How to get my DH to accept a caregiver while I am getting a break

Denise1847 · February 27

First of all, thank you all so much for giving me wake-up advice last week about getting out for a break. I really needed it. I love that you all are brutely honest in a loving way and get me to think a different way. I am truly the frog in the boiling water and didn't realize just how complacent I have been, not wanting to deal with the conflict, not taking care of my needs, not thinking of my own health and quality of life. You are all a blessing.

Situation: My DH doesn't grasp that I need to get out without him. He says he doesn't understand why he can't go with me if I want to have lunch with a girlfriend, go shopping etc. I cannot take it anymore - wash, rinse and repeat boredom, loneliness and insanity.

My plan is to ask my sister to stay with him for 3 hours. I will tell him this only an hour before she comes and I leave. If I tell him any sooner then he will ask why, where, why can't I go... I just tell him that I have some things to do and he needs to stay home. I would like to do this a couple of times so that he gets someone used to it. Then I switch to have a caregiver come in. For the first hour, I introduce her/him as a friend and we talk like we have known each other. Then I just get up and say that I have to run some errands and can _____ (the caregiver) stay with my DH for a couple of hours. Just get up and leave with assurances that I will be back.

Please give me advice on whether this could work. I really need this to work. Thank you all so very much.

DCCEPEK · February 27

Just go and do you. Don't say anything. You'll set yourself up for an episode if ya do. My MIL knows when my husband isn't present as she thinks he's her husband most of the time. I'll tell her he's cutting grass. It pacifies for a while mostly just walks in circles called her husbands name.

M5M · February 27

It’s good you are thinking ahead. I would ease into this a bit.first, I would take him out for coffee or grocery or whatever before, even if it is the day before , so he has been out also. Then, a few minutes before she arrives, mention casually she is coming. When she arrives, chat a bit, then ask her would she mind staying and fixing his lunch or whatever, while you go run an errand. She agrees- all of this in front of him,- immediately leave for a short time. Don’t wait for objections . Do a trial run like this a few times as he gets acclimated and you find your best scenario !

Also, I do find DH does better when I can take him out, then he is tired and tends to sleep when we return. I tell him “ while you are watching TV/ napping, I’m going to XXX.”

good luck!

M1 · February 27

Denise I would agree that an hour ahead is still too soon to tell him. Maybe ten minutes, but no longer.

mrahope · February 27

I concur with those who say not to mention it too much ahead of time. My DH has become so angry/resistant to being "babysat" that even when I go in the evening and my DS comes over he questions it and seems unhappy and resentful, saying he "wants to be alone". But do go! It will save your sanity.

Denise1847 · February 27

Thank you all for sharing your experience. I am going to try using all of your suggestions. I hate confrontation and conflict so I avoid it at all costs. However, avoiding this is causing me emotional and physical deterioration. What I now realize is that I am in more control than I realize, and it is my own doing for not taking action to help myself.

You all helped me to see this. I am very grateful.

Ed1937 · February 27

Denise, it's obvious that you've given this some thought. Hooray for you! Coming back to the forum to make sure you're on the right track is great. You are on the right track. I agree with other posters when they say not to let him know too soon. Don't give him a chance to object. I have a feeling this might work out well for you, even of it doesn't the first time. Just don't give up if the first try doesn't work as you would like it to. Expect a few bumps in the road. Then if there are none, GREAT!!

A thought just came to mind (that's not always a good thing.) What if you had a cake and some ice cream that he didn't know about? You could tell him the caregiver or your sister brought it.

Pat6177 · February 28

I have gone with a reason for the caregiver to be there. She’s doing light housekeeping for me. She needs to use our Wi-Fi to do a school project. She needs money so she’s going to do some cooking for us. Any reason but not that the person is there to do anything for DH.

SSHarkey · February 28

I used the “this is my friend” routine with my mother. Said she was looking for something to do and came to visit. I stayed the first time. Mom liked her and liked being waited on. That’s all it took. She readily accepted her once she understood she would get pampered and helped with things around the.

Howaboutnow · February 28

Glad you are doing this….i wouldn’t give notice. Starting with your sister could make this a bit easier,,as DH knows her…i would chat a bit when she arrives and have something for her to busy with…maybe making a snack or something that will distract DH as you casually say, at most, “great, after my errands I’ll see you right back here” and move, don’t stop, straight out the door. In the future outings, i wouldn’t declare my departure, i would let her in and let her sort of take over while you slip away. It gets easier.

Denise1847 · February 28

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/199999#Comment_199999

Thank you Ed. I so appreciate your encouragement. I like the cake and ice cream idea. I will let you know.

Denise1847 · February 28

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/200062#Comment_200062

Hmm. That is a good idea. Thank you.

harshedbuzz · February 29

I found with my dad it was best for mom to just slip out. Get the aide or family member(me) and dad visiting-- perhaps listening to one of his monologues or sharing some snack I brought along and mom would sneak out. I never came over empty-handed; I might have soft pretzels, a milk shake, a magazine, whatever. When he noticed she was "missing" I told him she had to run out to pick up his prescriptions or something for his dinner.

We went through a lot of aides before we found one that stuck-- he was put off by the "bossy broad", confused by the lovely Jamaican lady whose accent he couldn't understand and offended by the one who treated him like a preschooler. But the pretty young blond who looked like a younger version of mom? He'd hang with her anytime. My friend struggle to find a match for her mom until she happened on a haus frau who was happy to chat in German with her mom as they prepared dinner together.

HB

Denise1847 · February 29

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/200238#Comment_200238

Thank you. My sister has offered to give it a try with him. Her plan is just as you say. Thank you so much for your response.

How to get my DH to accept a caregiver while I am getting a break

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