Maybe I’m trying too hard?

clarinetist · February 26

Yesterday my DH (mid-stage 6) seemed restless and bored, so we took a trip to a car museum. After we toured the museum for a bit, I noticed he wasn’t paying much attention to the cars. He was more interested in seeing my reaction to the cars and matching his reaction to mine.

On the way home from the museum we stopped for ice cream. My DH greatly enjoyed his sundae, so I asked him which he liked better: the museum or the sundae? It was the ice cream.

I’ve been feeling bad that I haven’t been providing enough exciting activities for my DH, but now I’m wondering if I’ve been living in the past: thinking of what he used to like instead of what he now likes. It makes me sad that his world is shrinking.

JDancer · February 26

As caregivers we're told to,"live in their world." In his world, ice cream is more fun than a museum.

That's why my husband and I no longer travel. There are trips that would be doable, but he wouldn't enjoy them. I'm living in his world, unfortunately, his world isn't any fun.

charley0419 · February 26

It’s funny you say that my wife loved to do many’s thing’s especially cooking hasn’t cooked in over 2 yrs. I know it’s because too many things to do and remember. Now we take a ride at least 5 times a week and she loves to go to certain antique stores consistently. See same things every-time but makes her happy. Not the same person anymore this illness SUCKS

SSHarkey · February 26

I completely understand! My DH has lost a lot of interest in things we both enjoyed. It’s so hard watching the world around you shrink!

Quilting brings calm · February 26

Museums in particular are hard because they can’t process the information about the exhibits. Or remember what they used to find so interesting about the objects. My spouse doesn’t have dementia, but he doesn’t like to spend much time at the exhibits because he can’t read all the small print in the explanations - or see the detail on the objects. Being rushed through ruins the enjoyment for me

M1 · February 26

Hi clarinetist and welcome to the forum. It's very hard to know what to do in these situations. Even when he's restless, his need for activities is probably way less than you think. It can be very simple: ice cream, taking a short walk or ride, watching a TV program. One of the hard things is that we caregivers think we need to be cruise directors too, providing entertainment and stimulation--when in fact, when the apathy and loss of executive function progress as they inevitably do by stage 5 or 6, sometimes it's best to just let them be.

My partner tends to shun group activities in memory care, although she will occasionally listen to a musician if it's a solo performance (she hates singalongs). A lot of the daily activities are repetitive things like bingo games, word games, movie quizzes, joke telling. It's quite sad to see so many sitting there in wheelchairs and fast asleep or dozing off. But that's the reality of "group activities" for many I think. My partner prefers to stay in her room and sleep or fidget. When I go, she will sometimes engage in a simple art activity or a walk around the facility. No judgement here--none of it is ideal. But they are in a safe environment, and at the end of the day that's what matters.

sandwichone123 · February 26

My spouse has very impoverished speech, so even in memory care many of the activities are more than he can manage (news, trivia, etc.). What I've noticed is that he really resonates with the here and now. Food and physical activity are the winners for him. Every week I take him out for lunch and a walk. That's it. Could be a walk in the mall, Target, Costco, by the river, in the mountain, but always the same thing: lunch and a walk. It makes him very happy, and is just the right amount of excitement.

charley0419 · February 26

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/199733#Comment_199733

It’s hard for me to image her forge54 yrs together as soon

jfkoc · February 26

I love "cruise director". That is what we try to be and there is no need be that.

Slow your life down. Maybe plant some seeds or buy some tomato plants to watch grow. Birdfeeders are also popular . How about a dance or two to some oldies or a little chair exercise. Oh, then there is papers sorting (old records please) and towel folding. We always need to remember to think outside the old box.

gampiano · February 26

Hello,

Here are some of the things that my husband enjoyed, up until the end of stage 6.

1) Ice cream

2) Watching the birds come to the feeder every day

3) Watching the squirrels too, which he used to shoo away

4) Listening to music. I would play quiet spa type music in the morning, and then switch it up to tunes that he used to like.

5) Riding in the car with the tunes

6) Watching little kids play

7) Puppies

8) Watching the sunset.

I knew that we had reached stage 7 when he no longer cared about most of these things. Ice cream was the last to go.

Joydean · February 26

Taking short rides is about the only thing my dh can handle now. When I say short , about 5 minutes or less and he wants to go home. The TV is on , Gun Smoke is all he wants, but he doesn’t understand what it’s about. Before Alzheimer’s he no way would he waste time with the TV. He never cared for games and still doesn’t. We both used to spend all our spare time outside, I still would rather be outside but he has no interest it. Best of luck to you, this is a very hard road we are all on.

clarinetist · February 26

Thanks, everyone, for the suggestions. Simpler seems to be better!

Bill_2001 · February 26

Hi clarinetist,

I think bringing your dear husband to the car museum was fantastic. Even if you don't think he really understood it or cared, he enjoyed being out with you. He enjoyed your reactions. You enjoyed the museum too. Then he enjoyed ice cream. Sounds like a nice day out.

Enjoy those days out. I take my wife to the botanical garden because she used to enjoy it so much, plus she did all of the gardening in our yard. She reacts the way your husband did - indifferent, or just enjoying my reactions. Just getting our loved ones out and about is such a win - don't give up. It does us caregivers a world of good to get out of the house.

Someone once told me that a car ride is never a waste of gas with your loved one with dementia. I have taken this to heart. It sounds like my wife is a just a bit further along in her journey with dementia. Keep up the outings as long as you can, and kudos for finding something he (used to be) interested in.

I really believe that our loved ones absorb some of it, even if it is very little and we cannot tell.

With Love, Bill_2001

clarinetist · February 27

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/199837#Comment_199837

Thanks, Bill. I guess that was a more successful outing than I realized. I appreciate your perspective on it.

LaneyG · February 27

DH does like to get out for a ride every day and escort me on errands. We still go out to eat. We always have music on or an old time movie or tv show. His attention span is too short to spend a lot of time on any one thing. I’ve started leaving all kinds of art supplies, paper, coloring books, easy games and puzzles on the table. He does go for it on occasion.

Maybe I’m trying too hard?

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