Just sad & mad (long - sorry)

I stopped in to see my mom at her MC on my way to Easter services this morning. She was dressed nicely (thanks to thoughtful facility staff), and I casually asked if she might be interested in going with my family to church. She perked up and said, "yes, I was hoping to do that."

This was the most lively reaction I have seen from her in weeks. Mind you, I have not taken her to church since early November, before her extended hospital and rehab stays. She has not mentioned or asked about going. She lives very much in the moment and isn't able to identify the season, month, or holiday. So this reaction was a positive change. I signed her out and took her to church, foolishly hopeful that she would find meaning in the service.

By the time we got there (15 min), she was back to chewing on the inside of her cheek and staring blankly at whatever was in front of her. She was completely disengaged with the service, in spite of the fact that some traditional music and recitations were done - things that were familiar to her for decades. I had hoped that she might connect with these things. I shouldn't have been surprised, but it was disheartening after her bright response to my invitation.

In the afternoon we had several phone calls from family and friends. I had forewarned these folks that her ability to hold a phone conversation is quite limited. I still ended up having to give explanations of the fact that she can't really connect with someone she can't see. Then they would mention the lovely talks they expect to have when they visit in person. Give me a break! There is no real conversation anymore. In any case, five minutes after the phone calls, she had no idea to whom she had spoken.

I simmered all afternoon about friends who cannot believe me when I explain her limitations. I'm weary of their hopeful comments, as if a positive attitude will turn back the progression of the disease. But if I'm honest with myself, I essentially did the same thing this morning at church and allowed myself to be disappointed. She has a progressive and terminal brain disease. It stinks, but it's reality.

Thanks for listening. Comments from others' experiences are welcome. In spite of the struggle - Christ is still risen. He is my hope.