New to caregiving for self-centered husband

TerriLynn171 · April 12

My husband was recently diagnosed with Alzheimer's and vascular dimentia, although I have seen the progression for many years. My hardest times are when he doesn't recognize me as his wife. He says I can't drive the cars because I am not on his insurance, he says he is single and doesn't want anyone living with him, that I need to leave. I have shown him that I am on our insurance and that doesn't seem to register. He asks me where I have been living and when I answer that I live here with him and have for 35 years, he becomes agitated and tells me he doesn't want to hear it. I need to know what to tell him when he asks? He has several times called my father to ask if I can live with him, or if I am truly his daughter. When he is in this "state", he believes that everything we have; cars, house, dogs, etc are his and his only. He has always been self centered, but these times really hurt. I need to know, do I just flat out lie and make up a story, or how do I keep him calm, without giving him the ability to stop me from driving our cars or taking care of our dogs and house, because he believes I am just visiting? I would appreciate any advice.

Thanks

Lynn24 · April 12

Hi Terri,

My mother had the same symptoms in the beginning of her stages of dementia. She even called the local Sheriff’s department because I had to confiscate her keys. I was able to gain POA since then and we moved her in with us, we live in another state. She is on medication, Seroquel of which helps. You must consult with an attorney regarding gaining POA since he no longer has capability to make gis own decisions.

concerned_sister · April 12

You may find the following helpful.

Smashwords – Understanding the Dementia Experience - A book by Jennifer Ghent-Fuller - page 1

I hope you read through to pages 5-6, I hope it provides insight.

M1 · April 12

Welcome to the forum. Yes, he needs medication as probably the only reliable thing to tamp down these delusions. then whether you can care for him at home remains to be seen. I hope you do have power of attorney; you need it. If not, talk to a certified elder law attorney as soon as possible (look for location lists at nelf.org). Meanwhile reach out to his docs and tell them that you can't take care of him like this (true enough). He may need to be hospitalized to be stabilized.

TerriLynn171 · April 13

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/205493#Comment_205493

Thank you for your response. I do have POA, he has threatened several times to call the law to have me removed from our home, but has never followed through.

TerriLynn171 · April 15

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/205499#Comment_205499

I have reached out to his PCP about having a discussion regarding his care. He came back with I would need something in writing from DH allowing me to have the discussions. I have PO and Advanced Healthcare directive and the recommendation of the NeuroPsych that DH is not able to make decisions independently, shouldn't that be enough?

TerriLynn171 · April 15

Thank you, the link was very helpful!

M1 · April 15

Terri yes, with what you are describing you have, it should definitely be enough. if the PCP is not helpful, I'd talk to the neuropsych about referral to a geriatric psychiatrist. If things get really out of control, either call 911 or take him to the ER and say it's not safe to take care of him at home, so that he can be hospitalized. I would also look for another PCP.

harshedbuzz · April 15

I agree with the others who suggest a trial of medication ideally with a geripsychiatrist.

Your description of your husband sounds very like my dad. He was by nature "the big cheese" despite my mom bringing in considerable income— sometimes more, sometimes less. Everything owned jointly was his and anything mom owned independently of him was theirs. He was also the hero/protagonist of all stories.

This attitude persisted and worsened with dementia, sometimes laughably so. There was a phase where he believed he owned every house on his street and slept in a different one every night. Medication (in his case Seroquel) didn't rid him of this line of thinking, but he was less troubled by neighbors going into their own homes. While he was confused by some relationships, it didn't seem to bother him so he was less reactive.

HB

H1235 · April 15

Could you maybe more insistent with his pcp. Could you go there in person and show them all the paperwork. Do you have a medical POA? I would think that is what you need. Mom moms advanced directive does not give me any power to make decisions. If what you have is not enough ask specifically what documents you need. Maybe there needs to be a visit with a lawyer. Even if they weren’t willing to talk with you you should still be able to give them information. Send the details of what is going on to the pcp and make an appointment for your husband. Will he go?
There is probably nothing you can say or show your dh that will convince him. Would it be possible to play along, at least with some of it. How heartbreaking, but could you play the part of the cleaning lady, nurse or something like that? Maybe bit your tongue and ask if you could borrow his car, use his whatever. I often hear you need to meet them in their world. Good luck!

New to caregiving for self-centered husband

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