Visiting Mom with dementia

AMonahan · March 18

Hi, I am new here. my mom was diagnosed with dementia over four years ago and has since had to transition into a memory care facility. I visit her multiple times a week and every time I visit when she sees me she starts crying. This is really hard on me. I tried to distract her. I tried to bring activities, but at this point she’s advanced stage dementia and she’s mostly non-verbal and can’t verbally state why she’s crying. But throughout my visit, she will look at me and start crying. Any suggestions on how to deal with this as it breaks my heart.

M1 · March 18

Look up pseudobulbar affect. It’s uncontrollable laughing or crying that’s related to the brain damage. My grandmother had it. There’s a drug called Nudexta that might help a bit, but sadly it’s probably not something she can control either. Is she on any medication for anxiety/depression?

AMonahan · March 18

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/202615#Comment_202615

Hi, thanks for your response. Appreciate it. Yeah she’s actually on the highest dose of her antidepressant and her ant anxiety medication. It’s mostly just when she sees me when I go to visit her she’ll be in a group for activity and she’s OK and soon as she sees me, she starts crying, so it seems to be selective to me Which I understand but it’s hard for me .

terei · March 18

Sometimes the PWD is triggered by one or more people. Ask the staff if she is acting like this when you are not around. If she is fine when you are not there, I would decrease the number of visits. If you want to check on her personally, some people go + observe their LO without their knowing that they are there.

This sounds crazy, but there are some caregivers who change their appearance to visit with a surgical mask, or even a wig + their LO is happy to converse with them but really don’t recognize them + the LO is not triggered

sunnydove · March 19

She might be crying tears of joy. But without having the ability to interpret her own emotions, all tears can look/sound the same. Maybe just repeatedly reassure her that you're there and so happy to see her. I know how much it hurts to have them cry and not know why or how to fix it. You can also try to lighten the situation by saying something like, "Don't cry, you silly goose! I'm here and I'm so happy to see you!" Maybe take her for a walk and show extra enthusiasm and excitement for all the squirrels, birds and flowers in hopes that joy and lightness will be infectious. Or if she can't go outside, do the same with some funny videos.

I know it's hard and it hurts. Lots of people stop visiting their LOs for this reason. But if it's hard for you, imagine how hard and scary it is for them? All you can do is love her with all your heart and try to convey that love to her while she is still here.

Visiting Mom with dementia

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