husband was diagnosed about 2 years ago with early stage of Alzheimer’s.
He dies t talk much. He looks out the window much if the time I’m driving & I ask what are u looking at. He says, nothing. I ask where would you like to go eat & he says I don’t know. I have no appetite so I can tell u where to go.
It’s very frustrating!
My sister also was diagnosed with it about 5 years ago & she is further along. Her companion says she needs a break. She might go live with me, but I’m hesitant because she is telling me things that aren’t really happening.
I need help!5 -
Jo: your husband likely has anosognosia, which is the inability to recognize one’s deficits, and is due to brain damage from the pathological process responsible for the dementia. You likely have cared for a stroke patient with damage to the right hemisphere (usually) who subsequently neglects their left side - this, too, is a form of anosognosia.
no amount of convincing or presenting ‘evidence’ can persuade the person with anosognosia that they have impairment- they think they are fine and will strenuously object to these efforts; typically they refuse any kind of help.
If you go to dailycaring.com and put anosognosia in the search function, you’ll learn ways to deal with this exasperating problem.
ps. I’m a nurse also, and did not know about anosognosia when I started the journey with my husband; I did know about left neglect.
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Hi!
I know the frustration. My husband was diagnosed with early onset Alzheimer's in January 2020. He started this phase in 2022. He now has started with Sundowning Syndrome. You may want to look this up now. It is a worse nightmare. I found out he had this last month. You need to have a very good schedule in place plus a very good night time routine. My biggest issues at time is he isn't sleeping, he becomes angry easily, he attacked me physically twice last night, he talks alot, he can't sit still for very long. He is going to a facility today which specializes in geriatric dementia and Alzheimer's.
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Welcome to all three of you new folks. joe, there is so much sadness in the realization that you are losing your partner and can no longer relate in the ways you used to. This forum can help give you a new outlet for thoughts and emotions that you might have shared with your spouse in the past but can no longer do so.
Mhaley, your husband sounds like he has a lot of apathy and loss of executive function. I'm sure you are learning that you can't ask open-ended questions like you used to.
Bubblegummom, you should talk to his doctor about medications that will help with sundowning and aggression, there is definitely help to be had.
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I am new to this site as of 3 hours ago. Me 62/ spouse 56. My wife was just diagnosed with early onset here in Quito Ecuador 2 days ago but I started to suspect something like this was in the mix the past few months as I started to see her very slowly slip away. In the past 3 months we have hugged and both cried as my wife said I don't know what is happening to me. Now we have to cut the beach retirement dream short & move back to USA. I have her back. I have her heart and will follow her to the end no matter what the cost to me personally. I owe her that. The kindest sweetest person I have ever met in my life. Me, the opposite. La Piedra, the rock. God never gives us more than we can handle but oh man the pain I am feeling. I am going to live each moment I have left with her in this life to the fullest. I am glad this site exists as I see I am not special, unique or alone.
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Going through basically same situation as as you I’ve learned lots from this group and it’s anosognosia not denial with spouse. My wife knows she’s off but says everyone is at our age 76,
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We are dealing with MCI. We are both still working. DH says this has not impacted his work but I don’t know how it isn’t. Most days I notice issues a lot and other good days I think maybe he isn’t as bad as I think he is. Some days I will talk to him about someone we know and stuff they did. His confusion about who I am talking about sometimes makes me wish I didn’t say anything because it’s more work explaining who people are than the story I was telling him.
this disease sucks and we are just beginning
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My DH was diagnosed with MCI 4 yrs. ago, and again 2 yrs. ago. First symptom I noticed was about 7 years ago. I have seen a big acceleration of his ST memory loss, and cognitive decline as well. I am having trouble communicating with him when he is 100% sure he is correct. I believe he definitely has anosognosia. He is a retired dentist. He admits to ST term memory loss but nothing else. The latest today is that he wanted to bring the leaf blower into the house to "dust" our Christmas tree before taking it outside. He has severe allergies and his old self would be horrified by this. Before that, he wanted to put our pool net into his vise to "straighten" it because he was sure I had bent it. He would have broken it. When I object and try every way I know how to explain it to him, he just gets angry with me. A lot of things I let fly (like him going to Lowe's today to buy leather gloves to replace the ones I, not him, lost.) but some I cannot. I could sure use some tips on how to handle this.
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Everyone will tell you you can't have a rational conversation with someone who's irrational. One of the hardest things is to let go of being right. (Sometimes I succeed. :-) As long as the PWD is not doing something that is a health or safety risk, you try to go along.
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1074 jash,
Hello, Is your husband still driving?
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Yes he is. So far, that is going okay. Mainly to the golf course and local stores.
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I'm sure others will jump in with more detail, but the basic message is, your DH should not be driving. If his judgment is impaired enough that he tries using the leaf blower in the house, his judgment is not good enough for him to drive, and that makes him a danger to others. You have to consider that he may hurt himself or someone else, and there could be significant legal and financial consequences if he did. Preventing a PWD from driving can be one of the hardest things to deal with.
