Really dumb question about moving LO to MC

Hi secondcor521,

I vote # 3

It's a very hard thing to get used to. Because you're around your dad you understand that fiblets can work. You see first hand the brain changes he's experienced that've left him very much in the 'now'. He physically can't form new memories, and so has lost the ability to recall that there's no water leak. It feels awful to tell a white lie over and over but, eyes on the prize, this is about soothing dad with a reason he can handle, not about honesty. The disease makes it so that honesty isn't always the best policy.

He may ask about moving back quite a lot because he won't be able to imprint new memories, and the environment and people will be unfamiliar to him for a long time (when my mom lived with me for 9 months she started every morning thinking she had come for a short visit). He'll need a lot of prompting and cueing by the staff to navigate this new home. BUT... your BIL should understand that constant questions are due to him trying to orient himself, not because he's been able to retain enough information to think the situation through and realize that 8 weeks have passed and the leak isn't fixed--he likely has no sense of the passage of time at this point, and so each time the fiblet is told it'll be new information.

Having been the primary caregiver, you understand that a big part of the move-in process is finding something your dad can go along with that gets him over to MC in a relatively calm state of mind. You may be suprised -- he may accept the move and settle in. We just moved Mom to MC last month and it went well--She had been quite ill with the flu and a UTI, so we got her there by telling her she needed IP rehab and she seems to be doing well. I'd say she was early stage 6 and her illness pushed her into exhibiting later stage 6 behaviors, which she seems to have bounced back from.

Since you have awesome family, why not let them handle keeping everyone in the loop? You'll have a lot on your plate--maybe they can send out quick emails or a group text. Updates don't have to be lengthy. We text pics a lot to family. When Mom was diagnosed I shared the following with family, which seemed to give everyone a better understanding.

Good luck with your move!

Understanding the Dementia Experience: 

https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/210580

Tam Cummings assessment tools/AD checklist

https://tala.org/wp-content/uploads/2019/04/Tam-Cummings-LLC-Handouts.pdf

Teepa-multiple videos: https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PL2E2lPBsUeBjA1Utglo8q6yANAijEf8cX

Moderate stage changes: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6cZTgG6kDjs

There are no dumb questions when it comes to dementia! I agree with others - stick to your fiblet plan. I’m pretty sure that in a month or so it will be a non-question. When hospice helped me get MIL into MC, the social worker took me aside and said “you don’t have to be the truth teller anymore”. I balked at first but what a relief it was.

A lot of issues seem to come and go quickly for my MIL and I’ve learned to wait a few weeks before looking for “solutions”. Also MC staff seem to have a sense for which concerns should be addressed.

You are fortunate to have supportive family! The MC probably has an email list for general news and events - can you ask them to add your siblings? And maybe you can all agree on the level of sharing: need to know v. nice to know. For instance do they need to know every medication change or just the big ones? This is of course fluid and people’s level of concern may change as your father’s condition changes, but would help manage the expectations on you as chief communicator.

Hope your father has a smooth transition.

@secondcor521 said:

I'm now considering something much closer to the truth which also keeps family as the "good guys". We might try saying something like his doctor thinks this is a better environment for him - safer, easier, and more comfortable and we're going to have him there for a while. Thoughts?

This is very close to what we chose to do. Since mom would be staying at home, the ruse around a leak or termites wasn't an option for us. The nice thing about "doctor's orders" (we called it a fancy private rehab) was that when he asked to go home or how long he'd be, we could say it was up to the doctor. This allowed us to explain we wanted best care possible (which made him feel loved) while letting some fictional physician take the responsibility for him being there.

There is no way I could have dropped dad off at a MCF and told him he'd not ever be leaving. That would be cruel.

HB

My mom was roughly the same stage with VD when it was time to move her from AL to MC. I agonized over the decision. From taking away her independence to believing she would immediately see through any fiblit used for the ruse, it was one of the most stressful aspects of this journey. I worked with the team at her facility to use the water leak ruse. It was elaborate. Mom went to lunch in the AL dining room. From there, the in-house PT therapist took her for a long walk and PT evaluation under the guise of a new “workout program”. During this extended time, the movers came and moved her furniture and belongings to a new room in memory care. Staff told her the fiblet of a water leak and escorted her to her “temporary” room while reassuring her that they got all her belongings out without any water damage. While I remained in touch with staff, I stayed away for 2 weeks to give time for adjustment. By the time I visited my mom, one of the first things she said was how much she loved her new room and asked me if they thought the facility would let her stay there. I told her I thought that could be arranged…I don’t believe she ever realized that she was now in memory care. She was ready for the smaller environment and did much better with more focused memory care staffing than she had in AL.

That’s wonderful. Change is usually for the good.

#3.

Kick the can down the road. Rinse and repeat. Unless he is extremely oblivious, you might need to say what you're doing and what this place is, so I'd go with the fiblet from day 1 and let MC staff know the party line in advance as well.

There are no stupid questions here really, but I like what @harshedbuzz said about there being ignorant ones. BIL doesn't seem to realize that the nature of dementia is you would likely be "ripping the bandaid off" over and over, as your LO forgets. And that is downright cruel. Plus it leaves you to deal with the aftermath every time since you are local and they are not. (Meaning, in my world you don't have to tell them this, but they don't get a vote)

Edit: OK, I just caught up and you did go with a great reason kind of fiblet and kind of true. Good for you. Hoping this placement goes well in time.