Need to exit the Roundabout
Thanks everyone for the shoulder. I’m still stuck but now in another country. I’m in the bathroom and he is the other room pacing and drinking beer. Why can’t I get it thru my thick head not to engage and how in the world do I stop myself. Maybe I need a good brow beating. We see the neurologist on Thursday but he refuses to take anything but aricept and b12 cause he thinks their “working “ If he were normal we’d be divorced, but he isn’t and I’m determined to get it my all. Should I duck tape my mouth shut?
Comments
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Dear Wose,
You are so hard on yourself. This is the most difficult situation a person can experience. Just try to see him as someone who is not in touch with reality. He is not doing it to aggravate you (although I know it feels like it - been there too!). He cannot see the reality, the truth of his condition. My husband's mental status is probably at a level of an 8 year old. It is so damn hard just to get through the day. Have you read "the 36 hour day" or checked out Teepa Snow on You Tube. These may help. I know you want to reason with him but you can't - it won't work. He cannot reason as his executive function has been affected. Try to slip a note or a phone call to the neurologist before the appointment that describes the difficulties of his behaviors and ask for a med that may calm him such as an anti-anxiety med. Keep posting, we are listening.
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I feel for you. Most can't see the reality of their condition and in some ways it's the only merciful thing to this disease unless you are the caregiver. They can be absolutely oblivious to their condition and ours as well but we aren't. It's a completly one sided ordeal. I'm glad my DW, even now as she approaches stage 7, has no idea anything is wrong with her but I do so I'm the only one feeling the heartbreak daily but I'm glad she doesn't know. How horrible would that be for her. Sometimes she senses things are wrong but doesn't know what.
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if you haven’t already talked to your own physician, I suggest you do so. My doc started me on a low dose Zoloft ( I remain at 25mg) . That helped take the edge off and I was much better with my responses to my HWD/alz. I also paint my fingernails in lavender and purples ( color of Alz assoc) to remind myself my husband has a disease.
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I found talking to myself helps…even looking in a mirror and rolling my eyes helps, sometimes? Actually, it usually makes me smile looking at my ol goofy self. If anyone has trouble controlling their tongue, Alzheimer's will definitely test you. "They" say practice makes perfect…not sure if that's true but practice does make it somewhat easier. Don't be so hard on yourself.
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I completely feel you, @wose . I have learned that there is nothing I can do with my DH when rage takes over. I basically lock myself in and/or have my keys and phone on my person at all times. My DH always had a temper, but dementia (still unsure what type) has put that on steroids. There is no use reasoning or arguing with dementia. In fact, I've learned to "not poke the bear" whenever possible.
One thing that seems problematic is the alcohol. If the person had any self control before the alcohol, I believe they will have less after imbibing. Maybe disappear the beer quietly?
And please, you're living through something almost unimaginably tough…a good brow beating is not what you need. You may not be able to do much more than forgive yourself, so begin there.
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I love the idea of purple, maybe it could help. It’s so hard not to go off the rails cause he acts normal sometimes. Maybe purple will put me in his world. I’ve tried a few antidepressants but I just can’t tolerate the side effects. Thank you so much☂️💜
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I would be dead if I took away his beer—no lie. He never had much empathy, compassion , nor was he very loving to begin with. Don’t know was I was thinking 14 years ago when we got married. I’m upbeat, loving and kind and he’s the opposite. I call him T 10 point O. But we are where we are and I feel I’m the cause for the constant arguments, because I’m the only Adult. If I could only do better, maybe things would be better 😞
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That’s funny cause I do that all day long. But then he accuses me of talking about him. He’s always saying “Who are you talking to.” I just say God. And then he wants to know if he should call someone because he doesn’t think it’s normal for me to do that. Unfortunately, holding my tongue is not my strong suit.🤭 Maybe I should let him call “someone.” A week in the psych ward might be a vacation 💜
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I have always believed that we do what we do based on who we are…not who "they" are.
Perhaps a low level of regret is the mark of success.
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The heartbreaking part is that I think he does know. He’s always commenting about how he’s losing his mind and won’t know anyone anymore. I try to reassure but to no avail. It makes me feel even worse than I already do. He’s always talking about how he’ll be dead soon. It just brings me to tears all day everyday 💜
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Thank you. I have read those books/articles. I read everything I can on this horrific disease hoping something will finally click for me to help him better. If he refuses medicine, will a Dr. prescribe it anyway without his permission? The neurologist asked him last time and he flat out refused. I tried something for myself, but the side effects are too much for me💜
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Wose: i feel compelled to respond to your "if only I could do better" comment. It's not you. I hope you can get some counselling and support for yourself that will convince you of this.
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💜💕
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Interesting question about whether a doctor would prescribe medications without the patient’s consent. Maybe a couple of the doctors that post here could answer that. My husband doesn’t have anger issues but without medications he would experience extreme agitation and be miserable much of the time. He willingly takes medications and has even occasionally asked when it will be time to take them. (Antipsychotic) It can be difficult enough caring for a PWD with all the other symptoms like incontinence and inability to do everyday things without my help. It isn’t you, wose. I often lose patience too and am thankful he forgets some of the things I’ve said 5 minutes later. But I remember. I just try to do better, to act calm, even when I don’t feel that way. Fake it til you make it. I’m getting better at it. Believe me, we all understand.
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the duct tape comment made me laugh. I considered that more than once for myself. Keep venting. It took me many months to learn to hold my tongue and not argue. Like you said, sometimes they seem so normal. I still come close to losing it, but I manage to take a deep breath and respond in a casual manner.
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I thought about buying this and hanging it up💜
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I don't know if this is a helpful place to write this, but here goes…
My spouse , in stage 5, is an alcoholic. I provide beer because beer and TV are the only things he has, and I don't want to induce withdrawal seizures. (Enabling vs harm reduction, you decide)
The last several weeks, I place 6 beers on the table in the morning. He sees the beers and refrigerates them. Now, he never drinks more the 6 beers a day. Sometimes less. We never talk about it , so there's no argument. In a couple weeks, I'll place 5 beers on the table each morning. Not sure where this will go, but he's no longer drinking 8 beers a day.
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Wose,
We are all doing the best we can do. We come here and learn from others who are farther along in the process. You are doing hard things. Being a caregiver to PWD is hardest thing I have ever done. We all need to learn to give ourselves the grace that we freely give to others. Be kind to yourself.0 -
You are spot on as usual @M1 , I do need counseling for sure. Never did it but I realize it might be time to ask and I did. My PC prescribed Cymbalta for knee issues, and fibro coupled with my DH dx and 6 covered sessions with a social worker. I saw him once and asked him for a referral for support groups as well as a psychologist. I see this social worker again next week. I had to stop the Cymbalta due to extreme side effects. I do appreciate your wise advice. I hope talking helps cause I’ve already filled up 20 plus journals.
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I love the fingernail polish idea! Thanks!!
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love your humor. We need it during these difficult times.
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glad to hear you have some counselling in place. I was reluctant to say it, but the "it's your fault" mentality that your DH is pushing is characteristic of abusive, controllling relationships. I don't know that he gets a pass just because of his illness. It worries me for you….and I hope you can discuss that with your therapist.
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Commonly Used Abbreviations
DH = Dear Husband
DW= Dear Wife, Darling Wife
LO = Loved One
ES = Early Stage
EO = Early Onset
FTD = Frontotemporal Dementia
VD = Vascular Dementia
MC = Memory Care
AL = Assisted Living
POA = Power of Attorney
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