Your loved one needs you
You have dinner to make. You have to straighten up the house. You have to pay bills. And so many other things. But your loved one just fell, and it will be about 1/2 hour before an ambulance gets here to help. I have a feeling you would stay with your loved one until the ambulance gets here. No matter what else you had to do. You will make the time. Now we're getting to the point of this thread.
As a caregiver, you need at least a little time each day for yourself so you can continue to care for your loved one. Will you commit to doing that now? Once you tell me that you will, you will feel obligated to doing it because you'll agree to tell all of us what you did for yourself each day, even if it's only for 15 minutes a day. It's a start. Then maybe you can move up to 1/2 hour or more. The point is that you have to start somewhere, and work up from there. So tell me you're willing to tell us tomorrow what you did for yourself today. Then we'll do it again the next day and the next day.
I'm no longer a caregiver, so I have more time than you. But yesterday I watched "The Blues Brothers" for the umpteenth time, even though I rarely watch a movie anymore. They must have had a ball making that movie. And there's some pretty good music in there that your loved one might enjoy.
So answer the challenge. Will you find a way to make some time for yourself today? And more importantly, will you agree to tell us what you're doing for yourself? I need a "yes" or "no". You need a "yes". What do you say?
Comments
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@Ed1937 Thank you for this! I think this is going to be a wonderful thread to help remind us to pause and put ourselves first just for a moment. And also your idea for checking in is genius too. Both encouragement to follow through, but also I really look forward to the ideas people will share, that I might try too.
OK, so my apologies in advance for not playing by the rules =|. I can't say Y or N but will definitely commit to a modified version which is all I can manage right now. Overpromising (and failing) will make me feel worse. My situation is extra tough at the moment, but I know that means self-care is even more elusive (therefore needed!). I hope my sharing does not discourage others since we all have it tough! But I want to explain - we are experiencing some volatile moments here on in-home hospice, sliding into early Stage 7 and seemingly slipping fast, so I'd be lying or delusional to say Yes I will play, and I will also share faithfully every day. Not likely though I'd really, really like to.
Unfortunately any "quiet" time I get right now is devoted to court prep to defend against the worst in-laws and (middle aged) stepchildren ever who are still trying to take DH from me via a predatory guardianship filing, despite POAs and state law deeming spouses as automatic surrogate guardian for the person (deciding where they live, with whom, medical decisions, etc.) So far the judge doesn't care about those minor details. So my self-care these days includes standing up for myself and DH by preparing for these endless court battles. Way more than 15 minutes a day, and losing sleep (as if I wasn't already overloaded and sleep deprived...there oughta be a law honestly). Obviously can't share here those updates on what I learn and planned actions, though it empowers me and relieves the extra stress, grief, and fear a little... so it is weird but that is my primary self-care outlet right now. No choice. But that kind of report-back would not only be unwise to share publicly, the posts wouldn't be uplifting to others as I believe this thread will be.
So, thank you and the others who will come along soon, for letting me explain my situation and modified plan:
Ed, your challenge sent me on a quick Google search for some of the self-care lists I've seen, and I can definitely do the one below. But I will plan to break it up into three, 5-minute "ME" breaks daily from now on, and will JUST BREATHE! It is hard for me to meditate even for 10 minutes but I want to get back to that once DH stabilizes. For now, YES, I'll set a recurring alarm on my phone for 3 separate times daily, and then set a 5 minute timer for me to focus on my breathing and nothing else. Please accept this as my "check-in" in advance, on the honor system until things get a bit more stable here.
(I am posting the activity separately since this is so long!)
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Yes. I enjoy cooking. So I made a pound cake today!
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My new Self-Care commitment:
Practice simple breath awareness for
105 minutes, 3 times a day (Total 15 minutes, per Mayor Ed).One of the simplest deep relaxation techniques is breath awareness. Here is one you can try:
- (my modification: Use technology to keep up with the schedule! Set phone alarm for 3 separate times. When it alarms, set timer for 5 minutes and do the following until it alerts you that time's up!)
- Find a comfortable seated position on a chair or cushion.
- Close your eyes and begin to notice your breath.
- It is common to have distracting thoughts come and go, but just let them pass, and gently bring your attention back to your breath.
- Breathe in slowly through your nose for five counts, hold and pause for five counts,* and exhale for five counts.
- Continue for
105 minutes. You may substitute phrases for the counts such as:
I breathe in calm and relaxing energy.
I pause to let the quiet energy relax my body.
I breathe out and release any anxious or tense energy.
Source: https://www.health.harvard.edu/blog/self-care-for-the-caregiver-2018101715003
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@ButterflyWings Thank you! You have been dealing with these people forever!! Will it never end?
Let's say you got two five minutes breaks in, but couldn't get the other in. That's OK. Do what you can. It's a start.
@Carma L I'm not sure if you saw the part that said if you make a pound cake, you have to share with the original poster. 😉 Thanks for taking part, and welcome to the forum!
