where did my husband go?
DW is now frequently living in a world where her husband, whom she loved a lot, suddenly left her without explanation, which she finds extremely upsetting. She says she had been living alone for a long time when I appeared, and she treats me like a guest in our own house. We will have conversations where she tells me all of that, how upsetting it is, that she doesn't understand why he left.
I find it extremely hard to derail the conversation when we're sitting face to face, and I listen mostly without trying to remind and reassure her that we've been married 40+ years, lived in the house all those years together, I'm here, and no one has left her. Sometimes I can distract her or divert the conversation, but she's firmly planted in that world much of the time, and I don't know what to say. I sometimes say I'm here now, is that okay, which it is, but she will still loop back into her world.
I'm looking for suggestions.
Comments
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Holy shit!!! I’m sorry but Holy shit again. your story has hit me like no other. I’m d sure like me you never imagined this happening, you kind of brought me to the realization it really can happen. Married 55 yrs everything fine now but I know can change in days. When did this begin????
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I have no suggestions but I sure have empathy. My partner twice told people (on the phone) that I had left her when I was sitting right there. She told them she had someone else staying with her now. Two years later, in MC, she knows my face but not my name, and has no memory that we ever lived together. She asks frequently how long we've known each other (over 30 years) and has no memory of my kids (her godchildren) and most of her other family. When i bring them up or show her pictures, she says I should have told her this a long time ago! I think all you can do is reassure her that you love her.
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I’m so sorry, that situation is really hard. I didn’t have that exact scene play out, but certainly the “are you my Mom”, “will you come and see me?” (Said tearfully when he thought i was leaving forever rather than for work), “when is x coming home” (when he’s asking about me and I’m in front of him) and similar confusions about how we fit together. All i could think to do was reassure. As it sounds like you attempt over and over 😊.
It’s hard to reply other than stating the truth, that it’s you and you’ve never left, because we desperately want them to feel secure. But i understand her perception tells her otherwise. What if you tried, “Dear, i cannot imagine anyone leaving you. We’ll be here for each other forever. I love you” and if she continues with the “why did he leave me” maybe say “fool that he was, but thank goodness we found each other”. I would often ask for a hug too….to comfort both of us…drawing close helps to reset and feel safe.
again, I’m sorry. This one hurts bad.
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I've been keeping a log since 2019, when I first started to recognize signs of dementia. About a year ago she started getting anxious, even furious, when I wasn't home and hadn't told her where I was going, even though I had told her where I was going. She subsequently started claiming that there had been other people in the house. The delusion that her husband (I) left her is only about a month old.
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I am not there yet with my DH. I have read that PWD often think they are younger than they are, therefore their children can’t be grown adults, but must be younger, and their spouses can’t be in their 60’s, 70’s or 80’s because in their mind, they are not.
I am not sure what I will say, with my MIL that went thru this, when she asked about her son ( my husband who was standing in front of her) we would tel her he was well, but not with us that day, and she seemed comforted, but hearing your spouse not knowing who you are, is painful. I understand what they think but can’t fathom having to do it over and over. I’m very sorry.
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There are many weird aspects to this. I could produce various documents, like tax returns, financial statements, to prove we both live here, and my driver's license proves this is my home address, but I don't usually resort to that. We get mail addressed too both of us, which I think confuses DW.
As I said, I am treated like a guest in my/our own house. DW refers to her house and her dog. It's almost comical, because she doesn't know where we keep lots of things or what food we have in the house. She doesn't know how much, and what, to feed the dog. She thanks me for all that and sometimes says she doesn't know what she would do without me (neither do I!), but the logic isn't there to realize why I know all that. This afternoon, she invited me to stay here and even sleep in her bed and said I'm her favorite visitor. (She asks where I've been living.)
My neighbor, whose father had Alzheimer's, speculated that DW is reflecting in a way, that I'm not the one who left, but she is, at least mentally.
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My DH doesn’t recognize me as his wife (30 years), or that he has even been married!! It started with him confusing me as his sister then just knowing I’m a person who lives here. Most nights he tells me where the showers are, towels etc then asks if I’m sleeping in his room or somewhere else. I estimate he is stage 5 with no physical problems apart from slower and more frail. His short term memory is minutes at best
With regards to him forgetting who I am, it was gut wrenching; however, I’ve come to accept it and it doesn’t hurt nearly as much now. After reading this site, one way I cope is realizing so many caregivers have it far worse than me.
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l7pla1w2 :
This is very tough! And familiar to me, also. You have my deep sympathies. My DW does this same stuff, but it never lasts, so she doesn’t stay anxious or combative for long. I agree with you, documents would be useless; I think she enjoys the conflict, as a way to vent. Some part of her must be angry at the circumstances into which she has fallen.
My “solution” is going to be MC, within 3 months. Of course that will introduce new dramas, and will bankrupt me as a bonus; but I think I will be driven less crazy by having more brain space for myself, and partners in care.
Stay strong, if you can.
Tyrone
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My FIL and MIL were married 68 years. She too missed her husband. Even though it was difficult, My dear FIL who was 90 would hold her hand and ask her to tell him about her husband. This went on almost daily. He would nod and tell her he seemed like a wonderful man, or a kind man. He would assure her he was coming back home soon. He was at work or gone for a day or two. She would feel much better.
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When DW stopped recognizing me as her husband & our house as her home I desperately tried to bring her back. I would break out the wedding photo albums, show her real estate bills with her name on it and many other thing to try to rekindle reality. Eventually I found it much easier on both of us to accept her reality and go along with it. I am sorry you have reached this phase, I know how painful it is.
