Hoping for some input.

LaneyG · February 25

DH is doing really well since discharge from hosp. The exception has been the driving issue which at times results in some occasional major outbursts which we just struggle through. Thankfully it was I that picked up the mail when the letter from the registry came in yesterday asking him to surrender his license. My plan is to hold on to it for a few days until I get my ducks in a row. I’m terrified of what his reaction might be. His sister will be here on Tuesday for a week. It gives me some comfort knowing she is here when he gets the letter, though I don’t know if it is fair to put her in the middle of this. DH is so proud and obsessed with his independence that I don’t know how he will feel if she is aware of this. Though he does love and admire his sister. Also thinking of checking in with his doc to see if it might make sense to up his doe of a med the day he gets the letter. Any body been through anything similar? Any words of wisdom to share on this one? Any tips on strategy? Thanks so much!

charley0419 · February 25

Why take license away and upset him if he’s not driving? My wife was very upset went told no more driving. I felt keep license what’s the difference

SSHarkey · February 25

How fortunate that the blame will be on the registry, not on you. It’s another loss of efficacy for him. As the days pass, try to focus on giving him opportunities to do things he’s good at. Things that will reinforce his sense of empowerment. Loss of driving can be so emasculating. He will need his spirit pumped. Hang in there!

harshedbuzz · February 25

@LaneyG

I am so sorry you have this on your plate. The driving thing was an ongoing challenge for our family too. The very last conversation I had with dad hours before he died was me promising to bring his Taurus to the MCF next time I visited so he'd have wheels in case he needed to go somewhere. His car was literally the thing he asked for on his death bed.

Unfortunately, this is the downside to involving official channels rather than family just preventing a person from driving. That said, as @SSHarkey pointed out, this allows you to be the ally who has his back and validates his pain rather than the bad guy.

What does surrender look like in your state? Does mean mail it in or presenting it at the DMV in exchange for a state ID? If it's the former, I might slip it out of his wallet and send it off. I made a copy of Dad's and laminated it and slipped that into the plastic holder because we didn't want it to go missing after dad squirreled it away once. He never noticed. A caveat- Someone here said that it was illegal in some places to do this. I would hold onto the letter to show him only if he notices. If he has to swap it out, I might bring him under the guise of a new license and hope he doesn't notice.

That's a tough call on the timing with his sister visiting. What kind of sister is this?? The older one who doted on him? The baby sister who idolized him? Or the one he spent his childhood competing with? On one hand, it may be eye-opening for her to witness the reality of her brother's behavior currently. On the other, how would he feel about bringing in an audience to witness the humiliation of handing over this totem of his masculinity and independence?

HB

LaneyG · February 25

Spoke to his doc on the liscense thing. We went registry route cuz he kept throwing in our faces that he had a liscense and no one had a right to keep him from driving. He gets very agitated irate when I keep him from driving. I get fearful. The issue just won’t go away. His sister is a baby sister but he idolizes her.

SSHarkey · February 25

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/199586#Comment_199586

Then speak with her separately and get together on this. So when he’s told he sees a united front. Yes he will get upset. But he will slowly adjust. Sometimes love hurts. We have to do what is best, regardless of the circumstances. Adulting stinks sometimes.

BPS · February 25

I have not had to deal with that but I think I would wait until his sister was there but not in the room at the time so you can "bring the mail in" while the sister is taking a nap or a shower or anything so when he sees the letter he won't feel embarrassed in front of her but that she is close by for support if you need it. If you do it this way make sure the sister knows what you are doing.

Jeannielou · February 26

My DH was told by the MD that he should not drive any more. He is sad but compliant. I try to accommodate and take him where he wants to go ( I do not like driving) so he is not given fuel for the fire. So far it has not been a problem. He still has his license.

LaneyG · February 26

He really likes and respects his doc who recently spent another good 10-15 min with him on the issue. He said to the doc that the concerns he has don’t apply to him. He knows he is a good driver and will continue driving. And of course he already forgets the conversation. I don’t know if the registry letter will help I’m sure he will want to fight it. I think I’ll give him the letter with his sister in the house but not present. Thanks for your input.

M1 · February 26

Let us know how it goes Laney. I don't envy you, this was the issue that drove my partner to threaten violence also. I wish you didn't have to give it to him, honestly: he'll probably forget it, and then what do you do? Pull it out again and again to restart the argument?

Unfortunately because of needing our pickup truck on the farm I couldn't just disappear the vehicle she was used to driving. Wish that were an option for you--I know others have done it. I think I remember that cstrope bought a car with pushbutton start that her husband wouldn't attempt to drive. Expensive solution perhaps, but just throwing it out there.

Hoping for some input.

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