Trust is gone..

mrahope · February 14

I'm just kind of thinking about our relationship because it's Valentine's Day. After his outbursts of screaming and throwing objects last week, as well as telling me he's going to "leave me" I'm not sure what to believe. This week is a whole different ball game with multiple requests that I forgive him. I do forgive him and I still care about him deeply, but I'm continually anxious that he may act this way again. I'm constantly watching my back mentally and physically. How do you feel safe again?

I've done what made sense to do. I contacted his neuro about the behavior, which the doctor said might be because of the changes in his medicines. I don't think so, and no further help was offered. We're looking at exercising the POA for his financial affairs so he can't spend $$ he doesn't have, disappeared the car keys, etc.

I can't remember or get back those loving feelings toward him because I'm so anxious about another episode. Thanks for listening, everyone.

JeriLynn66 · February 14

MRA, I'm sorry for your pain. It is certainly a good idea to proceed with the POA to avoid problems.

Jeanne C. · February 14

I think this is a difficult holiday for a lot of us. I feel terrible saying it, but I don't have romantic feelings for my husband anymore. It's like he's a child, and a difficult one at that. Valentine's day was never a thing for us because our wedding anniversary is next week (we kinda saved up the planned romance for then) - I know I'll be a mess then.

I hate that you're going through this. I don't know that you'll get trust back, and frankly, you should be cautious and keep yourself safe. If he has an episode like before, call 911. Maybe proactively ask now for a geripsych consult. Honestly, I found the neurologist to be useless. It wasn't until we got psych and a good gerontologist involved that I feel like we got things on a more even path. His gerontology/memory NP has worked with me every step of the way adjusting meds as needed and helping me understand how to proceed.

M1 · February 14

mrahope I have been worried about you and wose both. I think you are both looking at need for hospitalization and stabilization on meds. Having done it, I know how hard it is but also how necessary.

mrahope · February 14

Thanks, M1. I'm so glad I do have DS and DDIL. I'm sure I couldn't last a day without them. It's so hard to plan these things feeling like if you are even so much as on the phone asking questions about things and are overheard you risk an explosion of temper. I'm thinking of transferring POA to my DS because it's the only way we can plan without being attacked in the process.

LaneyG · February 15

Mrahope, I get ups and downs like that too. It is so hard. I take a day (sometimes a moment) at a time, remind myself it is the disease, and embrace the times when he is sweet appreciative and caring. My anxiety is always there not knowing when the next outburst will happen. I always tell myself that if I felt in danger I wouldn't hesitate to dial 911. I always have my phone on me. My husband was hospitalized recently. It was pure hell for both of us. BUT the resulting med changes have helped quite a bit. There are still ups and downs, accusations that I tricked him into going to that place, and of course the driving thing, but the outbursts seem a bit shorter lived and maybe not quite as intense. Still nerve wracking for sure. Hang in there.

Palmetto Peg · February 16

I am in a similar situation. My husband has been accusing me of infidelity, and using really crude, disgusting language. Then he is sorry, and wants hugs and kisses and sometimes, sex. I have absolutely no sexual feelings for him, and it is hard to remember the love we had in the past. He is totally self-centered, requires constant assistance, and is always grabbing me. What do we do? I have probably a few years of this ahead of me before me could be placed, unless at some point he gets violent in his delusional moments. What a horrible disease this is!!

hendersontracy12 · March 12

Hey everybody, 1st time posting. I noticed hubby having memory loss and confusion over a year ago, he is 52. Last July, he ended up in the hospital for a week, and scans confirmed something was going on in the area of his memory and emotions. Bad short-term memory loss, can't remember places he went the same day, says he can't control negative thoughts, that they seem real to him, gets confused has to ask if certain family members are still alive, etc. Still doing more scans to try to see what is going on. In the last few months he has gotten very mad starts cussing, throwing things, calling me names, and verbally saying the meanest things. I don't take it personally and try to not trigger him in any way possible. However, when I logged onto to his email 3 weeks ago he had 3 profiles on dating sites. I calmly confronted him about it, he denied it, said I did it to set him up, and so on. I will say that the emails from the sites were unread, but he did pics, and what he is looking for and such. Later on After the angry outburst, he called and said he might have done it but didn't know why and apologized. Fast forward to yesterday when I saw he did another one after I had deleted the others, I wasn't going to mention it just delete it and go on cause he's not going to remember, his mother said something to him, and it all went crazy after that. More angry outbursts, accusing me, etc.. He texted me this morning and showed that he made me a profile on one 😠 with his email I can no longer get into, to prove I set him up. Help!! Has anyone elses loved one done these sorts of things, I feel like I'm going to lose my mind most of the time now. He will forget, and do it again, but I will always be wondering what is he up to. His mom does not want him on any meds much less a psych med .

housefinch · March 12

Please forgive my bluntness here. He definitely shouldn’t be managing any money, driving, etc. I would be very worried about his reaction to learning he no longer has access to managing his money or similar issues. You need a safety plan and your doctor needs to understand this is a time bomb waiting to explode. —an MD

hendersontracy12 · March 12

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/201887#Comment_201887

He does not have access to money or a car right now. Not likely ever at this point.

housefinch · March 12

I’m sorry, @hendersontracy12 my comment was in response to @mrahope and that probably wasn’t clear. I hope things improve for you, too. You may want to start a new post with your own question (you could just repost it) to get more responses

hendersontracy12 · March 12

Gotcha

JC5 · March 12

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/68178/trust-is-gone

So sorry you are dealing with this ! I too find it difficult to “be nice” after my DH yells at me for whatever reason! He physically gets in my face and tells me how terrible I am to him! Sad part when I bring it up later he doesn’t remember! I too am always walking on egg shells not knowing what each day will bring. I do try to get out at least once a week to do my thing . But always knowing I have to go back to the unknown! We are alone in this venture but not alone to talk and share ! Tks for posting

mrahope · March 13

@housefinch, Thanks for the advice. He has no car keys for quite a while. I have always managed probably 90% of the financial affairs for our household, but I put my DS in charge of his POA (DS has an MBA) and we are working on making sure we get security for the one checking account and few credit cards he has access too. We're fortunate that he's never quite figured out how to order things online and now is mostly unable to do so.

My heart feels so broken. We are now second on a waiting list for placement. I hope I don't have to call 911 to get him there.

Trust is gone..

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