Lkrielow99

Ed1937 · March 5

Please don't take this as a means to ridicule you. It is not. I understand that this is one of the hardest things to handle with the disease. But in your best interest, that of your husband and that of the public, you really have to get him off the road. He is way past the point where he shouldn't be driving at all. Not to the store or around the block. Teepa Snow has a video on YouTube about how to stop the driving issue. Please search for it. I'm sure others here will have input on this issue.

charley0419 · March 5

Takes a second for an accident

jfkoc · March 5

You could loose everything because of an accident.

Getting lost is the least of it. Response times fail!

Lkrielow99 · March 5

I will watch Teepa on the driving issue again, but I get it. Honestly, his BIL is his insurance agent and his insurance was dropped because of accidents. I pleaded with him to NOT find new insurance, but he did. He has a friend who will come and fix anything on the vehicle that I break. I jump in my car when we go places, but my DH will defy me at every turn. I've had WW3 in my home regarding his driving. H... I just got him to sell his 200mph airplane on Feb 26. He nearly killed us and swears he didn't. I am a pilot also, and I was doing all the cockpit work while he said he was flying the plane. So, how do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time. I appreciate your concern, I'm concerned.

Quilting brings calm · March 5

Is your state one that you can report him to the DMV or do you have to go through your doctor? Also- does your BIL know a friendly police officer? One that might discreetly follow him and report his concerns to the DMV? It sounds like the only way to stop him driving is to get his license yanked.

ghphotog · March 5

My journey has been difficult to say the least but I am blessed and gratefull for some things like driving I didn't have to worry about. During Covid my DW was probably in stage 3-4 and since most of that was during the lock downs It was easy for her to understand she couldn't drive and she didn't want to.

That has to be much harder to prevent a man with dementia from wanting to drive. Men, I think, and I'm not excluding women by any means, still carry that "can do" spirit deep into the disease. It's very ingrained in us our entire lives as men.

Quilting brings calm · March 5

==That has to be much harder to prevent a man with dementia from wanting to drive. Men, I think, and I'm not excluding women by any means, still carry that "can do" spirit deep into the disease. It's very ingrained in us our entire lives as men.==

In my step-dad’s case, it was more like “I’m going to do whatever the $&@) I want and you aren’t going to stop me. How dare you tell me not to do something”. Luckily the staff at the AL knew how to keep him inside the building and out of the car.

hiya · March 6

My DH went for a driving test recommend by his memory care Dr. He didn’t even get to the physical driving test as he couldn’t pass the questions on the pre-test. By doing this, I’m able to ‘blame’ the testing center. I remind him that we have no valid insurance as they documented it. He would forget and still try to drive!! I ended up taking the key off his key ring and saying it is lost…Maybe that is an option to try as it’s unlikely his buddy could get a replacement key.

I feel it is one of the hardest things as it takes their independence. Good luck

Lkrielow99 · March 6

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/200940#Comment_200940

i read the laws in my state and it is not against the law to drive with cognitive impairment. What does that mean, I don’t know. The doctor told him, if he finds out DH has gotten in the plane to fly he would contact the FAA. It was WW3 all the way home, I had to pull over twice. The doctor told him he should not be driving his car, but no mention of anything he could or would do. My DH refuses to go back to the doctor as he is afraid the doctor will contact the DMV. But again, there are no laws against driving with dementia. Great idea about the officer. The DMV could make him take an impairment test drive, I read that much. I am concerned about his driving. My DH and I have talks about his driving. I try to make it about my wishes and not a “demand”. He is very stubborn and will not be told what to do. Previously if I asked him to do something, there was no way he would. He is narcissistic, stubborn and egotistical. He always has been. He has other qualities. On a good note, he drives less and less on his own terms. He doesn’t question me driving him anymore. Progress is progress. Personally I blame my BIL who had the opportunity and means to help and BIL ans SIL let me know that he wasn’t going to help. My BIL could have required DH to get a driving assessment before finding another (high risk) insurance carrier that charges now over $500 a month. Thank you all for your concern.

BTW, I welcome ideas of what worked for others. I know better than anyone, he needs to put the keys away. Better said than done. We live in a small town where his family is powerful but not willing to help. DH father was allowed to drive with macular degeneration. Not to be funny, but they put flashing lights all over his truck so people could see him. My DH is that stubborn too.

mrahope · March 7

Just saying that I feel your pain. I literally am sleeping with the keys under my pillow up to this very day. He was told by two doctors not to drive and that either of them could report him to the state DMV. We told him (and it was basically true) that DS and DDIL needed his car because they have a young child. It made him look good to be "generous" to them and he consented (even though he later regretted it) and never got that car back. As for my car, I had to give his key to DS for safe-keeping and keep my copy on my person at all times. This issue is what triggered our beginning to look into MC. He was so determined that he made a DMV appointment for himself and tried to go there using ride sharing services. I had to get my son to literally stand in front of him to keep him from doing this. I'm so sorry your (and his) family is not helpful. It's so dangerous for all concerned, not to mention stressful for you.

JDancer · March 7

I understand the pain and difficulty of not letting PWD drive.

I also understand the pain and difficulty of losing a LO to an impaired driver. Dementia impairs drivers. Please don't let PWD drive. Lives depend on it.

Do you allow the PWD to drive a car with children aboard? If not, why are you endangering others?

Lhuerta · March 7

This is so hard and I'm sorry that you are having to deal with this.

For my DH, we tried a lot of different things-

1 - moved the truck to our daughter's home so he doesn't see it every day and want to use it - told him she was borrowing it

2- had to change the explanation to "it broke down" and created an invoice from a repair shop with a ridiculously high price to fix - convinced him it wasn't worth it

3-disconnected our main car so he couldn't start it. He kept trying but never asked why it wouldn't start - he thought it was something he did.

4-made sure I got in the driver's seat first and kept keys hidden at all times; never left keys in the car, even if I was just getting out to check the mail, because he would grab them or jump into the drivers seat

5-created an official-looking letter from the DMV stating that a new law required all drivers over a certain age to come in for a driving test and that his license was suspended until that happened. This way it wasn't targeted just at him, but everyone his age - I got his brother to say he had to do the same thing

So, we're at the stage where he doesn't try to drive but he still asks about the truck. Sometimes he gets very agitated and wants to call the police because he thinks someone stole the truck. Doctor put him on meds to calm him down.

Hang in there.

Lkrielow99

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