Advice Needed - Agitated Behavior?

We are a big Italian family where big family gatherings were all the time. The big crowds were too overwhelming for him so we have had to cut back to one or two family members at a time.

We keep it calm and peaceful and he enjoys it. We do see them often but in small gatherings.

This works for our situation - but it is hard not to have the whole family together for holidays.

Good luck to you on finding the best format that works for you and family. It’s tough!

Holiday celebrations became really hard for my mother, especially the kids. Kids are loud and excited and that was way too much stimulation for her and she found their exuberance off putting; she couldn't track what they were doing. She had always been the cook and hostess in the family and Alz made her just anxious and fret about what was being cooked and served but she couldn't actually do it anymore. Lots of anxiety, pacing, hand wringing on the holidays. We had to scale things way back for her. Small short quiet gatherings with her, and unfortunately separate ones for the "real deal." Once she moved to memory care we just visited for a short time on the holiday and did the normal routine without her. Her presence was greatly missed and holidays never felt the same again, but it just wasn't fair to intentionally put her in situations that were obviously hard on her. She had been an elementary school teacher and loved kids, but Alz took that from her and we had to be very careful how she mixed with the grandkids.

For getting your husband out of his loop in such a situation, think about what could be a reset button. Maybe go for a drive around the block? A walk until he forgets? Offer a treat he likes to eat? Sit him in a chair and rub his back a bit? The key is often to validate the feeling that started it, say you understand you are on his side etc and pivot off it to something else.

1 last comment—-my stepdad also became agitated by having houseguests for Christmas, a formal Christmas dinner with several courses and 12 + people total, etc, which my mom has always hosted and didn’t think to change when he developed dementia. My stepdad was apparently complaining loudly, yelling at my sisters (40-something’s), etc, and asking my mom in a stage whisper in front of my sister when my sister was flying home. It’s unclear how well he recognized everyone the whole time. My mom blames my sisters for antagonizing him, instead of examining her own choices in planning everything. (This is NOT to blame you!) 18 months later, he has progressed in the disease and I don’t even think he would care if a large group came over. My mom insists he is still capable of making small talk etc. I have observed otherwise and am only posting to say that, with progression, things have become smoother (and for people who aren’t taxing his cognitive skills, they don’t necessarily notice his deficits).

Speaking from the point of crisis intervention to deflect agitation and get things in hand first before you can get them where you need them to go. Redirection, redirection, redirection works. DW has severe agitation, in these past years she's tried to jump out of the car, screaming in public I was trying to kill her, panicked while walking and refused to return home. Find out what works for you, for me I got a Spodify account on my Iphone, so sometimes low calm music would get her attention, food/snacks to redirect her focus, coescalating by matching her intensity in positive ways like when shes yelling, make eye contact and loudly say nice words "your so nice, wow look at the kitty", passive contact such as circling around while being calm to block them from eloping while offering snacks. Its a dance, so you'll have to learn what works for you.