Caring for my father in law

Bunnyboo · February 26

Hello all I am caring for my father in law, who has dementia possible Alz. It's not easy and l feel like l'm alone in this. I'm the one who does his laundry, cleans the house, and washes him up. When l try to say something all I get are guilt trips. I gave up a full time job that l love to go part time, so l could stop hearing my sister in law and her guilt trips. I hate this disease it's robbed my father in law of everything. He used to be an extremely smart, hard working man. He used to be in the army and learned how to fix RADAR systems. Now he can't even use a broom and all he does is eat, feed his dog his food, and stare out the window.

M1 · February 26

Welcome to the forum. If you look to the right under "Groups" you will find one for new members started by Jeanne C that has a lot of information in it. Does someone hold power of attorney for your father in law? That needs to be addressed sooner rather than later. Since you appear to be the primary caregiver, probably you or your husband need to hold the POA to be able to make decisions about his care. Is he still living alone? That can rapidly become a safety issue, too. You can take care of the legal issues with a certified elder law attorney (look at nelf.org), who can also give you advice about how to handle his finances to get him qualified for Medicaid, which he may need for long-term care. If he's a veteran, the VA can be another source of help (or placement, though there is usually a long waiting list).

Bunnyboo · February 27

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/199740#Comment_199740

My husband and l live with him, but my brother in law is POA and medical.

M1 · February 27

Unfortunately it's typical that most of the hands-on care falls to the women in the family. In my humble opinion you do have the right to refuse and go back to your full-time job. I think it puts you in an impossible position to be doing the caregiving but not have the authority. Wish i had more concrete suggestions for you.

Quilting brings calm · February 27

I’m going to guess that the sister in law doing the complaining is married to the POA. I would go back to your full time job and tell the POA he needs to bring in paid caregivers in placement in a facility. I would also tell them that you can’t sacrifice your financial future by working part time. In addition, your husband needs to be sticking up for you.

Bunnyboo · February 27

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/199909#Comment_199909

Nope she's the sister of the POA. My brother in law.

Marta · February 27

Another vote for withdrawing from this situation. Where is your husband in this picture ? He needs to support you and be the one to tell his siblings to step up.

Bunnyboo · February 27

He's there, but he works full time as a manager.

Emily 123 · February 27

Hi Bunnyboo,

When I get stuck I find it helpful to divide a piece of paper into 'pro' and 'con' sides and start listing. What are the pros for you in this situation?

I'm sure you want to do what's right for his dad--I can read how you miss the person he was. But I imagine his needs have increased and you're providing significant support beyond what you imagined at first. Keep in mind that any caregiving plan needs to take into account the caregiver's needs as well, and that dad's needs will increase. It might be time to look at alternatives, even if that means going back to working full time and moving out of the house. Just because this plan works for your husband and his family doesn't mean it works for you.

Bunnyboo · March 9

We have found a new place and are moving in, and hubby has found a new job in the same area as our new home. My fil's needs are too much for me. I mean yes I was a Nursing Assistant, but then l got breaks amd days off.

Quilting brings calm · March 9

Bunny- I’m glad that you and your spouse have made a determination.. There is nothing wrong ( and actually a lot right) in admitting you can’t do something at the level it needs done at. Especially if that something is taking care of some else. Or especially if that something is damaging to your own mental, emotional, physical or financial health.

Caring for my father in law

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