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Dealing with death of someone LO with Alz knew

MarLee92
MarLee92 Member Posts: 37
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in Caring for a Parent

My MIL is in the later stage, of middle stage ALZ. Her BIL recently passed, and her children plan to take her to visitation and funeral. MIL didn't like this BIL - he seemed to enjoy needling her about the smallest thing (I saw this myself). She basically hasn't had much contact with anyone in my late FIL's family for 15 years. None of them know she has ALZ that I know of. My two SIL's have decided to take her to the funeral and visitation. As MIL can't recall her grandchildren's names very often, she definitely won't know any nieces/nephews that are there. With my own mother, who suffers from memory issues due to a stroke, we recently didn't tell her about a BIL's death, because we knew it would upset her, but also knew she would be unable to attend the funeral. We knew that every time she heard it, she'd become upset again. So my question is what do any of you do in situations of bad news for your LO? Do you tell them? Do you not tell them? We did tell my mom when her sister dies but felt that was very different than a BIL.

Comments

  • DCCEPEK
    DCCEPEK Member Posts: 95
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    Do yourself a favor and don't. Devert the situation.

  • SusanB-dil
    SusanB-dil Member Posts: 1,322
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    oh, my - They are insisting on bringing her? I would not in this case.

    I know this can vary in different circumstances. I can say that we also just had a death in the family, and we did bring MIL for just a short time to visitation. She knew this aunt that passed (at 101, and had kept in touch), but pretty much nobody else, which we knew would happen. She was content in just saying good-bye and we left. However - that being said, there was another death in the family, MIL wasn't that close to them except when this person was much younger. We just let it pass by. He was only in his 40's and we knew she'd be upset. So that was a 'no'.

  • MarLee92
    MarLee92 Member Posts: 37
    Second Anniversary 10 Comments
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    https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/199201#Comment_199201

    My DH says he's not going to interfere with what his sisters want. I honestly can see my MIL go to visitation and realize who it is for and make a comment loud enough for others to hear that she didn't like him. Maybe this is one of those situations they need to experience, to know what to not do in the future.

  • SusanB-dil
    SusanB-dil Member Posts: 1,322
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    Ah, yes - learn by experience. Sometimes best teacher.

  • M1
    M1 Member Posts: 6,788
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    My only thought is that you might still be able to use covid as an excuse not to go---she's old, she's vulnerable and that's no lie and no joke. I wouldn't take her, period. Maybe she won't cooperate. But...they may all have to find out the hard way.

  • psg712
    psg712 Member Posts: 459
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    I would not do it - especially if you think that it would upset your MIL. But if your main concern is that she might make an inappropriate comment, it might not be worth the argument with your SILs.

  • Quilting brings calm
    Quilting brings calm Member Posts: 2,666
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    I think your SILs need to learn the hard way. I think I would agree with your DH-just allow it to happen- and make sure you aren’t there when it does. She will forget soon after and maybe your SILs will be jarred out of the land of denial.

  • H1235
    H1235 Member Posts: 725
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    we were in the exact same situation. Sil insisted mom go to a funeral. It was even out of state which made things worse. She was lost and confused for the whole thing. Two days after she was back she didn’t even remember going and didn’t know the person had passed. It was just frustrating to see her have to go through all that confusion when there was not point. Family can be so frustrating. At the time I was upset my husband didn’t start up to his sisters. But as I now deal with my own mom’s dementia and frustrating brother I can see that sometimes it’s best to bite your tongue and avoid the family fued. As far as sil being jarred out of denial, unfortunately it never happened for my sil. Even when hospice was called she was telling us that some people can live years in hospice. Like that is something anyone would want. Hope this helps.

Commonly Used Abbreviations


DH = Dear Husband
DW= Dear Wife, Darling Wife
LO = Loved One
ES = Early Stage
EO = Early Onset
FTD = Frontotemporal Dementia
VD = Vascular Dementia
MC = Memory Care
AL = Assisted Living
POA = Power of Attorney
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