My Mom Flipped Out in a Drive Thru - Venting

Have you tested your mom for a UTI? My mom behaved this way when she had one even though the doctors at the time kept saying she didn’t. Once treated, she got a whole lot closer to her baseline. If she doesn’t have one, call her doctor and ask for medication

Hi Lazuza - so sorry you are having to deal with all that. Would you not be able to get her to speak to a CLEC (elder attorney)? Sometimes they can get someone to sign for DPOA. If possible, also for medical POA. Agreeing with QBC. Could be UTI. But in any case, do get her to doctor. Even if you are not on HIPPA, you can still tell them what is going on. They just can't reply back. If she is reluctant to go, you could tell her it is for insurance reasons, or for any prescription refill needs to be seen first.

All of us HATE 'this'!

@Lazuza

Hi and welcome. I am sorry for your reason to be here, but pleased you found this place.

I have some thoughts to share, in no particular order.

If your mom had an Alzheimer's Diagnosis at the time of her injury, this could be a chicken or the egg scenario. Sometimes PWD will suffer a fall/injury that is the result of disease progression rather than the progression being strictly from the injury/hospital/rehab experience. It's probably a combination of the two. Sometimes PWD do improve once they're back in a familiar place, but 3 weeks out this is likely mom's new baseline.

Since mom lived alone prior, you may not have had as accurate a sense of her disease progression if she was able to showtime when you saw her. This is when a PWD can temporarily get their act together and appear more with it than they are.

That said, if this is a sudden onset behavior, a UTI should be ruled out. A lot of folks do the strips, but gold standard is a clean catch with a culture done to be sure she's on the appropriate antibiotic. If she's been like this since her discharge, a UTI is less likely.

If your mom hasn't/won't give you a POA to act on her behalf, then you'll have to obtain guardianship. IME, both my aunt and a friend obtained guardianship and were able to recover the costs from their LO's assets. I would try to obtain temporary guardianship asap. I would collect those videos as evidence that she is no longer capable of managing her affairs. Her doctors may also be asked to give opinions. Both people I know who did this prevailed; and my friend's dad fought him engaging his own attorney. In both cases the judge ordered neuro-cognitive testing as part of the case.

Once you obtain guardianship, you can investigate MCFs for mom and be her caregiver in the sense that you delegate baths and toileting while ensuring she has good care.

It sounds like mom might benefit from medication. Ideally, EMS would have responded and taken your mom to an ER where she could be transferred to a geripsych unit for medication management.

HTH

HB

@Lazuza said:

Thanks! Yes, as much as I would like for my mom to return home, it isn't safe for her at this time, unfortunately.

It's fortunate that you realize that.

I have been reading about memory care facilities.

That's great. There are a couple of really important points to consider. One is cost and how mom'll be paying for this. Most MCFs charge anywhere from $6-10K a month which adds up quickly. Unless mom is quite well off or has a great LTC policy, there's a potential she could run out of funds and need the safety net that is Medicaid for her continued care. This is something to discuss with your lawyer-- Medicaid planning is something a CELA will specialize in. Every state managing Medicaid differently, so in some states mom would have to go to a semi-private room in a SNF when her money runs out.

If mom has a house, that might be sold to fund her care. If Medicaid is a possibility, I would only tour those facilities that accept Medicaid. Often these places operate on a business model where a resident is self-pay for 2-3 years before converting to Medicaid. If mom will be using Medicaid right out of the gate, there may be a waiting list for a bed. If this is the case, you'll want to get on that list asap.

Touring is best. I initially reached out to A Place for Mom. They are the devil-- I do not recommend.

I feel guilty for saying this but it would be nice to get some of my life back. I literally haven't had a moment to myself in the last week and not many in the last three. That said, my friends have relatives with dementia that is worse than my mom's in many ways and they care for their relatives at home. They use adult day care and in-home caregivers when they want to go somewhere.

No guilt. No two people with dementia present in the same way. Type of dementia, personality, mental health issues, previous relationship, and resources available to the caregiver are all over the place. One of my dear friends took care of her sweet mom in a home she had built to include an ADA compliant 3-room in-law suite on her first floor. She was also one who lost her English skills at the very end. Mom had money left from the sale of her home, my friend initially worked PT before taking leave. Her husband was very supportive and she was fortunate to have a son living there between college and grad school who could help during that wretched stage where her mom's sleep was so fractured.

My dad was not that person. He and I never enjoyed an easy relationship, he was paranoid and aggressive even when medicated. He ws resistant to hands on care from mom, he didn't do well with most of the HHAs we hired and we'd never have been able to get him moving in time to take advantage of a day program. HHAs to give mom a break were over $30/hour 6 years ago; at the end of the day, a MCF wasn't all that much more money. When he started talking about murder-suicide with mom, we had him in the MCF within the week.

IDK if this is realistic for us. It's not that I'm less capable than they are but I wouldn't have as much support from family in caring for my mom. Also, their relatives may have a different forms of dementia and their particular cognitive functioning may be easier to manage at home? One of my friend's relatives with dementia has forgotten how to speak English although she was previously fluent and now only communicates in Russian. I am told that she is speaking gibberish. However, she's able to dress herself, toilet, and eat if you put food in front of her. She wanders if not supervised but, to my knowledge, she has never had outbursts like my mother and she's not on psychotropics. That said, what she is saying is not understood by most people in the US, so I guess I really don't know what she is thinking.

Support is everything. I helped mom a lot, but I am it. Dad's brother was worse than useless-- he'd do a 45-minute drive-by visit and then call me to play devil's advocate about decisions mom and I made. Mom's sister was 300 miles away assisting in the care of one sister with cancer, one with dementia for whom she was guardian and helping where she could with another sister with dementia.

If I'm going to manage mom at home, I'm definitely going to need help. A local AD nonprofit pointed me to care.com and a local adult day program on Friday, which I'm considering but IDK if this is the right road for us.

If your mom has "behaviors" you'll need to get that part under control first or she will be asked to leave a day program. Care.com can be great and sometimes a bit cheaper than an agency. IME, unless you are offering close to FT employment, you may find that getting help is a challenge. When you only need, say, 15 hours spread through the week, your caregivers are more likely to be no-shows or leave your employment if they find a job more to their liking-- more hours, better commute or schedule or even an easier client.

HB