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Welcome to the group and I'm so sorry you had to find us.
Oh, this is the hardest part of this journey for me so far. How do I deal when, sometimes, I'm amazed by what I can take in and move along with an easy stride. Sometimes, I'm embarrassed by how much I've shown my DW my frustration. Sometimes I cry so hard the tears push the contacts out of my eyes. Sometimes I still have moments of real connection with my DW and it's amazing.
I've got a therapist finally, who has helped me a lot. I'm not sure what I'd do without this group, because it's another outlet with folks who know, really know, what this is all like. I've also had a lot of conversations with myself about how my DW can't do what she once could and I have to accept it. I remind myself of the privilege I have, to help the love of my life transition through all of this with all the love and care that I can give. But, the hardest part is that here she is in front of me, looking like she always has, appearing as if she may occasionally be with it, but I'm internally grieving the loss of her. The two images are so incongruent for me still, it's left me a bit in denial that she is really leaving me. It can be excruciatingly painful. I don't think I get to avoid that pain, as much as I'd love to.
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ES my DH
How in world do y deal with ??0 -
How in the world do you handle repetiveness and forgetfulness in DH???0
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My husband also gets very angry when I try to explain something that he is struggling with. Then, I really let what I read many times sink into my “I want to be right” brain - (You cannot reason with him. It’s not his fault that he has no ability to listen to reason anymore.)
Distraction has become my friend and ends many situations about to escalate. And it only took me 9 years to finally get decent at distracting him (and it works most of the time).
I know the anxiety and stress these episodes bring. I’m sorry we have to endure them, but read about solutions and give them a try. 🙏🏻
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I really feel for you! Right now my husband is going through a phase of talking too much and not recognizing social cues that people are trying to escape from him. I have had to rescue a few. However, I know the time will come when he will stop talking and that will be heartbreaking.
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I'm trying so hard to stop pointing out repetitiveness and forgetfulness to my DH. It only upsets him and I am gaining nothing by it. I need to adopt the theme song "Let it Go!"
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Help me with distractions . I get so overwhelmed when he repeats things that I already know married 56 years!) he talks like we do not know each other and he explains everything in detail like I was not there! My brain almost wxplodes
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I can’t call his attention but spend hours just listening and that sucks all of my energy
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Oh my gosh, I get it! The distractions I use that work so far are asking him to help me with a small chore such as changing a lightbulb, folding laundry, and yes, I save things like that for him to do. I recently found a box of his old record albums in a closet, so I borrowed my SIL's record player, and I'll ask him to try out some music. He loves music, so this one is easy. He just doesn't think of it himself. 2 nights ago, I got him to clean out his 2 sock drawers and that took him 2 hours. We're donating them to a men's shelter. Does this help?
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I once read … “if they can’t come to your world anymore, you go to theirs.” So, I try to act like it’s the first time I’ve heard it, and I engage in his conversation. I really look at him, and I have so much empathy for what he is going through. If I sit there talking to myself about how aggravating it is to me, I really don’t see him. But, if I stop and look in his eyes, and listen, and comment when appropriate, we have some nice times. Tiring …. Yes. But that’s ok.
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Sometimes I take short videos (a couple 20 second videos) of him repeating everything (he doesn’t even notice that I am recording it) and then I look at the video every once in awhile. It is heartbreaking to see, but it also helps me understand how hard this disease is on him.
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I do the same thing especially when he is ranting and raging! just drains me!! Too much sometimes!
wondered if others dealt with this.
was thinking about getting therapy for myself!
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Just today DH told a story that he had written a check to a friend for $40 and friends wife changed to $400! I verified with friend and friend said no check was ever written. I recorded that conversation as he told it. He fabricated this story! I have noticed other instances but this worries me!
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This does work and I must be rested and be available. We can talk for hours!! And I get no work done! He wants me in bed to cuddle at night and I have lost my work schedule! I used to work all night crafting and sewing!
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Me too. When I am tired and overwhelmed I almost explode especially when conversation is negative!
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I used to correct DH when what he said was obviously wrong, but that just made him angry. Now, I've finally trained myself to say, "you could be right," I hadn't thought of that," or I don't remember." Conversing is easier when I don't correct.
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Bubalee, the making up of stories like the one your DH told about the check is called confabulation, and it is very common as the disease progresses. Again, it is generally not recommended to correct or deny, but just go with it with nonspecific responses. My partner is now entering stage 6 and very little that she says has any basis in reality now.
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Wow! I know of another instance but this one got me!
what can I do?
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Commonly Used Abbreviations
DH = Dear Husband
DW= Dear Wife, Darling Wife
LO = Loved One
ES = Early Stage
EO = Early Onset
FTD = Frontotemporal Dementia
VD = Vascular Dementia
MC = Memory Care
AL = Assisted Living
POA = Power of Attorney
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