SEPARATED for years from spouse - now has EO ALZ Dementia at 64

welcome to the forum. There have been a few posters who have taken care of exes. When you say that "the financial stuff is in order," who holds her power of attorney? Is there a reason that the adult daughter cannot or should not? If she has not designated someone to hold her poa for both finances and healthcare, that needs to be done through a certified elder law attorney asap, assuming she can still sign. If she can't, someone may need to pursue guardianship, which is a more involved process. Certified attorney s caebe located at nelf.org.

Regarding her safety, that is a harder question. My partner would not have been safe at home alone at stage 4. And if it hasn't come up, she should likely not be driving.

@lookingforadvice

Hi and welcome. I am sorry for your reason to be here, but pleased you found this place.

My aunt dealt with a similar situation in that her ex developed a benign brain tumor in his frontal lobe. It was likely the early stages of the tumor that triggered the personality and behavior changes that led to their divorce.

EO dementia is always especially heart breaking, but in a situation where the most logical decision maker is a younger adult the responsibility can interfere with the steps that person should be taking to build their own adult lives. How old is the daughter and what's her life like now? Is she in school or building a career? Raising young children?

Does the daughter have the maturity to take this on? Is she willing to? Is your BF looking to spare her that burden?

HB

BF needs to see a lawyer asap and learn about the Medicaid laws in the state. If nursing home comes into the picture, funds deplete quickly. Few can pay for years of in home and/ or nursing home care without it affecting the spouse’s resources. The amount the community spouse gets to keep varies by state.

Looking-

As her husband he will be legally just as responsible for the cost of her care as her. Her pension and investments might not be enough to pay for that care - it can be 8-10,000 a month. His insurance isn’t likely to pay for that level of care. He could be required to make up the difference. Medicaid will only kick in once their combined assets are spent to below a threshold and he will only be allowed to keep a certain amount of assets.

In your shoes, I'd take a long, serious look at whether this is a relationship in which you want to be. Unless he divorces in the near future, he will be responsible for her care whether that means 24/7 caregiving with an assist from the daughter, or it means buying that care in a facility (I suspect @M1's costs are fairly average).

We discussed divorce when my mom met with a CELA. They'd always had a marriage with highs and lows. The last 15 years before dad's moderate stage diagnosis were especially rough because dad was first grieving my sister (angry and offensively) and then in the earlier stages of dementia (with a loss of reasoning skills, empathy and social filter). Plus, one of dad's dementias was related to alcohol use disorder which was something he would not address.

I think a lot of what mom didn't like about dad and the marriage were the mood and behavior changes sometimes seen in the early stages of dementia. Dementia is about so much more than memory loss. In dad I noticed a turn to apathy and a darker crueler mood as early as 2005-- a full decade before I was able to force his diagnosis. Obvious memory loss to others developed about 3 years later.

Mom had been talking to me about a divorce for a couple years but was concerned about what folks would think, about losing her house at the beach and in FL, about dad losing her excellent health coverage and about me being burdened as dad's next-of-kin. When we talked to the CELA, she explained that dad would need guardian ad litem assigned and that a mediated divorce would not be possible. She also explained that the courts would not look favorably on her as a guardian with me (or his brother) available for the role. Mom didn't want to burden me, but she equally didn't trust me to do right by a man with whom I never got along.

My mom decided to take the gamble and remain married which worked out for all of us. She had to give up the houses for other reasons but landed on her feet otherwise. Dad had lost a chunk of their investments day-trading early in the disease which made downsizing necessary at some point. Once she understood that the miserable decade she'd lived through was the result of dementia and not her "real husband", she was invested in providing his care. She felt compelled to and was happy to be recognized by others for being a good wife and honoring her vows.

On the financial considerations, I did the math, given that dad died 18 months after his initial diagnosis, the separation of assets would have had me/my nieces inherit what would have been left of his assets which would have been about $200K or more if the divorce took time and he remained in care at home. When my aunt took over as guardian for her sister with dementia, she was required to write a will for her using a state mandated formula.

HB