Suggestions on how to handle constant complaining
My 91 yo MIL was diagnosed with mixed dementia at the middle stage a year ago. She’s steadily worsened over the last year. According to the Tam Cummings chart, she’s 50/50 early/late stage 5.
She’s never had a particularly sunny disposition, but the complaints are now near constant. She’s very social so craves conversation but none of her remaining friends are picking up the phone anymore and even my long- suffering sister in law’s calls are getting shorter.
Not engaging when she got on her tirades used to work, but now every conversation is focused on some grievance from years/decades ago. Today, I asked if I could help her with the TV remote and got stuck listening to 20 minutes of theft accusations against my sister in law.
Is there anything I can do?
Comments
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I struggle with this kind of stuff too. If they were pleasant old folks just saying silly things, that would be easier right. It's the constant nastiness or total nonsense all day every day that gets to me. I don't have advice and will keep an eye to see what other may suggest, but take care and good luck in the meantime.
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Wow - this sounds like my 85-year old father - except that my brother and I made a decision to place him in long term care after he had a mishap in the woods. He has always been a negative person, but now goes off on negative tangents and had even accused me of taking his things. He's been unstable since my mother past a couple of years ago, and we are glad that he is getting the care that he needs. If you can find care for your MIL, that might be a good and safe option for her.
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Thank you. It helps to hear from others who
are trying to cope too.
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Hi there. I am frequently the target of my mother’s complaints. Seems that I’m her target. She’s in AL and I’m constantly hearing “There’s nothing to do here, They’re mean to me, I want to go home , I don’t need to be here.” etc etc etc. I used to think it was the negativity and guilt trips that have always been part of her personality.
But now I know that she doesn’t remember anything about her days at the AL facility. I even had the staff take photos of her participation, but soon, she didn’t remember doing anything. The best thing I can do for myself is block her calls in the evening & morning. It’s an iPhone focus I’ve programmed. It doesn’t do any good for me to try to get her to stop complaining because she’ll forget we spoke minutes after we do.
It is a terrible disease, and I’m finally realizing how to protect myself better.
Thanks for your post.
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Thank you nazai and hihosteveareno. My spouse says she’s always been a complainer but it seems like paranoia is a part of the dementia progression. I’m sure we have a combination of many things.
Thank you for listening.
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I feel for you. Unfortunately it is part of the disease. The filters go. And it is a lot to ask of friends and relations who don't really understand about this disease. I can only tell you what someone told me. It's not her, it's the disease , don't argue and don't try and mitigate and tell yourself that the disease will evolve and she will move into a different phase.
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My LO's physician says paranoia is not unusual and they can medicate to help if it is too bad.
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Thank you CaliforniaGirl. It’s hard to be around her and I’m not even the primary target.
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Medication can help with delusions. Search for Seroquel in the search bar above, and you’ll find a lot of information.
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My 83 yo mother is same. When she’s on a tirade and being nasty I calmly tell her I will not listen to the nastiness and that when she’s ready I’ll help her with whatever it is. I then walk away. She may continue to crumble, stomp, slam things but I’m in a better state. Other times when she’s being somewhat less nasty I try to figure what’s she’s trying to figure out as it almost always something she is looking for and can’t find. Just a note , I do these only after I know she’s not physically uncomfortable.4
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Oh, can I relate to this! My dad is in AL and I am his prime target. He is so ugly and nasty that it's hard to forgive him. He tells me I am an unfit mother and he is going to try to get my kids taken away because I have abandoned him in AL and taken all his money. I've blocked him and haven't spoken to him in two weeks. How do you forgive and forget? I'm not there yet and I am afraid I won't be able to get there.
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Wow did I need this thread tonight! My mom is 80, has been in AL for almost 3 weeks after an incident of going out in 10 degree weather with short sleeves on and then refusing to get dressed from the waist down in front of her son and brother for hours. She had already asked me to take over all finances and suggested we get POA months ago. She has never had a shining personality and now I seem to be her target. “She’s not as bad off as we make her out to be”, “We put her there against her will (after it was the Dr recommendation and now she says she might fire her Dr”, etc, etc, etc. It is very difficult to separate what is the disease and what is her existing negative, hateful attitude. I was in tears tonight. I don’t have answers but know you are not alone. I am trying to take care of myself…upped my Prozac, starting therapy, planning to attend a support group and taking long walks in the sunshine.
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Commonly Used Abbreviations
DH = Dear Husband
DW= Dear Wife, Darling Wife
LO = Loved One
ES = Early Stage
EO = Early Onset
FTD = Frontotemporal Dementia
VD = Vascular Dementia
MC = Memory Care
AL = Assisted Living
POA = Power of Attorney
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