spring cleaning....but still find time to feel guilty. Rambling thoughts....

M1 · April 13

After months and months of illness and lethargy, I got my act somewhat to together this week. What started it was finally getting around to putting refrigerant in the air conditioner of my old beater truck (thank you, YouTube). Now I feel like the dam has broken: I've called a landscaper to take over the overwhelming flower beds around the house, called a mason to fix the sidewalk and pressure wash the driveway, called a window washer, ordered new seals for the shower doors, identified important paperwork on things that will have to be sold when the house is sold, scheduled a haircut, identified things that need to be given to her nephew, and made a start on fixing extensive sheetrock divots that my dear partner had spackled in the kitchen and halls—but never painted in sixteen years of living in this house. In retrospect that was clearly an early dementia thing that I didn't catch, she didn't have the wherewithal to finish the job. I also cleaned out her closet, giving away a dozen bags of clothes and throwing away about as many.

Whew, spring cleaning in a big way. We are also supposed to do a field burn this week for native grasses, and I got the fescue fields mowed last Monday. It's very satisfying to get so many things off the list. I feel like it's necessary separation that has to happen. It's widening the emotional distance between us, though, and preparing me for ultimately leaving our dear home—and her. Despite all the necessity, I feel guilty for not being at memory care with her. Nothing else means anything to her. But her former self would be proud of me this week, I think. Funny how it all started with the SubZero from AutoZone. Or maybe it's just the weather. Or the eclipse?!?

wose · April 13

That is all so impressive. I’m weary just reading it all. I’m sure it feels good to get things accomplished but please lose the guilt if you can. I can barely get 3 meals and laundry done. That widening of emotional distance is so real for me. I think it might be self preservation. You did really really good. You should be very proud of yourself 💜

M1 · April 14

yes wose, I think that’s exactly it, it’s self preservation. Way overdue because of a really tough year last year…and the one before that, too.

concerned_sister · April 14

That was a lot. I imagine physically and emotionally. But is sounds like it was time.

trottingalong · April 14

accomplishing those tasks must have felt good. I like what Wose said about self preservation. Something we can all understand. One step at a time.

Vitruvius · April 14

I'm impressed. Maybe it will inspire me to get going with things that need to be done as well.

Almost everyday I tell myself I need to get out of my funk and get on with things. Tomorrow always sounds like a good day to start. Oh, but tomorrow I will be going to see my DW, and so I won't have a full day to accomplish anything. Maybe the day after tomorrow…

M1 · April 14

that’s exactly it Vitruvius….days I go see her, nothing else happens except maybe stop for milk. All we can do is keep trying.

Quilting brings calm · April 14

Things happen in their own time. You gave yourself permission to grieve ( the lethargy) and to heal ( your recurring physical issues). Then one day your mind and body decided it was a good day to get stuff done. Give yourself permission to pat yoursell on the back for what sounds like a full weeks work.

I’ve been so focused on mom these last two months that I accomplished little else. This week I got some housecleaning and other things done. So I understand your feelings

justbreathe2 · April 14

M1 It must be somewhat a relief to get some things done, but I know a difficult time for you.

My DH has a large extensive workshop with tools, etc. He saved things over the years and boxed neatly. He gets anxious when I offer to help him to go through things with him, so I don’t even ask. Everything he may use someday. It’s overwhelming for me when I go to our basement and his office. My fear is I will go before him and the kids will have to deal with all this stuff. It will be sad for me to go through these things one day.

Think in time you will feel glad it is behind you.

Belle · April 14

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/205652#Comment_205652

My DH also has a garage and basement full of tools and building supplies. He will never use any of it again and I get great anxiety thinking about the amount of work I have ahead of me some day when I need to purge the house of all of those things. But like your DH mine will not allow me to get rid of anything just in case he needs them and I've run out of items I can sneak out of the house in trash or in bags of items to be donated. I am both dreading and looking forward to a day I can finally organize the rest of our home.

@M1 congrats on getting some Spring cleaning accomplished. My DH is still at home and there are many, many days where getting anything done, due my own lethargy, is near impossible. I know I should be taking advantage of his extreme apathy to organize the house because even last year any organizing made him anxious but most days getting us fed and the house reasonably clean is my limit. I hope you continue to move forward and take care of yourself.

Mint · April 14

Glad you are feeling a little better

Buggytoo · April 14

Amazing progress! And I can totally relate to the "widening of the emotional distance." Every time I take an action that doesn't involve my DH I feel a little more separate and alone. Such a slow and pained journey we are on.

mrahope · April 14

You are doing the equivalent of lifting a bridge off it's foundations. Sometimes stress makes us feel "stuck" and then one day the feelings lift enough for us to see our way forward. And sometimes, too, it's good to work on things you can control. For instance, I can't control my DH's temper and troublesome behaviors, but I can make soup and apple crisp. I can exercise. It's like taking a bit of your life back each time. Just as we have to make it one day at a time, it's worth celebrating one day's enjoyment and/or achievement.

SSHarkey · April 15

I am impressed, M1! And boy do I get it! We have to create that medical model of emotional separation in order to survive. Do what we need to do, then stop, and allow ourselves to grieve if necessary. I facilitate a grief support group and one of the statements given in the workbooks is “Do the next thing.” When you’re stuck or lethargic, or depressed, or just plain frozen, do the next thing. One thing, no matter how small. Take a b, and repeat. There are days I want to run away. But I know I need to put on my big girl panties and do something.

spring cleaning....but still find time to feel guilty. Rambling thoughts....

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