Opinion on moms care
My mom has only been with me 9 months. The first 3 were fine but then it started to really go down hill. See post about my mean mom.
Her doctor has recommended she be placed in a home as her behavior is getting a bit aggressive. I have applied for different types of aid and she’s been recently released from the wait list on getting some help with in home care.
The opinion I am soliciting is whether we as the children of a parent whose never saved a dime in her life and has no assets at all, should be responsible for footing the bill for a private room for her long term care. I’m estimating if she receives the financial assistance coupled with her social security she would still be from nearly 3000 short for this. If she were to share a room it would be more like 1000 short.
My mother was never a beaver cleaver type mother. I’ve just recently realized how narcissistic she was and I believe that makes Alzheimer’s rougher. So my siblings feel like she’ll have to make do with a shared room without bath since she didn’t plan for her future. I am a bit more sympathetic in that she has had a rough life.
I am concerned for her first of all just sharing in general. Her personality has never been one to share and I wouldn’t think that would be advisable for dementia patients. Anyone have a LO in a shared room?
Do you feel adult children should be obligated to pay the difference? What if all siblings cannot help out?
thanks for the avenue to vent seek opinions.
Comments
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I’m confused. If she has no money why is Medicaid not an option? It is my understanding that she would keep $x from social security and the rest along with Medicaid would make up the difference to cover the cost of the facility. Are you looking at a place that will not accept Medicaid? I would maybe look more closely into the aid available to her. Call a local commission on aging? Im sure others here will have specific places to call for more financial help. As far as paying out of your pocket to cover a better room, I guess that depends on your financial situation. I don’t think you should put your retirement and financial well being in jeopardy. So not only would I not want to pay for a private room, but I would be looking for a facility that accepts whatever financial coverage she has. It’s too bad you have been put in such an awful situation.
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There are states that do have filial responsibility laws in place that may be in play here-
Filial Responsibility Laws by State 2024 (worldpopulationreview.com)
That said, I do not feel an adult child owes a parent any financial contribution towards care especially if the basic room & board needs are met by a safety net like Medicaid. If all or some siblings want to contribute and have met any obligations to themselves and their families in terms maintaining their lifestyle and securing their own futures, that's their choice. But no one should be made to feel less than if they can't or don't want to. And that applies even if the LO in question was a wonderful and attentive parent.
A few of the nicest MCFs I toured operate under a family home model where the residents use their room as one might a bedroom in a home and be expected to be out in the lounge, dining room or activity areas most of the day and evening. They even encourage shared rooms as being a pro-social strategy rather like many folks had to share with a sibling growing up as kids.
HB
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A safe caring place is your obligation, in my opinion, with whatever resources your Mom has available to her. If you and your siblings have the means and wish to contribute that's another choice.
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from The various facilities I’ve talked to Medicaid does not pay for the missing portion . They are contracted for certain amounts or percentages. I am working with area agency on aging as well. Thanks for your feedback.
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i just visited a family run home with shared rooms. Thanks for sharing your experience.
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I don't know how old you and I don't know your financial situation. But it's not bad to share a room with someone. It gives her company and they will learn to help each other. Now you said your Mom has Narcissist tendencies. That being said, is a concern, but that's a concern for the place she will be staying and for the other person she will be staying with. Now if you and your family are able to help your Mom financially to stay in a private room because you know it will be hard on the other person and no doubt the place where she will end up staying , may end up making this request... It may be good just to place her in a private room.
But please don't take it upon yourself to go into debt or to strain yourself financially. I hope the state where you live or where one of your siblings lives, will put your Mom on Medicaid. I know my father-in-law does have savings, but I don't think my husband realizes that Dad's savings could be used to take care of his Dad. I guess it's scary because the family could loose the house as an inheritance, but me... I really don't care about inheriting part of the house because we will never live there. It in the country and medical in that rural area isn't good. I wouldn't want to retire there in other words. And if my father-in-law gets worse, I won't be able to be his caregiver anymore because I am overwhelmed already and as I said I have my own health problems. So I'm looking to find a few places now, for when things get worse. I'd rather Dad live with us until he passes, but I just don't see that as an option because I will end up in the hospital - for illness or for insanity. Dad has already gotten everyone in the house sick with e-coli because of his non-sanitary ways. I can't clean up enough after him and no one else in the house cleans up after themselves. So don't give yourself a headache or a heartache... Have you and your siblings visit your Mom every week or every other week which will hopefully have the place she stays know that people are watching the staff. With someone or in a private room she will be ok.
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You describe her needing to be placed in a home, and then describe financial aid for in home care. Medicaid has multiple forms: care at the person’s residence, waivers for certain parts of the fee in assisted living and memory care facilities, and care in a skilled nursing home. Eligibility rules and amount of financial help differ between the three.
I have a hunch you are referring to putting her into an assisted living or memory care environment. Either type of facility don’t always accept Medicaid. Medicaid doesn’t always approve pay for these two types either. Is that what you mean by Medicaid not paying the difference?
I do not feel your family should pay to put her in a private room if a shared room will work. You have no idea how long she will live in the facility and the cost of paying for it could cause serious harm to you or your siblings financial security now or later. Then the next generation ends up with the same dilemma.
That’s the financial argument for a shared room and it’s a valid one. I also understand the emotional argument of not having to be responsible for someone who wasn’t there for you when you needed her.
Have you checked into the possibility of a Supportive Living facility? My state has these, which are subsidized living or memory care facilities for low income people. My parents (now, just my mom) incomes ( income) is too high for it. So they were using up their savings to live in a regular assisted living. Mom will be able to do that for two more years and then we will have to reevaluate.
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Thank you for your input. Medicaid is a many tentacle animal. Medicaid healthcare is different from Medicaid assistance for long term care and is different Medicaid for institutional care. I’m applying for all. I know that Medicaid for long term or institutional care does not foot the entire bill. I’m only looking at places that accept Medicaid.
My thought is if I can get in home care first and her behavior remains fairly tolerable, the best place is in my home. I’m not a spring chick by any means but I’m healthy enough physically, mentally it’s a challenge with her. So if we can swing an AL or MC that would be best for both of us.
It sounds as if you have your own challenges. When researching financial options for my mother I came across organization who help people who do have some assets but maybe not enough to last. They work with public trusts to help. You probably need to speak to an elder attorney. It just sounds like your Dad and you may need to make that move.
prayers for you and your family.
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I only research those facilities (AL and MC) that say they accept Medicaid. The trick is which type of Medicaid as there are several and I’ve applied for all types I know about. I have not heard of supportive living but I’ll see what I can find.
I appreciate the feedback.
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Commonly Used Abbreviations
DH = Dear Husband
DW= Dear Wife, Darling Wife
LO = Loved One
ES = Early Stage
EO = Early Onset
FTD = Frontotemporal Dementia
VD = Vascular Dementia
MC = Memory Care
AL = Assisted Living
POA = Power of Attorney
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