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Hi Joe, I am curious as to what stage was your loved one in when not recognizing you and your home? I am just trying to be prepared for the next shoe to drop.
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I learned quickly when my dw would come to my bedroom and tell me i needed to leave. This was her house! I played right along saying i just needed a place for the night and would earn my keep. We were married 45 yrs.
Stewart
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My husband began to have episodes like this in late stage 5. He thought I might be his mom, and at other times thought i might be a romantic friend. He didn't remember our wedding. He recognized our grand kids and daughter because they were frequent visitors, but only for a moment and then, nothing.
I gave up trying to refresh his memories, and went along with his thinking most of the time. It helped to get out of the house and be alone so that i could recoup and accept the new reality that was ever changing.
This disease is one big tragedy.
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We are not there yet. DH is terrified of forgetting our kids and grandkids not to mention immediate family members. He had asked me to set up a photo album he could look through. We also got a digital photo frame that scrolls through pictures all day. I have tried to include pictures of him with the kids so maybe he will recognize them when the time comes
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Denise, She was around late stage 5 or stage 6 when she stopped recognizing me & the house. The funny thing was she still remember her possessions such as clothing and furniture. She would ask why her living room set, clothes or something else was in the this house. As for not recognizing me, she continued to trust me completely but would say things to me like, “if my husband were here he would love this meal” or ask “do you have a wife.”
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Thank you, Joe. I do not know how I will deal with the lack of recognition. Every day I am shocked at the deterioration. It breaks my heart over and over. I do believe that this has to be the worst disease because it is ever-suffering for years.
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> @l7pla1w2 said:
> I've been keeping a log since 2019, when I first started to recognize signs of dementia. About a year ago she started getting anxious, even furious, when I wasn't home and hadn't told her where I was going, even though I had told her where I was going. She subsequently started claiming that there had been other people in the house. The delusion that her husband (I) left her is only about a month old.
My husband told me today that he wants to move, and that we aren't officially married. We have been happily married for 18 years, I was hurt and stunned, so, I showed him our wedding picture. He agreed it was us, but was the person in the middle my mother? (it was the minister) . I told him that I he didn't have to remember dating or wedding, just that I love him.3 -
I think the first couple of times DW asked who I am, whether we're married, where I live, I was incredulous. However, it happens so often now, I don't react with any emotion. If she asks who I am, I say my name matter-of-factly; if she asks whether we're married or where I live, I do the same. Sometimes she accepts the answer, and sometimes she says, "How can that be?" She's never angry about it, and, depending on the circumstances, we might even have a laugh. She usually says something to the effect that she's glad I'm here or she doesn't know what she would do without me.
The latter is interesting to ponder. On the one hand she can't see she has a problem and thinks she can function independently, and on the other hand she knows she needs (my) help with everything.
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This sounds so much like my husband. We've been married for 46 years - and today he talked about his girlfriend May (he had an Aunt May, which is where I think the name came from) and wondered who I am and why he is in my house again. At other times, he seems knows who I am and tells me how much he loves me. It seems like there are all the pieces of his life (and my life!) floating around in his head - and he tries to pull them out and make sense of them, but they often don't make sense, to him or anyone else. One time he thought our little dog was his son. It is a shock sometimes, but I know he is trying so hard to make sense of who we are - sometimes he looks at me and says everything is just so hard. I think we just follow the emotion - and reassure them they are loved. It's really all we can do…
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This is disease is so cruel and unfair. My heart hurts for you and I wish so badly there was something I could say or do to make things better for all us.
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@LindaLouise I found it interesting that he mistook the dog for his son. My dh is starting to have trouble identifying things, and I think part of it is that his vision is deteriorating. I also find it interesting that your husband doesn't mistake a loved one (the dog) for an inanimate object, but for another loved one, whose name or label may be sort of mixed up. My dh has had trouble with relationship names for years, talking about his mom and her wife (meaning husband) and similar relationship mixups.
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It seems like there are all the pieces of his life (and my life!) floating around in his head - and he tries to pull them out and make sense of them, but they often don't make sense, to him or anyone else.
That's a really interesting description, and it fits other behaviors. We may have been talking about several things, and she seems to put together random thoughts from several of them into sentences.
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My DH went through a time when he thought I was his sister, mother, daughter, or cousin. Since he always calls me sweetie It took me awhile to realize the confusion. About 6 to 12 months ago, he asked me where his wife was. He was very upset as he thought she was dead. I was standing right in front of him (and I don’t think I am in spirit form yet.) Now that disturbed me. How do you convince a PWD that you are not dead? That only happened once. He seems to sometimes recognize me and my name, but probably not. He asks me if I’m married, and I say, yes I am. Do you want to know what my husband’s name is? He then chuckles and sheepishly says, Oh It’s me! He asks me if my husband cares if he’s there or asks if I have a boyfriend. He used to obsess about his mother as if she was alive and he was a terrible son for not taking good care of her. This delusion can get so troubling to him, I rarely go along with it anymore, but remind him that we are both old and most people our age no longer have their parents. Now he will mostly ask if his mom is still alive for which I answer truthfully. Sometimes fiblets work, and sometimes the truth is better.
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Commonly Used Abbreviations
DH = Dear Husband
DW= Dear Wife, Darling Wife
LO = Loved One
ES = Early Stage
EO = Early Onset
FTD = Frontotemporal Dementia
VD = Vascular Dementia
MC = Memory Care
AL = Assisted Living
POA = Power of Attorney
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