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Yes, I own a horse that resides at my friends home a few minutes drive from mine. My daily regime is spending at least one hour at the barn every single day. My horse is my safe place where I can unwind, relax and dream.
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My DH is in MC in a town 25 miles from my home. I found a YMCA near his care home that has a warm 90 degree therapeutic swimming pool. I have started going for a swim for an hour several times a week to just untie a few knots.
I also enjoy my horses, ponies, goats, cats, dogs and Llamas.
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My DH is in AL on hospice, but due to his medical status I am currently visiting 7 days a week to make sure he is receiving the care he requires. I spend 4-5 hours there plus a 1-1/4 hour round trip in usually heavy traffic (stressful!). Five days a week I walk a mile, outdoors in good weather or on my treadmill. The other two days I volunteer 2 hrs/day for a charity where I am on my feet doing light to moderate physical activity. I also spend the early morning hours praying, especially when I can't sleep. I attend a once a month caregiver support group sponsored by hospice.
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I love this idea. My DH is in stage 5 at this point but still requires a lot of attention. I’ve been getting up at 4:00 to spend quiet time sipping coffee and reading my daily bible. Worked great for a while but now he’s getting up when I do so he’s ready for bed by 8:00 or 9:00 and lately do am I. He absolutely will not go to bed without me so eventually I just give in and go get in the bed. I just cherish the mornings I sneak downstairs and he stays in bed.
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Yoga with Adriene has been amazing for me. I have it set up so I just go downstairs, turn on the computer, and there she is for about 20 minutes. If I get interrupted, I can pause and go back to it. Highly recommend her!
As far as accountability, I didn't do yoga today but spent the morning with the horses, and my partner stayed home so it was truly a break for me.
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Ed1937,
Thanks for this excellent prompt! My granddaughter (2 years old) lives a 10-minute walk away, and 4 days a week, I take care of her (the opposite, really) for 3 hours. She’s my lifeboat. I am a lucky guy!
Tyrone
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I’m doing small paintings (6x6) of birds or flowers.Because I use acrylics, I can stop if need be and jump back in later. If I don’t like what I have done, I’ll paint over the errors. Using small canvas, the painting is completely done in a short period of time bringing much personal satisfaction. I think they will make great gifts or use in place of greeting cards.
My doctor recommended doing this instead of eating when stressed because of the weight I have put on. This was part of my annual physical. She wanted to know what I enjoy doing and I love painting but usually do large landscapes.
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Yes!
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Cedar Waxwing! One of my favorite birds. Looks like he was dressed by Erte.
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Hi Ed, Thank you for your post. You are amazing that you still hang with us when you no longer have a need. I am very grateful for your experience and wisdom. Thank you for caring for us.
Yes I will give it a whirl. I currently cherish my prayer time with coffee before my DH wakes up. I exercise, read and try to catch a short nap with my little dog in the afternoon. These really help. I could not handle this without these moments of respite.
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I start every day with 45-60 minutes of prayer and faith focused reading. Many times I get distracted thinking of work or just looking out the window but I can't imagine starting my day any other way. It sets the tone for the day and makes me a better husband and caregiver.
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I think Ed (and others) here having suffered Alzheimer’s ultimate loss while being in wedlock still need this community’s support. He is living susceptibly to the trauma of Alzheimer’s experience to his “better half”, so to speak. There is no escaping those realities, and he’s brilliant and caring to suggest we plan for ourselves ways in which we can take care of ourselves and rise above the ordeal for awhile. I’m so glad we are here for him, and he for us.
i have purchased a used bike to ride on nearby biking paths, swim twice a week, read widely to participate in local and virtual book discussions, and enjoy a glass of red wine 🍷 every so often.
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I try to spend a minute when I wake up and a minute before I go to sleep looking actively for things to feel grateful for. Some days it takes a lot of searching. I also start my day with some exercise 5 days a week before DH gets up (well, usually). I also belong to two different choruses, one is more popular music while the other tends more toward serious works. I find while singing is one of the few times my mind is completely in the moment. There is so much to focus on at once: the notes on the page, the accompaniment, the conductor and the other voices. It truly takes me to a different place. I'm lucky to have my DS to be with DH so I can go to rehearsals. The pause that refreshes, they used to say!
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Ed1937,
thanks for the push. I have joined a gym and get there twice a week, with the drive, I get an hour, 2 times a week. I try to get DH to walk with me, but many days he will not. If he does not go, I get a short walk with the dog. If all else fails, I will sit at my desk after I am done working and just read, or breathe. At least 15 minutes a day, but some days, an hour!
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Love this! My therapist gave me an app called Mindfulness that works similarly.
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Commonly Used Abbreviations
DH = Dear Husband
DW= Dear Wife, Darling Wife
LO = Loved One
ES = Early Stage
EO = Early Onset
FTD = Frontotemporal Dementia
VD = Vascular Dementia
MC = Memory Care
AL = Assisted Living
POA = Power of Attorney
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