personhood

l7pla1w2 · March 3

My DW has lately become obsessed with what I'll call "personhood". We have different last names, so no "Mr. and Mrs. ...". Mail (to use one example) get addressed to us using each of our names. She interprets many simple things as though they're failures to recognize her as an individual. Examples:

We got a mailing from our city addressed to "mylastname, myfirstname & herlastname,herfirstname." She got bent out of shape that there was a space after the comma in my name but not hers.

We got a (essentially useless) membership card from a conservation organization. We give them money jointly, so the card has both our names on it. She's incensed that there wasn't a card for each of us. But if we were Mr. and Mrs., she says one card would be okay. (By the way, she had their letter addressed to both of us that said a membership card was enclosed. We got the letter weeks ago and it was sitting on her desk. She claims she "just" saw the letter, and that we never got a membership card. I found it in her desk.)

If I get something mailed to me (my name) that applies to both of us, she's angry it wasn't addressed to her as well.

The cellphone number for our property caretaker is on one of her many scraps of paper scattered on her desk. She says "He never talks to me, just you."

I had a birthday recently. For years DW and I have been celebrating each of our birthdays with Peggy by going to a local restaurant. DW insisted that Peggy had invited me but not her.

I know, I know, I know, I know. Her brain is broken. I think this is all somehow her way of saying, "I'm still here, I still matter."

Ed1937 · March 3

I think it may be helpful if you let her think you agree with her. Something like "You know years and years ago someone decided when a couple got married, the woman would give up her individuality, and take her husband's last name. I'm really glad you're fighting to keep your last name so people will know who you are. You count just as much as I do." You just have to do whatever makes her happy.

Jgirl57 · March 3

My HWD/does the same thing and generally wants everything to be about him. I now just hide the mail from him and he doesn’t even ask about the mail anymore. Last week I had to show my ID at a store and he wanted to know why they didn’t need his and he was quite perturbed for a bit.

charley0419 · March 3

Funny ! My wife is obsessed with mentioning every time weather report on map and NJ not listed on map gets her.

M1 · March 3

I would agree with hiding the mail. Remove the source of confusion.

harshedbuzz · March 3

@l7pla1w2

My dad had a similar behavior that was driven by his delusions that mom and I were doing nefarious things behind his back. He often rifled through boxes of old paperwork in the attic closet if left alone in stage 5ish. We'd sometimes find him sitting on the floor surrounded by mail and current bills/statements trying to catch us out.

Accepting the "whys" behind this is likely beyond her now. It would be best to proactively prevent this reaction by removing the trigger.

What helped was for mom to get the mail before he was up and hide it away; it comes early in her neighborhood before dad was out of bed. We also went to automatic bill pay for any recurrent bills which cut down on potential triggers. Had this not been an option, we would have gotten mom a PO box to use instead. This might be a strategy for you as your incoming mail seems to be a trigger that only serves to upset her. If going to the mailbox and perusing the mail is a routine for her, perhaps you could sneak a few bulk mail circulars for her to find.

HB

l7pla1w2 · March 8

I have been advised here to take away DW's computer. The problem is, she gets notified of important things via email, and she gets email from her sister and friends.

Here's the "personhood" angle. Today she complained that no one ever tells her anything, that they tell me instead, and I end up informing DW. She's incensed that they don't talk to her directly. Of course, they do, but she doesn't look at her email regularly. She doesn't understand the difference between never getting email and receiving email but not actually reading it. The result is she feels that people are not treating her properly.

I made the mistake of going into explanation mode, and then I realized that was pointless, so I managed to change the subject.

I have asked people to Cc me if it was something important. I've begun monitoring her email inbox directly for anything important that I don't get a copy of and also deleting emails she doesn't need to see, because they're junk or something she does not need to address. I've also been unsubscribing her from various mailing lists.

M1 · March 8

why don't you set up to receive her email account on your phone or computer? I did this; my partner still has an email account though she hasn't looked at it in years.

I think HB is right about removing the triggers. If you get her out of the habit of looking for emails and hide the incoming mail, that might go a long way to calming things down. I had to do that here. Our mailbox is 1/2 mile from the house, so it was not a big deal for me to be the one to get it (hard for her to walk that far), and I would stop by the barn on the way back to the house and toss most of it. Anything important I would put in a coat pocket or my purse so that she never saw it. And never missed any of it.

spernstein · March 9

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/200625#Comment_200625

I also hide the mail from my DH. It has stopped the constant arguments regarding mail. There are still so many other difficult situations that reducing 1 source of problems is well worth it.

l7pla1w2 · March 9

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/201391#Comment_201391

That doesn't solve the "personhood" problem, where DW thinks all communication is being directed through me to her, rather than to her directly. I think it makes her feel like a non-person. I understand her pique, even if she's wrong.

personhood

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