Moving on

Jazzma · February 23

My husband of 34 years is going into memory care tomorrow. This is the last night he will spend in the house we built together. The last 3 weeks have been hell -- so while I feel a little odd about it, I'm looking forward to moving all of his stuff to the basement and claiming the house as my own. I'll get a new mattress (I never like the old one) and sheets; paint the walls; get new plants; make it MY home now. I will grieve for my husband for a long time; but the man who is going into care tomorrow is not him.

AnderK · February 23

Good luck with the transition tomorrow. Wish I had more words to say. Kathy

DTSbuddy · February 23

Thank you for posting this. Best wishes for your new chapter in life.

Jgirl57 · February 23

Best wishes for a smooth transition for you both. Redecorating sounds like a good plan for you.

M1 · February 23

Will be thinking of you, hope it goes smoothly. Let us know when you can.

JeriLynn66 · February 23

Keeping you close in prayer for the transition

charley0419 · February 23

This is so heartbreaking for me to read. I know it’s what needs to be done and hope I never have to , but sad to realize not same person. Good luck and never feel remorse for what we have to do.

Joe C. · February 23

I hope all goes smoothly with the transition to MC.

White Crane · February 23

Jazzma, I hope the transition goes well for both of you today. Please let us know how you are doing. My DH has been in MC for one month today and I am still grieving the loss of his presence. We are all different and all feel our losses in different ways. I wish you a smooth transition.

midge333 · February 23

I am sorry for your DH decline. I hope the transition is smooth.

Jazzma · February 23

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/199277#Comment_199277

White Crane, I know that I will be lost without him here. All but the last 3 weeks of our marriage were very very good. I'm just so tired now and need to sleep for a few days. Then I need to steam clean the entire house because he has peed everywhere. I

ghphotog · February 23

I hope the transition goes smoothly and that you can rest when it's done.

ThisLife · February 23

Holding you in my thoughts. Hope the transition goes well.

WIGO23 · February 23

Jazzma, I can only imagine the mix of emotions you must be having. Sending a cyber hug from a stranger who hopes for the best for you and your LO in this new reality.

Joydean · February 24

Hope everything went smoothly for you today. You mentioned sleep, someone asked me the other day what would be the first thing I would want to do if or when I have to place my dh. My answer was sleep all night, it’s been so long since I have had a good nights sleep! Take care of yourself now.

M5M · February 24

Jazzma, prayers the transition goes well. I understand the list of returning the house to normal, cleaning, painting, updating. I plan for that day often!

Jazzma · February 25

Dropping my DH off at memory care was the hardest thing I have ever done. I fell apart completely and could barely drive home. Fortunately my beloved brother came over as soon as I called and has spent the last two days here. Staff told me that my husband had a very hard first night, tearing his room apart and threatening some of the staff members. They recommend I wait two weeks before visiting to give him time to acclimatize. I can do that. Now I have time to settle and do things as simple as taking a walk that haven't been possible for too long. There is light ahead. For those of you still approaching this step -- know that it will rip your hear out and then you can begin to heal. I think.

Jgirl57 · February 25

Thank you for sharing with us. I am glad you were able to have family support for you. I hope you are able to get some rest. Hugs to you .

ghphotog · February 25

The morning I placed my wife was heartbreaking for me but I was so tired I laid around all day on the couch watching TV and napping. Was in bed by 7p and slept 12 hours. I was just too tired for anything else to matter.

Ed1937 · February 25

Jazzma, I'm sorry things didn't go a little smoother than it did. Giving him time to acclimate might be very good for him. I hope he adjusts quickly.

It sounds like you have quite an ambitious undertaking, getting things around the house to your liking. If you don't get it done as soon as you thought you would, that's fine. Once again you find yourself at "A day at a time". Having to put a LO in a facility brings with it a lot of different emotions that can modify the best laid plans. Sending wishes of strength to you.

[Deleted User] · February 25

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mrahope · February 25

I’m sorry this didn’t go as well as you hoped. But I want to thank you for sharing that you lived through it. I’m pretty much convinced my DH would be the same. I am trying to take comfort that it happens to others, too.

BPS · February 25

Nita mentioned "placement stigma" and I have felt that too but for me it was coming from within me, but I am coming to realize that the commitment of marriage and caring for your partner doesn't mean that I have to do everything. I didn't do the electrical work in our house, I hired a professional because I wanted it done safely. I am coming to realize that hiring someone that has experience by moving them to memory care is sometimes the most caring thing you can do for them, yourself, and your other family. I am still dealing with this issue in my own mind but I am starting to prepare for her to move to memory care. I think it can be a strength to except your own limitations and have professionals do what they do.

MarilynJC · February 25

> @charley0419 said:
> This is so heartbreaking for me to read. I know it’s what needs to be done and hope I never have to , but sad to realize not same person. Good luck and never feel remorse for what we have to do.

MarilynJC · February 25

You should be so proud of your self that you have taken care of him to this point. This is devotion, love and support Should help you with any sadness or guilt you may feel. These feelings will take time to go away, but you must let yourself feel them to move on. I have found great topics for this on Insight Timer. I wish you well. According to what I read, he will feel comforted in his new environment, and you might be pleasantly surprised.

Quilting brings calm · February 25

I don’t really feel any judgement here from people regarding placement. Some people don’t feel it’s right for them. Some people are at the early stage and don’t recognize how draining caregiving is for years. This forum is pretty honest and not judgemental at the same time. There’s only a couple now and then who show extreme judgement and they usually don’t like our honesty in return.. It’s the Facebook dementia groups that are extremely judgemental about placement. Again mostly from people whose loved ones aren’t difficult, agitated, wandering etc.

Jazz- take your time. Rest, regroup. It’s ok if you aren’t immediately up for all the things you thought you’d do once he was placed.

Denise1847 · February 25

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/68262/moving-on

I wish you happiness, peace and joy. God knows, you deserve.

wizmo · February 25

I don’t recall where I read it, one possible reason for placement was listed as “lifestyle change”. It seemed selfish but that also sounded appealing. Only after hearing a bunch more times from multiple sources “do what is best for you” have I been able to dig in and get prepared for placement. It’s definitely going to be a lifestyle change - less stress in so many ways, and ultimately that will be best for me.

Crushed · February 25

My wonderful warm public spirited wife went into memory care almost 7 years ago after 42 years of marriage. I still feel her presence in the house we bought in 1977 and renovated twice

Jazzma · February 26

Day 4 after placement and I am still devastated. I thought it would be such a relief. He was so agitated, active, delusional.....I slept maybe 3 hours a night and followed him around the house the rest of the time trying to keep him from hurting himself or peeing everywhere. He spoke nonsense words, and got mad when I didn't understand. I've never been so tired. But now, with him gone, I am so sad I can hardly breathe. I break down several times a day. I wonder if I did everything, if maybe they will find some way to make him able to come back home. I know that's crazy but it's what I want so much.

Moving on

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