Just need to vent

Stan2 · March 25

After reading so much about the trials that so many of you have I feel bad about whining about my situation.

My DW is really very easy to care for, her short term memory is pretty much gone and she seems to live in the moment, with no concerns about yesterday or tomorrow but she takes care of her own ADL's and is quite compliant to my suggestions.

I have taken over all of the day to days needs of our household and do my best to keep her calm and happy. So far so good.

It has been said on this forum that any help that is offered should be accepted with gratitude, and I very much agree since this 24/7 vigilance can really wear on you.

Our daughter who lives in our town and has a job with many responsibilities comes to our house every morning to visit. She has been doing this for almost a year now. In the beginning she would have coffee, visit about the upcoming day, ask if we needed anything, offer ideas of activities her Mom might enjoy and just have a friendly visit.

Lately however, she just shows up, spends 30 minutes messing with her phone for work related items, tells me what we should be doing for the day and leaves.

Her visits have become more annoying than helpful. She seems to think she has become an expert on the subject of ALZ but in reality she has never spent more than an hour with her Mom since The ALZ developed and only twice without me present. I really want to talk with her about it but even though she is a grandmother and a professional she is still my little girl and I don't want to hurt her feelings.

I know most of you have bigger problems than I, but I had to talk with somebody and y'all are available.

Thanks for listening.

concerned_sister · March 25

I imagine that is frustrating. I am wondering without criticising your daughter, could you use some approach such as, "It would be a big help to me if you leave the phone in the car and have a conversation with your mom and I. I think it would help her if she had someone other than me talk to her in the morning." Only a request. No criticism. For what it's worth.

M1 · March 25

Stan everyone's situation is different and you are totally allowed to vent your frustrations here. No problems too big or too small.

I can see those "visits" being quite annoying. In truth it seems pretty obvious that she finds them burdensome too--since she's not really engaging with you or your mom. Might take some true strategizing to figure out a way to break the pattern. Other things that come to mind: does your wife still go out with you? Maybe you could take her out for breakfast (even to a drive-through, just to break the pattern). Or as the weather improves--not only for breakfast, but for an early walk in a nearby park perhaps?

But those might be a kind of passive aggressive approach; talking to her would certainly be more direct. Maybe a way to couch it would be to put it in the first person, in terms of your own needs (no one can argue with that, after all). Something along the lines of: "I really could use your help, but your coming in the morning is really not the ideal time. Could you come Saturday afternoon for a couple of hours so that I could go out to run some errands?" Maybe it could lead to a conversation about her own fears for your wife. Sounds like she is trying to avoid the pain, frankly. Most do.

Just throwing out ideas....glad you posted.

Jgirl57 · March 26

Stan2, if it is bothering you it is not a small problem. It’s those continued “minor” stresses that can really weigh on you. It is nice that she lives close enough to visit. ….But daily pop ins are a bit much if they are non functional. How does your DW respond to these visits? Do you stay in the room ? Maybe you could do a chore in another room. I do understand that you do not want to hurt her feelings and she may be “helping” the only way she knows how. It may be time to thank her and let her know it is not necessary for her to come over so much at this stage.

harshedbuzz · March 26

@Stan2

There are no small problems in dementia.

It sounds as though your daughter wants credit for being caring and engaged but is fatigued and stressed as the disease plays out. It could be that your wife's progression has made her harder to engage with for your daughter.

It also sounds like she feels her contribution is to be Dr. Google and advise you as if she were now the expert which is very annoying. I had that in the form of a Devil's Advocate uncle who did a 45-minute drive-by every 6 weeks.

If you want/need something different, you are going to need to ask for it. I would go with a line that acknowledges how busy daughter is with work and how mom doesn't need a daily check-in but would benefit from her taking her for a pedicure one afternoon or the hair salon and lunch on Saturday or even dinner on her way home one night.

HB

mrahope · March 26

You've gotten some excellent suggestions. Don't ever feel as though you can't vent here. We all have days where a feather light burden feels like a ten ton truck. It's because it's happening against the background of a fatal disease and the daily stress that doesn't quit. It's important to get help but the key is it actually has to be helpful! I agree with offering some alternatives for DD to do. Especially those that allow you to get some kind of respite. If you don't ask, they won't know. Just my .02...

Stan2 · March 26

I'd like to thank all of you for your responses and excellent suggestions. I have a tendency to approach most situations like a bull in a china closet and I need to make sure my daughter understands that while her concerns and attentions are appreciated, the morning visits just might not be the best use of her time.

Stan2 · March 26

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/203431#Comment_203431

Thanks

Stan2 · March 26

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/203443#Comment_203443

Thank you

AlzWife2023 · March 27

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/68662/just-need-to-vent

You should talk to her about it. She’s stressed and she’s stressing you out. My daughter went through a period where she’d list things that I should be doing and be really angry if I didn’t do them, even though they were just not possible. She believed she was helping and if I just did all these things her dad would get better. She was scared. Once I talked to her about it and she accepted that all these things were not necessary and certainly not treatments or cures, she relaxed and stopped the listing.

Stan2 · March 28

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/203530#Comment_203530

Thanks

Just need to vent

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