Family and friends offering unsolicited advice

MN774 · April 8

Recently my brother and I placed my dad in LTC, and felt that this was the best decision for his stage and getting the proper care that he needed. However, we’ve had friends and family question our decision and offer their unsolicited advice on how best to care for him. How have you handled situations like this?

M1 · April 8

Thank them for their concern and ignore. They are well meaning generally but ignorant. Don't second guess your decisions, and it's not worth your time or effort to try to educate them or convince them otherwise. You have enough to do already.

Quilting brings calm · April 8

Your friends and family aren’t his caregivers… and unless they actually step up 24//7/365, their opinion doesn’t count. Now - might one of them have a good idea that might make life easier for you along the path you’ve chosen for his care? Maybe, so you can listen to that… while discarding the rest. By that I mean, an idea to help keep his property in his room ( labeling clothes), getting him to join some of the activities( x worked for my uncle etc), easing his transition into the facility, etc. However, if they try to guilt you into bringing him home - that’s a hard no. You and your brother thought though this decision and your reasons are valid.

MN774 · April 8

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/204886#Comment_204886

Thank you M1, I appreciate your sound advice. Sometimes it’s overwhelming when everyone seems to have strong opinions and think they know what’s best, but don’t have the day to day of my dad’s condition.

SiberianIris · April 8

In my experience, the ones offering unsolicited advice have never been a caregiver for someone with dementia. And even if they have, then the saying that goes "if you've met one person with dementia, you've met one person with dementia" still holds true. They don't know the ins and outs of YOUR situation. Monday morning quarterbacking is not helpful. Anyone who has ever had to put a loved one in LTC knows it was a difficult decision, and having a LO in LTC does not mean you're now on Easy Street.

Even if they mean well, and they usually do, having to listen to and respond can feel like the final straw some days. Like M1 said, I usually thank them for their concern and change the subject.

harshedbuzz · April 8

I'm sorry you're dealing with this. I not only had an aunt and uncle on opposite sides critiquing my every move— and mom was theoretically the one making decisions for dad with some input from me— I had a mob of angry neighbors from Florida who constantly told mom I had to right to keep her here and that she should ignore me. FTR, the previous winter mom almost died with dad as her medical advocate. A few also phoned me and called me out for moving my parents north where I could help mom. One crazy lady tried to get me to send mom down for the winter and take care of dad myself. I blocked the worst offender from mom's and my phones. The rest tailed off after 6 months or so.

I listened respectfully to mom's sister and dad's brother and disregarded their opinions. My aunt was angry mom continued the twice-yearly ADT shots to keep his prostate cancer out of his bones. And dad's brother struggled to accept that dad needed a level of care greater than mom could deliver at home. Contrary to @Siberian Iris's experience, my uncle had helped care for his FIL in the early stages but supported moving him into LTC much earlier than mom moved dad.

Anonymousjpl123 · April 8

@nazai oh yes. Lots. And sometimes it’s even “for my sake.” But unsolicited advice is rarely helpful. If they are close, chalk it up to them meaning well and wanting to feel useful and connected. If not, it’s like anything else: as M1 says probably ignorant opinions. It doesn’t make it less hard to hear. I tried to just explain why I was making decisions I made, and keep people in the loop. When they disagreed, or weighed in when not being asked, I said “well, this is what makes the most sense based on what doctors and caregivers are seeing of her.” Which was always true.

Then there are those who just have baseless opinions - “don’t put her in memory care, those places are horrible” - who I just ignored, or called out.

it’s so hard. Hang in there.

psg712 · April 9

Your response to M1, "they don't have the day to day of dad's condition" is key here. Sure, someone might have a useful idea, but those who come at you with strong opinions are operating from their own emotions. Something about your dad's situation may be triggering them - maybe a reminder of caring for other loved ones, or fear of what may one day happen to them.

Thank them for their concern. Let them know that you and your brother have considered all the options available to you and have made the best decision you could under the circumstances. If they are persistent and insensitive to your struggle, yes, you can stop taking their calls for a while, for your peace of mind.

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